If you don’t get my title reference, you must not have been an angsty white teen in the early 2000s. Educate yourself.

Alright, it’s been a hot minute since I had time to actually write something out because well fucking COVID-19 and shitty employees, coupled with Anthony working in Utah and taking care of a two year old. So if you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you all here today, its to talk about (gospel choir voice) LOVE and…wait for it… (Aretha voice) R-E-S-P-E-C-T. That’s right. Love and Respect. Anthony and I are doing this book study together and to summarize it, the book explains how what women want the most is to feel like they are loved, and what men want the most is to feel like they are respected. Now some of you may be like me and think “well duh”, but wait there’s more. Even without a degree, most people will generally tell you that men and women are very different. There are thousands of books about how we’re different, the old women are from Venus and men are from Mars shtick. “So what makes this one different Katie?” Well I’m glad you asked.

So I’m only 3 chapters in to this book and I’m already mind blown by how this book is calling out both male and female issues and how scarily accurate it is. One thing that really hit me is when women don’t feel loved, they tend to react disrespectfully and lash out. Then when our spouse or partner reacts unloving because they don’t feel respected the “crazy cycle” goes round and round (see diagram below). A real life example of this is when Anthony doesn’t text me after reading my message and I get super hurt about so I become short and condescending towards him. Silly right? But to me, when he leaves me on read, to me that feels like he doesn’t care enough to take the time to text me back because in my mind it takes 2 seconds to say “Hey I’m busy.” Now from his side, sometimes he looks at the message and gets busy, sometimes he had his phone open when the message came in, but he was in the other room so when his phone locks he doesnt realize he got a message, sometimes he’s just not feeling good and he’s off and not focused on it. All valid reasons I would think, but instead of stepping back and saying “I know he loves me, it’s not personal,” I put him down and make him feel bad for essentially something he didn’t intend to hurt me. So I disrespect him which makes him irritable and who wants to be loving to someone who’s being mean to them. No joke we literally fight about this once a week.

If you ask women if they love their man, they will say absolutely (most of the time) because women are wired to love. We are lovers and nurturers and caregivers so we naturally expect men to respond in the same way, but men are definitely not wired that way. There was a national study done where four hundred men were given a choice between two negative experiences: a) to be left alone and unloved in the world or b) to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone. 74% of those men chose option a. They would rather feel unloved than disrespected. Now that’s not to say that men don’t need love because they do, but it is not their ultimate need.

This is something Anthony and I have been working on because when I’ve had a bad day and I’m mad about work, Anthony gets even more angry at my job than I do, which usually upsets me more because I just want him to love me and not add fuel to my hate fire. But see because he’s a man, he wants my job to respect me so he goes for the “demand respect” avenue immediately. He’s not wrong in his actions, but it takes away from what I need in that moment, which is love. Just like when he’s having a bad day, my first instinct is to fix it with love, but it doesnt work because that doesnt fulfill his need for respect. He needs me to validate that he is a valued and respected and that he is more than adequate in anything he does.

The book discusses how in most marriage books and seminars they focus on “unconditional love” for your husband, but no one ever talks about “unconditional respect” for your husband. Interesting enough, the author was giving a seminary at a women’s conference and he used this term, they asked him not to come back because for some reason “unconditional respect” hits a nerve with women. Now I know, there are women are out there that are gonna read this and get in a tizzy because they are the “respect is earned” type people, which I understand. They’re the type of women that think that unless their husband makes them feel unconditionally loved their husband doesnt deserve to be treated with respect. I even catch myself falling into this mindset because there is this idea that if you “submit” to your husband you are giving him all the power over you, which personally I HATE that word. “Submit” does sound like a relinquishment of power. He uses the word respect in place of this. Respect is defined as “a feeling of deep admiration for someone.” That’s not so bad is it? That your husband or partner wants to be admired. They want to feel valued. Most husbands, and I say most because it’s not everyone, don’t want a slave, they want a partner. Someone who’s going to work beside them.

Now there are men that will use this “unconditional respect” as a weapon against their partner. These are not good willed men and you should run far far away. If you meet your husband with unconditional respect repeatedly, and he continues to withhold unconditional love from you, he is not the man for you. Same thing with women. If you’re with a women and she’s constantly putting you down and making you feel like you’re less than a man, she is not the one for you. However, the book talks about how we need to hold ourselves accountable and not your partner. You control your actions. Women need to give respect even when they dont feel loved and men need to give love even when they dont feel respected. Two negatives don’t make a positive. This goes both ways. If your spouse is having a bad day or week (or life) and you’re constantly throwing positivity into the feedback loop, eventually they’re either gonna change or realize their actions aren’t okay. If you can look at your spouse and honestly say “this is a good-willed person who does not intentionally hurt me,” keep trying. If you can’t say that after putting in an effort to change, you don’t need to put yourself through more hurt.

So that’s my spiel for today. Now I know not everyone is gonna be on board for this, but I can tell you in just a couple weeks, I’ve felt my animosity and need to quarrels dissipate when I’m upset and I know Anthony’s been working on deescalating situations as well. If you want a good read, even if you aren’t in a relationship, I would highly recommend it.