I’ve been going through my saved notes and entries I’ve started and I came across this one from over a year ago. I’m not sure why I didnt post it, it sounds pretty good to me. Without further ado,

So as I was pondering over this entry and trying to figure out what I wanted to write about I had a moment that solidified what I wanted to write about. I was putting together some towel hampers for our pool and it wasn’t overly complicated, no screws or nails, just three metal pieces that slide together. I’m pretty handy so I was happy to do it. One of the men at my hotel (who shall remain nameless) walked into the office, looked at me, then the rack, and said “do you even know what you’re doing?” I would’ve been content with “do you need any help?”, but the condescending tone that accompanied his question made my blood boil. Now I’m not saying all men are like this, but we are in a society where women are constantly patronized, undervalued, and degraded on a daily basis simply for being women. They are viewed and treated as inadequate, incompetent, or inexperienced.

I was fortunate enough to not only be raised by a strong, independent woman, but raised by a kind, gentle, and respectful man. A man that treated women with a level of dignity and respect I have seldom found in today’s world. I wasn’t treated differently from the boys. I wasn’t passed up to learn things or to be given opportunities in our family. I was told to work hard and get my hands dirty just like my brothers. I worked along side them and wasn’t given a pass because I was a “daddy’s girl.” I was never passed up for football in the yard, or shooting hoops, or putting together something around the house. My brother’s also made sure to include me and if they needed help with something, I was asked without a hesitation. I was raised to believe I deserved that from every man in my life. An equality that should be matched on the daily.

From my personal experience alone, I can tell you that the level of disrespect I receive from men is a regular occurrence. And I’m not talking about being insulted by comments or being told to smile, which does happen (Seriously men, stop telling women to smile. We dont like it.). I’m talking about being talked to as if I’m incompetent, interrupted when I’m speaking, or being asked to speak to a male superior. I’ve had corporate leaders continually talk over me, ignore me, or look to my male counterparts for information that I already provided. No joke, more than once I’ve been asked if there was a male staff member on property that could help. I understand sometimes a superior can be needed but the fact that it’s been specified that a male was needed baffles me. I’ve watched so many women I respect as leaders be disregarded as leaders by men. I’ve never understood that. Good ideas are good ideas. I once had a female manager that would be constantly ignore or disregarded by the male leaders and this wasn’t a weak or meek women. She was tough and didn’t take anyone’s shit and a lot of the time she was deemed “difficult to work with” or her decisions were undermined.

Now I will be the first to admit that Anthony is the head of our household, but that does not mean he is the boss of me. It does not mean that I cater to his every whim and serve him completely. He doesnt speak down to me or disregard my ideas. Interrupt me, yes all the time, but that’s just him as a person. He includes me in decision making and encourages me in helping him with “manly” tasks. Any repairs or modifications we do to the house, he shows me how to do it and includes me. I have now successfully helped replace a water heater, build a wall, put in a doggy door, and move a ceiling fan to another room. There are no male and female tasks in our house. We are 50/50 team and where one lacks, the other makes up for it.

There will be people who say it’s this generation of woman thinking they can be stuck up and disrespectful to men, but I think this is finally a group of woman who aren’t afraid to say “fuck you, I will not submit, I will not be quiet.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been called a bitch because I stood up for myself or because I didn’t let someone demean my work or because I didnt accept getting groped at a bar or I didn’t let someone make disparaging comments about my body. There’s a lot of controversy around sexism being a myth, but it’s real. It happens on a daily basis. Ask one of your female friends if they’ve been discriminated against as a women and they will have plenty of stories for you.

I wasnt very popular in high school. I wasnt completely unpopular, but I wasn’t a kid that got invited to parties or asked out a lot. I was friends with everyone, but I had a tight knit group of about 4 people that I had gone to middle school and junior high with. We were good kids. Nerdy, in the band, and awkward. So I think that’s where a lot of my social anxiety comes from and my insecurity about my looks. I mean I think I’m pretty normal and likeable, but as much as I tried, I was never really excepted into that group and still dont really have an easy time making friends. I really only got attention from the popular kids when there was something they needed help with in school.

I think I’m somewhat pretty but I never really had a bunch of guys that asked me out. I dont see myself as a “pretty girl.” I dont turn heads when I enter a room. I dont get bought free drinks. I dont get asked for my number. But I ended up dating the “hot popular guy” and let me tell you, it messes with me on a daily basis.

Not that it’s his fault, but Anthony has definitely never had to experience a lot of rejection. He’ll tell you that he’s never had a problem getting women. He’s handsome and well built and smart and confident. He’s like a magnet for women. Then there’s me. The awkward, nerdy girl, who constantly doubts herself and never really thought someone was genuinely into her. I mean he’s the whole package and I’m me. Why would this amazing person want anything to do with me?

I used to think I had a jealousy problem, but in reality it’s a fear problem. I’m deeply afraid that he can do better. That there will always be someone prettier, someone thinner, someone more successful. I am afraid that someone more attractive will come along and I will pale in comparison and slowly fade into the back. I constantly question why he’s with me. I worry that one day I wont be enough anymore. I mean I am really kind and encouraging and hard working, but is that enough?

Now this isnt a post to have people reassure me I’m pretty or reassure me that Anthony loves me, because I know both of these to be true. It is just an insecurity I’ve struggled with for a long time. Most of the time I can pass off as confident, but deep down I’m not. I just need to put things out in writing to help me think things through. Most days and I can talk myself down from the anxiety and reassure myself that I’m amazing and deserving of love, but sometimes it bubble back up and turns into paranoia. Paranoia that Anthony is talking to other girls or hiding things, which isn’t true, but it’s almost crippling sometimes.

I’ve really been trying to pray and focus on calming my anxieties and working on my confidence. Anthony has helped a lot and been patient and supportive, but there still a long way to go. I appreciate everyone on this platform that reads my writing and I hope one day I will be able to write about feeling like a rock solid 10.

With week 1 at Polo Park under my belt, I can tell you this is a place I am very excited to be. I can also tell you this place is going to break my heart on a regular basis. Polo Park Estates is a retirement community, not an assisted living center so mot of these people are self sufficient. They live in apartment style rooms or for the more independent residents we have cottages that are more like duplexes with kitchens. We provide three meals a day, plus snacks, as well as all transportation needs. Housekeeping is provided once a week and any maintenance tasks are covered by us. There are some residents that have caregivers that come in to check on them and administer meds or whatever else they need. We’re not allowed to assist them with anything medical related. They all have like life-alert devices if they have an emergency or need medical assistance. My first solo day as a manager we had EMT at the park three times and animal control once. Talk about baptism by fire. Thankfully all three falls were either minor to no injury. The animal control was an interesting deal. One of the residents has a dog and apparently it’s a mean dog that doesnt like women. A caregiver came to work with him and the dog bit the caregiver. The home health company had to call animal control and thankfully the animal was up to date no it’s shots.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for the senior community and I think that comes from my parents making sure we had relationships with our grandparents as well as other elderly in our community. Both of my parents were always really good about checking in on the elderly in our neighborhood or in our church so I had very wonderful role models in my life. The residents here have been great. I’ve met quite a few of them. I had sent out a letter to each of their rooms, introducing myself, and one resident called downstairs to introduce himself and inform me he also went to OSU. Very sweet and heart warming. I think I’m most excited to get to know these people and learn more about them. For example, Ms. Patsy and her husband (when he was alive) lived in Ghana for 25 years. She said they went there with their oil company and her husband saw that the drinking water was causing deformities in the people so he decided to move their and drill for water to help the villages as well as minister to people. 25 years this couple lived in Africa and all because they wanted to help people. Amazing.

Thanksgiving was a bit tough because COVID has basically closed off this community. By the way this community has had ZERO cases of COVID. Pretty big deal. Some residents went to their families for the holiday, but a lot of them either A) Dont have family close by or at all, or B) Chose to stay in because they are high risk. That was really sad and it made me a little bit emotional. We had a Thanksgiving dinner for them, but it’s not quite the same you know? Everyone has to sit socially distanced and as you know elderly hearing isnt great so it’s not like they can sit and have lively conversations and enjoy each others company.

Because we cant have gatherings of more than 10 people, we’re only able to hold certain activities. So right now they do BINGO, hallway bowling, some arts and craft, walks, aerobics, and “concerts’, which is where they watch a concert like they would watch a movie. Let me tell you, some of these ladies live by these activities. It’s super adorable. But a lot of these residents sit in their rooms all days, watching TV or reading. I think that part makes me the most sad. We try to get them involved, but they really dont have any drive to do anything anymore. Maybe because they’re sad to be here or lonely or defeated. I know this isolation hasnt been easy on any of them. I also don’t imagine having to give up your home and life to move into an apartment, away from your family is very easy either.

I don’t exaggerate when I say I would give anything to call my grandmother again. To hear her voice or smell her perfume. To just love on her. We were fortunate enough she got to be at home in her last days. Surrounded by family. She had a active life and many people who cared for her. People that loved her and made her feel safe and valued. I hope I get to be that person for a lot of these residents. Someone they know care and look forward to seeing every day. I hope those of you out there reading this, also choose to be that person for someone in your life that may be isolated or alone. Your neighbor, a coworker, or even your own grandparents. I cant tell you how amazing it is to see the spark in these people’s eyes when you engage them. It’s worth the little effort you have to put in.

Hello world! I mentioned in my last post that I would be starting a new job and let me tell you, it is the most bitter sweet moment I’ve had in a while. Fair warning, this one got away from me. Haha it’s long. I’ll start off by saying I loved my job. The hospitality industry was never a place I thought I would find myself, but I fell in love with it and under better circumstances, I would love to stay here and build a career. Unfortunately, in the last seven months, I’ve seen how little myself and the other members of my team mean to the corporate office running the show. Hell not even seven months, let’s say the last year because it started with little things.

When I started here in 2017 you got $50 for your hire anniversary as well as if you got associate of the month. Covid was a perfect excuse to take away the $50 EOM prize, which they have recently started back up, but the hire anniversary first went to a small gift from a site called “Snappy”, which has some decent things. Then it just went away all together. Originally the company would pay for a employee Christmas gift and dinner. When I started my GM made sure this was a party to out live all parties. I mostly think she got away with this because the hotel was making so much money, the company wouldnt bother to check in on her expense report, and she was very good friends with her area director at the time, who would also come to these parties. I’m talking unlimited alcohol, nice catering, and pretty decent gifts for white elephant. I mean people were going home with Amazon echo’s and firesticks for gifts. The level of drinking that was expected at this party was so high, my GM would block off rooms for anyone that wanted them so they didnt have to drive. On top of all of that, the company bought a gift for everyone. My GM literally got away with some much stuff and I think a big part of the reason she left this company is because her friend, the ADO, was let go from the company and she was no longer able to have spending sprees. I mean truly, once I got behind the curtain, the amount of shit she bought that walked out of this place is insane. Her last expense check was $7000+. This is coming from a property that has a $2500 petty cash bank at our disposal. I think the only things my current GM and I every expense is pizza for the team because you need a credit card for online orders. That’s it.

Moving on, because the previous GM is a whole other blog post I could write, last year around this time, they sent out an email to the GMs discussing holiday parties. They were allotting $13 per person for food and $10 per person for a gift. I know most people don’t realize how little $13 a person per meal is, but its very small, especially when you want to provide a Christmas dinner for your staff. With a staff of thirty, I could maybe afford Olive Garden, which isnt bad, but it’s not great for a Christmas dinner. Then trying to find a nice gift that expressed out gratitude to our hard working staff for $10 or less was impossible. I originally wanted to do custom ornaments that were discounted when bought in bulk, but the purchasing department didnt get back to me until the week before the party and by then the price had gone up. As I’m sure you can imagine, the staff wasnt too pleased with this, especially when they had just come off the empire of unlimited spending with the previous GM and the sad part was, we didnt even have a valid argument for it. There was no defending it. Now it might be hard to understand why something like this might play into my leaving, but this was just the start of a thread that unraveled the sweater. I watched day in and out as my staff, especially my housekeepers, poured themselves into their work. I know “cleaning rooms” doesnt seem like it’s hard, but it’s probably one of the most physically demanding and detail oriented jobs out there, especially when you go off of Hilton time standards to clean a room, which is 30 minutes. The level of filth and grime and disgusting stuff these ladies deal with on a daily basis deserves more than a $10 thank you.

Fast forward to January of this year. Manny and I are kicking ass and running things pretty efferently. I mean things were going great, and we were both really learning the flow with each other. The oilfield slowed a little bit, but Manny made up for it with revamping our suite shop. Our tiny suite shop was out performing every other hotel in the company and this includes big properties like Embassy Suites. We had finally caught up on late invoices from the year and the next few months were looking very good. Then y’all know what happened. Damn COVID. I was on vacation when the first wave of lockdowns and travel bans started so I got to be on a conference call where we were told all third party staffing (85% of my housekeeping staff) was to be let go immediately and that over the next few weeks we would be establishing other cuts. By the end of the cuts we would be down to a staff of eleven. Myself, the GM, the Exec Housekeeper, the Chief Engineer, the Front Desk Supervisor, a Sales Coordinator, three front desk staff, and two housekeepers. Oh and everyone that’s hourly and not a supervisor has to be part time. This was also accompanied by a 10% pay cut for all salary members of management and a work schedule that had to be a minimum fifty hours a week. Now Manny and I were already putting in those hours just to keep this place running, but it ramped up during COVID. Without a laundry attendant, Manny or Dee were usually doing laundry and this is when Dee didnt have her own board of rooms to clean because of the part time hours of her team. We were skipping housekeeping on Thursday and Saturdays because we just didnt have the staff. I would work 7am-5pm or 1pm-11pm at the front desk as many days as it took to fill in the part time gaps. Then any time I had away from the desk was spent helping housekeeping. Manny was here long before the sun came up, to catch up both laundry and accounting, and he was here till long after the sun went down to finish whatever he could. For three months we did this. With one day off here or there. Definitely no vacation time, and as a fun added note, all while we all entertained AJ.

Around July, Anthony and I were looking at moving to Utah so I thought maybe I could get approved for a leave of absence and work on selling the house. Well corporate did not go for that so I put in my professional resignation because 1. I was exhausted, 2. It wasnt fair to AJ to keep him at the hotel for days on end, and 3. I didn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. In my resignation letter, I did some math because I like to show people the cause for my leaving. I already didnt make very much money, but when you factor in the 10% pay cut as well as the minimum 50 hours we had to work (really we were working 60-70 easy) I was making about $11 an hour. Now that’s just at 50 hours, I’m sure you can imagine what the number looked like at 60 hours. So I made the case that I was being taken advantage of as a salaried member or management and that I could no longer work in these conditions. The bargain was made to give me the 10% back, plus the $2000 raise I was promised, and I would be “allowed” to hire more front desk staff. I thought “okay, I need a job and maybe I’ll go back to enjoying it if I actually get to work normal hours.” This was still accompanied by the minimum 50 hours except now I got to be in the office and housekeeping more, giving Manny some much needed relief.

A few weeks ago, Manny and I finally had a light at the end of the tunnel moment. There were whispers of Manny getting promoted to a hotel in Amarillo and me taking over Homewood as a GM. Now you will never convince me otherwise that this is not the truth, but we waited weeks for the confirmation from our ADO that never came. I told Manny that I was almost certain that if this was going to fall through, it would be because of her. Meanwhile, I started applying for jobs. I mean I had been throughout COVID, but I’m pretty sure I was just yanking on doors hoping one would open. One weekend, I decided I needed to go home. I missed my parents and Anthony had been furloughed so I thought what a better time. I mean they kept telling us only 40 hours of PTO would roll over and I had 76, mind you I took a full week off in March. While I was home, I got an email asking if I would be interested in a phone interview for an AGM position at a retirement community. I will be completely honest, I dont remember applying for it, but I thought “why not?” Call went great and she said she would be sending my info to the GM and get back with me about an in person interview. Within two days we scheduled an onsite interview. Then I was told the regional would be calling me for another phone interview. I was starting to both gain confidence and lose it at the same time. During this time, we had a corporate visit at the hotel. The VP of Operations decided after the hotel being open for six years, it was finally time to visit us. Everything seemed to go well. They said our property looked phenomenal and our housekeeping department was wonderful.

I thought it went well and that I had made quite an impression since the lady said she wanted to work with me and help grow my talent. BUT, there’s always a BUT, she decided to tell Manny that her main critique of my appearance was that my nail polish was chipped. I’m okay with constructive criticism, but the phrase “she needs to either get them done or take it off” made my blood boil. I put a lot of work into my outfit that day. I wore a freaking blazer and heels. Usually I’m in my cowboy boots.When I’m not in the office, I’m checking rooms, stocking inventory, or helping with some obscure maintenance issue. I havent had my nails done in over a year because with how much physical things I was doing, it wasnt worth it, but while I was at my parent’s house I decided to just paint them. That was just a couple days before corporate came by. Then the bomb was dropped that there would be no promotions any time soon. The rest of the week was just so depressing, I literally loathed going to work. I kept waiting and waiting for a call. I had a terrible day and I stopped at the grocery store before going home. It was one of those days that if something didn’t give soon, I would be quitting without a back up plan. As I was pulling out of the parking lot my phone rang and it was finally the regional director. After chatting for a few minutes she said she needed to make some calls and she’d have the recruiter call me with an offer. About an hour later the recruiter called and said they wanted to offer me the job, at a higher pay rate then they initially offered. She said the regional was so impressed with me that she had them draft an offer immediately. In that moment, I felt no anxiety, no hesitation, nothing. I was going to ask for the evening to think about it, but I felt so at ease, I couldnt wait. It felt right.

It hurt my heart to say goodbye to a team I had both grown with and invested in for almost four years. These were people I had been through the whole spectrum of life events with. Births, deaths, weddings, divorces, wins and losses. These people are my family out here in Texas, but there were no hard feelings with my leaving. They were all excited for me. A bit panicked, but happy. I know my leadership team is more than capable to fill the holes I leave, but I do a lot of things that are under the radar and I dont really tell people I do. I hope they do well, but I hope NewcrestImage feels the pain from my loss and I hope the realize that I was determined to move up with them and they missed out on a hard worker.

I started my AGM position at Polo Park Estates, a retirement community, today. I cannot tell you the weight of anxiety that is already off my shoulders. Just the thought of not having to cover an overnight shift is amazing. I want everyone to know that no job, no matter what the pay, is not worth your mental, physical, or emotional well being. No one deserves to be treated like a number on a spreadsheet. Take care of your employees and they will take care of you.

For those of you that don’t know, Anthony and I, along with our church and community, lost a great friend last Thursday. The executive pastor at Crossroads Church, Kenny Comstock and his wife Melissa, were killed in a car accident. For the last few days we’ve all been trying to wrap our brains around this because everyone else involved, including their three children, survived. When I say that I was rocked by hearing this, it’s not an exaggeration. My best friend had gotten word before this even started to make its way through the church community so she text me and I remember praying “God don’t let this be true, please let this be a mistake.” I started internet searching for anything I could find. Any sort of accident report hoping maybe they were just critically injured. Nothing. I couldn’t find anything. My next course of action was deciding how to tell Anthony because this was a man that he cared for dearly. Kenny had been mentoring Anthony on pursuing seminary and I think Kenny was the first man that had actually reached Anthony on a spiritual level. He was someone Anthony had actually been honest with and he didn’t hide anything from. I think Kenny was someone that saw the real Anthony and accepted and loved him without any hesitation. So to deliver the news to him that Kenny was no longer with us was the most heart breaking and gut wrenching thing I’ve done in a long time.

Fast forward to Sunday morning. We were well aware that this was not going to be an easy day. I had to meet with the other children’s ministry leaders, like we do every Sunday, before church started and you could feel the heaviness in the air. We went through our usual housekeeping issues and the Sean moved on to the harder topic. He said for the last couple of days he had struggled to find the words to speak to us, but he and his wife and decided that Kenny had the best words for us. They showed us a clip from one of Kenny’s sermons and Kenny was talking about how the question is not “why is God allowing this tragedy to happen?” The question we need to ask is “will you still believe in God even when you don’t understand him?” Then we go to service and Jeremiah, the lead pastor, talks about how when he was laying face down, crying out to God over this tragedy, all God said to him was “Jeremiah, will you still believe what you preach?” I’m not gonna lie, my emotions have been all over the place on this. I’ve been angry, sad, apathetic, heartbroken, and comforted. I had my moments of “God why did you do this to us, to their children, to our church, etc.,?” I’m thinking to myself, “the God I know is all good, so why did something so bad happen?” That’s our natural instinct isn’t it? We want someone/something to blame and when we don’t have someone God is the first one we blame. “God did this. God wants to hurt us. God is evil.”

Believe me this isn’t a soapbox to preach to anyone about how God is this big benevolent grandpa in the sky because I can tell you from reading the Bible that God is not benevolent. However, I do believe that God is not evil. He may not be benevolent but he’s not malevolent either. I believe he is just and I feel like evil in our world is man made. Unfortunately, sometimes that means that we suffer the consequences of others actions. Even the most innocent in our world suffer because of someone else’s choices. Disease, death, war, violence, etc., are all results of our choices as human beings. Human beings chose to turn against God and for every action there is an equal opposite reaction. Now the complicated part comes in that a lot of people like to question during times like this. “Why do bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people?” Why did Kenny and Melissa die, but the guy that crossed over the median get to live? Why did my grandmother, who was one of the most faithful women I know, get ALS and die a slow agonizing death? Why didn’t God save all those people in 9/11? Where was God during all those terrible things? These are the questions we ask when we feel like we cant see or feel God in our world. And if you dont have any type of faith or a secure faith, those questions are overwhelming and easily become permanent dark marks on your heart. As human beings we dont handle uncertainty well. We like like concrete and factual. We may never understand the why and I’ve learned to come to terms with that. One thing I’ve learned to hold fast to, is even though we may not understand, even though we may not feel God or see his hand, he never forsakes us.

So after that intensely emotional weekend, I started the piece below and finally worked it out to where I like it for now. I don’t quite have a title yet, but I usually come up with the title several weeks after I’ve actually written a piece. Believe me, this blog post was not a ploy to convert anyone, but more of a way for me to explain my grief and my healing process. Please know that I love you all and that I’m always here if any of you need anything.

Its easy to question your existence when the sun is no longer illuminating my world. I am quick to jerk back my hand of faith when the darkness becomes a down hill slide because for some reason I think I can stop the slide myself. Why is it, when I need to hold your hand the most, my first instinct is to recoil and let the emptiness consume me? I’ve learned to live so comfortably in the cold of grief and loneliness that I would rather close my eyes to the light at the top of the tunnel than begin the uphill climb towards it. I search for answers in the dark, on my knees, fumbling around as if I will magically stumble upon it like lost keys that maybe open a secret door underneath all of this pain. But the one door is already open, no key needed. The sentence as already been served so why am I still sitting in the dark asking “God, where are you?” or “Why is this happening to me?” when I am the one that let go in the first place. God does not move. He is constant and central. I am inconsistent. I am free to move towards him or pretentiously pretend that I am stuck and God has abandoned me. Free will seems to only fit my narrative when things are going well, but God forbid I lose my footing based on where I chose to step because then is it no longer my actions that caused my misfortunes. I scramble to grab on to anything around me instead of trusting in the grip of God’s hand. The Bible mentions again and again how I cannot be snatched from God’s hand, but time and time again, I choose to leave it. I am flawed and maybe one day I will begin to learn from my mistakes and stop looking for a more secure place to stay when I cant see where we are going.

This blog post has been sitting in my drafts for minimum 3 months so I figured it was time I finished it. I decided to go in a completely different direction and have the discussion of nature vs. nurture. Now this is something I find so fascinating because 1. the human psyche is profound and ever changing, and 2. I love serial killers/mass murders and I love studying what brought their acts to fruition. Even outside of the realm of my obsession, the discussion of nature vs. nurture has been going on since ancient times, going back to Aristotle. This debate of whether we are born and everything we do and become is inherent, passed down in our genes, or are we a blank canvas, molded and shaped by our surroundings, meaning our parents, our peers, our society, etc. So because I’m a weirdo, I’m gonna use the serial killer approach because its the perfect cesspool of humans for this discussion. And don’t worry, I’m gonna stick to the famous ones everyone (most everyone) knows.

But first, I want to talk about the start of my fascination for this topic. In the 8th grade we had to read Lord of the Flies, which I would highly recommend if you havent, but brief synopsis: a group of boys get stranded on an island and you slowly watch the humanity fade from them and watch them become increasingly violent and animalistic towards each other. You watch them choose sides and adopt this kill or be killed mentality. So we had to write a paper on if we thought human beings are inherently “bad/evil”, if this is something we learn, or if it’s something we adapt to. Maybe it was my Christian upbringing, but I immediately went with “yes we are naturally bad,” because that’s what the bible teaches. However, outside of thatm when we are stripped down to our most basic animal instincts, I believe we will do whatever it takes to survive even if that means hurting someone else. Now, most of us are never put in a situation like that to where we would hurt someone, but how often do we laugh at others pain or take joy in other’s despair? Minute as it may seem, we’ve all caused someone pain and gotten pleasure out of it. Not to say we are all on the brink of murder, but I believe there is something in our very nature that fights for superiority over others whether that is with work, our relationships, etc. So moving right along, let’s get into the nitty gritty.

Nature: Ted Bundy. Now for those that don’t know good ol’ Ted Bundy, he was a serial killer that abducted, raped, and murdered 30 (confessed to) woman during the 70s. If you read up on this guy, it’s really astounding he wasnt caught earlier and he actually escaped prison twice so you could say he was a pretty bright guy. He actually led a very normal life. He had girlfriends and jobs and everyone seemed to like him. This man was the king of rouses. So what made him “become” a murder because this isn’t something you just go to in an instant? Now granted, he started with rape first and then escalated to murder, but he didn’t need to rape woman. He was actually a decent looking guy who had normal relationships. It wasn’t like he couldn’t get laid. If you listen to or read interviews with his family they will say for the most part he was a very normal child. He had a loving home and there was no abuse that we know of and even Bundy said he wasn’t abused. His mom or grandmother (I can’t remember which one) said that one day they had woken up from a nap and Ted had placed knives all around her body and he was only like 5 or 6. Not that those actions mark him for life but still it is odd. Ted will say his actions were a result of watching pornography and being addicted to it, but I don’t buy it 100%. Being addicted to porn, I can understand because that is a real thing, but that addiction leading to the murder of at least 30 women, nope. Hell, 120 million people visit Pornhub on the daily and pretty sure 99% of those people aren’t rapist. If you watch his interviews prior to being convicted, this was a man who very much thought there was no way he was going to jail. He was going to do whatever it took to get out of the punishment, which is a big reason he came out with the porn addiction defense because he thought getting Christianity on his side would suspend the death penalty. So was this inevitable for Bundy? Was this an evil that he was born with inside him?

Nurture: This is a deep pool that you could get lost in for hours because time after time, child abuse and parental relationships is a critical factor for most of these serial killers. As well as environment and era. Now there are plenty of people that are abused and they aren’t out there brutally murdering people but if you look at a lot of serial killers they are the perfect storm of terrible circumstances. For example, John Wayne Gacy. Gacy was born into a family with an alcoholic father who regularly beat his wife and children. His father constantly tormented him because he had a heart defect so he wasn’t as active and couldn’t be in sports. One large factor of self hate in Gacy’s life was his sexuality. You have to put into context that this was the 1950s and 1960s. That was a big no no. This was the peak of homosexuality being viewed as a mental illness and full of perverts and men that wanted to rape your children. I’m now realizing that Gacy legit filled all the stereotypes people had of the gays during that time. Anyway, living with a father that really hated the homosexual community and I’m sure burned that into John’s mind on a regular basis, John had to hide his sexuality. He would try to have a normal life, get married, have children, and be very involved in his community. He dressed up as a clown for birthday parties for goodness sake. Everyone knew John and he had a pretty good reputation. There’s a lot of speculation around Gacy’s murder confession because he’s changed stories a few times, but the first murder he described as self defense. So let’s say this first murder was self defense, the kid did try to attack him, what made him go on to rape and kill 33 teen boys? Personally, I think inside his twisted brain, he thought that if he killed them then it served to fill that homosexuality hate that had been instilled in him because he didnt have a problem getting male prostitutes. He was able to have “consensual” sex with most of these teens, but I think the hate that had been sowed into him by his father was a big driving force for the anger he felt which eventually bloomed into violence and murder.

With both Gacy and Bundy both there is also a conditioning aspect. With both of these men, at some point they were okay with semi consensual sex, but whenever you condition your body to associate climaxing with something like murder, the violent act then becomes necessary in your routine to obtain sexual gratification. They both, in a sense, nurtured their destructive tendencies, but where those tendencies were born, is definitely up for discussion. Hopefully this dark and twisty path wasnt too rough for y’all. I definitely toned it down a bit because a lot of Bundy and Gacy’s crimes were super violent and not easy to stomach. I wish I had an answer for this debate, but arguments can be made for both sides as well as a mix of the two.