I hope everyone has been hanging in there with this new year. I know things have been crazy with the election and COVID and a thousand other things, but I hope 2021 brings in a year of hope and new life no matter what area you need it in. I wanted to start todays post by giving everyone a bit of an update on my life. Since my miscarriage, I have been reading a book about learning to love again after the loss of a child. It hasn’t been easy. I’ve been trying to diminish my loss to help “get over it” because in my mind, and because I have friends that have lost children further along in pregnancy or even aged children, my eight week pregnancy wasnt so significant.

This section in the book was really an eye opener for me. Although I never felt my baby or saw my baby, I still loved my baby with the same love every mother has for their child. Unfortunately we live in a society where we either think no one understands how we feel or we think everyone should understand how we feel. I was the second one during this time. I wanted everyone to feel what I was feeling. I wanted them to understand my grief because that’s what it is. Grief. I was angry. I wanted my circle of people to feel the same level of emotions I had, but at the end of the day, no one will love you child the way you do.

It’s especially hard if you lose your baby early on in the pregnancy or you’re unable to have family there at the time of their passing. If your family doesn’t get to see them, hold them, etc., it’s hard for them to feel the loss personally. For example, although my mom and Anthony were sympathetic about my pain, neither of them had experienced a miscarriage before. Neither of them really had the words of comfort I needed. The real comfort I found was in my new boss and someone I’ve come to call a good friend. She’s had three miscarriages and in each one she’s gotten farther along than the previous on. I knew she would give me the time I needed to heal while also giving me the words of comfort I needed. My best friend Keli was also instrumental in this. She lost her daughter shortly after she was born. She had time with her daughter but she still mourns her loss every day.

Now, I know most people will never experience this first hand and it’s hard understanding how to care for those around you that do experience child loss, at any age, conception to adult children. You won’t understand the fog they are in or why they’re in it after months or even years. Some of the best advice I can give you is to be kind, patient, and most of all conscious of what you say. Dont be dismissive of their loss in anyway or down play it. Even if they have kids already or it was early on in the pregnancy, telling them to get over it or that they shouldn’t be upset anymore will do more damage and push them further away from you. I’ve read so many stories of families and been told myself “well at least it was early on before you got attached” or “it wasn’t meant to be” or “god must’ve known the baby wasn’t normal or sick so maybe it’s a blessing in disguise.” I read one story of a family that had three boys and were trying for their girl. After reach miscarriage, people would say “at least you have your boys” or “you already have three why do you need another one?” I myself have been guilty of this and not even out of maliciousness. We think we’re giving them rational thinking and helping out them at ease, but it takes away the value of the life of their lost child.

Truly and sincerely, even if you think it’s not a big deal to you, I can promise it is a big deal to every person or couple out there who have experienced child loss. That goes for those women who are trying to conceive as well. They aren’t thrilled to be enjoying a care free life. They aren’t enjoying month after month of negative pregnancy tests. They don’t enjoy the silence of their house.

I know you can’t always tell when someone is struggling with something and I know we aren’t always conscious of other peoples grief. But when we can be, be kind and show compassion. I’ve been so thankful for all the people who reached out and gave myself and Anthony validation for how we were feeling. I appreciate you all and know my inbox is always open for anyone that needs support.