Author: Katie Rae

SAMHSA’s National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP

No one ever prepares you to raise the child of a drug addict. We watch movies, tv shows, videos, etc,. and think we know how to handle situations around addiction. Even in my own life, with family and friends, I thought I had been through the heartache of addiction and understood it, but I’m still left with so many questions and unknown territory. A couple years ago I lost my cousin to alcohol addiction and I thought back then that his death was the last time I would experience the consequences of addiction. When I tell you that my heart still hurts from his death, I am not exaggerating. We all really turned a blind eye to his drinking thinking that it wasn’t out of control or he would get help on his own and he ended up dead at 35. The sad part is that Wesley was the type of person that lit up the room. I mean he really walked into any room and was comfortable. He made friends with everyone and I really mean everyone. There wasnt a single person that had anything bad to say about Wes and there were so many stories about him kindness and generosity. Yet, he’s not here. We all think “that’ll never happen to my family”, but in reality we all have a family member or friend that is struggling with addiction (admitted or not).

When AJ first came to us, we had suspicions of drug abuse from his birth mom, but we had no real proof of anything. Unfortunately, there has been more and more evidence come up (arrest records, news stories, etc.,) that show she is using drugs. Hard drugs too. My worldly heart tells me I really shouldnt care and I really should be happy that she’s not in AJ’s life, but there’s a huge part of me that doesn’t feel that way. I’ve felt this heavy burden on my heart for her. In my time with AJ, I’ve never wished for her to not be present in his life. On the contrary, even prior to gaining custody of him, I prayed fervently for her. I prayed for her to be a great mother. I prayed for God to provide her with adequate means to care for our son. I prayed for God to bring peace to her heart. After this last incident, God has been putting it on my heart to pray for her safety and healing. Like waking me up in the middle of the night to pray for her. Bringing me to tears for her. As if she’s my own sister.

I know a lot of women in my situation, and there are so many, would count themselves as lucky that their child’s birth mom is not present in their child’s life. I’ve never been on that train. I have said from the beginning that I wanted her to be in his life because AJ deserves to have as many people as possible in his corner. In the beginning we even offered to get her help because her addiction doesn’t benefit anyone, especially AJ. Why would I want my child to suffer from her choices? Wouldn’t I want her to be her best self for his sake? Even if it’s from a distance, I want him to be able to have a relationship with his birth mother.

My worst fear is having to explain to my son that is birth mother is dead. I know he’s still so little, but no matter how much love I pour into him that is always going to be a dark spot on his heart. As he grows older he will have questions and anger and I dont want that. I dont want him to grow up hating her or feeling like she doesnt love him. I hope some day she will remember him and why he is worth being sober for, even if it makes her uncomfortable.

If you have someone in your life that is struggling with addiction, there are resources out there for you. AL-Anon and NAR-Anon are organizations that provide support to family members and friends of addicts and give them the tools they need to help navigate the situations. I would highly recommend looking into those if you are struggling.

The Queen is Dead. Long Live the Queen.

To say my life has drastically changed from my last post would be an understatement. I’m hoping to return to this blog full time and really utilize it as an escape and way of processing my every day life.

To begin the first change in my life, we will go back to September. I celebrated my 28th birthday and let me tell you, I had a feeling 28 was coming up all Katie and boy was I right. My Regional Director, Tiffany, came to the community to announce that our company would be going to a vaccine mandate for all employees, excluding anyone that could get a medical or religious exemption. Now I’ve heard every argument for both sides of this and I can tell you this is something that has personally affected me. At this stage of the COVID vaccine, I do not think there should be a mandate of any kind, but I’ve also seen how bad COVID can affect someone and I wouldnt want that for anyone. I’ve lost residents to COVID and prevaccine had many who were very sick. I also look at the population I work with. Seniors have some of the highest death rates for COVID. I would do anything within my power to protect my seniors and I think most of my fellow senior living workers would agree.

With this mandate, all non vaccinated employees would be terminated by October 4th, which gave everyone about a month to figure out what they wanted to do. We had some hard no’s and some immediate yes’s and A LOT of not sure. However, at the end of the wait period, everyone who wanted to stay got their vaccine and everyone who didnt want to get it left, which included two housekeepers, a kitchen helper, two servers, and the general manager. So guess what that meant for ya girl! Mother-truckin promoted to GM. Now I will be honest and say this is definitely not the way I wanted to get promoted and it ended up costing me a friend in the process, but damn does it feel good to get recognition for the work you’ve been doing. One of the best comments I think was from an employee who was asked how they thought things were going with me in charge and they said everything was the same because I already did everything anyway. It’s also felt really good to get feedback from the residents about how much has improved over the last month and I can honestly give the credit to my team. They’ve really taken over their roles and I’ve let them take ownership of their positions. I dont have time to micromanage. I’m excited to continue on this new endeavor and grow with this company.

The second biggest change in my life has been obtaining FULL CUSTODY of my step son AJ. I know it may seem so sudden because he just went home August 15th. On October 21st Anthony got a call from Rick, AJ’s grandpa, informing him that Keely, AJ’s mother had been arrested a couple weeks prior for DUI among other things, including drugs. He said she came home after bonding out, but he needed Anthony to come get AJ. He said it wasnt fair to AJ and he just wasnt in a position to care for him anymore. For those of you who haven’t read my blog before, last summer during the custody hearing, we requested drug testing and offered to submit to it ourselves, but the judge said without any tangible proof of drug use we just looked vindictive and gave custody of AJ to his mother and gave her the parenting plan of her dreams; All the control and decision making in AJs life, including the say in anything we wanted to do with him. Fast forward, Anthony manages to make it to Montana on Saturday in what can only be described as the trip from hell, but he made it. I have to give so much credit to Rick for putting AJ’s needs first. It takes a truly selfless person to go against his own daughter and say it’s not best for AJ to be around his daughter right now. I know Rick loves AJ more than anything, but Rick hasnt gotten to be AJ’s grandpa for over a year, probably more. He’s had to be his parent and that’s not fair to either of them, especially since he doesnt have a vehicle. That means it’s just him and AJ 24/7 with very minimal effort from AJ’s mother. I love AJ to death, but he’s exhausting for me. I cant imagine someone who isnt in the best health trying to wrangle a energetic little monster.

We get emergency custody filed and a court date set. Meanwhile, Keely is trying to say this is just temporary until she can get her life together (mind you last year we went through the same thing, but we learned our lesson there). Rick agreed to attend the court hearing and testify on AJ’s behalf as to what their living situation as been and the absence of his mother. The week before the court date, Anthony gets a call from the Highway Patrolmen who arrested Keely. He informs Anthony that she did get arrested for DUI (driving under the influence of drugs), but he couldnt tell Anthony what else was pending because it wasnt technically his business. Anthony explained that he was going to court for AJ’s custody and he was trying to understand the situation prior to court. The HiPo explained that while he couldnt say exactly what she was going to be charged with that it was pretty “heavy hitting” stuff and not just traffic violations. All during this time, Keely is maintaining that there’s nothing bad coming her way, but makes it very clear that she is not attending the hearing because the cops are looking for her. A win in our position.

Friday comes and within 20 minutes of the hearing the Judge grants us full custody of AJ. No questions, no pleading, just facts and a decision. The judge asked Anthony about visitation for Keely and Anthony explained that we dont want to keep AJ from her, but she has some serious life changes to make before it’s safe for him to be around her. They agree on electronic and supervised visitation only. Rick didnt have to testify, but he was still able to make a statement regarding AJ’s best interest. When I tell you the burden was lifted, it was lifted high. His mother still has not reached out regarding the decision and I’m not even sure if she’s aware of what the judge decided. I really do pray for her and hope she is able to change her life for the positive because AJ needs his mom. As much as I am a mother figure in his life, she will always be his mom. He deserves to not have to question where his mom is or why he isnt with her.

So in less than a month I’ve been promoted and gained a 3.5 year old. It has been a whirlwind. I’m so grateful for everyone who has help us get through the last couple of weeks and helped us stabilize our life. From money to time and energy, to just being nice to my kid has been so wonderful and it doesnt go unappreciated. I’d be lying if I said I didnt pray for this day to come, but in reality for the last month I’ve felt this need to pray for AJ to come to our home permanently. Not because I wanted his mother to fail, but because I want what is best for AJ. In just a couple of weeks he’s a different kid. He still has some anger he is processing through, but he’s starting to relax and actually have fun. We’ve had the talk with him about him staying in Texas permanently and it seemed to make him feel more secure. We still talk about his mom in a positive light and he video calls his papa Rick every week. Keep us in your prayers yall. I’m excited for everything coming our way and I cant wait for the new Brown Family Adventures.

Be The One

Last week in church, we finished our final section of our study called “For The One.” This is a rebranding for our church, as before our slogan was “For the Basin” referencing the Permian Basin, for those readers that aren’t familiar with west Texas. This study had five areas we want to exemplify as Christians:

  • Follow the One
  • Reach the One
  • Serve the One
  • Gather as One
  • Be the One

Each week we studied one of these areas and learned the importance of each of these areas and how they are fundamental to not only the church, but to our individual walks with God. Sundays final lesson, “Be the One” focused on spiritual maturity and how we obtain spiritual maturity. Our pastor, Jeremiah, spoke about what spiritual maturity is and what it is not. It’s not really like Jeremiah to call anyone out, but he was a bit more fiery than usual.

He told us spiritual maturity isn’t about how long you’ve been a Christian, how much Bible knowledge you have, how elevated your morality is, or how deeply spiritual you are. This touched on so many issues we have in the church today. Things that deter new Christians from finding their sense of belonging within the church. Statements like “well I’ve been here for X amount of years so I know what’s best” or “I go to church so I’m clearly a better person than they are.” “I raise my hands and worship more openly so I clearly have a better connection with God” or “WELL ACTUALLY the Bible says blah blah blah.” I’m sure all of us at some point have heard something along these lines. We’ve all heard something that has made us feel inferior in our faith walk.

I think in today’s society we’ve become stuck in what’s called the bystander effect. This term was coined when a Kitty Genovese was being attacked and sexually assaulted outside her apartment complex. After her murder, police found that 38 people witnessed the violent attack, yet no one called the police or even went to help her. Majority of people said “I thought someone else would call/help her.” The attacker was detoured twice by lights coming on in the building but ultimately returned to Kitty for a third time to stab her to death. This is why during emergency situations, with any sort of training (CPR, EMT, etc) you are trained to point to one person and instruct them to call the police because in theory, most people will assume someone else will do it. If you elect one single person to call it eliminates varying stories about the events as well as the inaction of every person present.

How many times in our lives do we refuse to help someone we see suffering or struggling in life because we assume that someone else is going to do it? We’ve become a world of “not my problem.” I can tell you I’ve lost people in my life because all of us thought “not my problem, someone else will help them.” Even outside the realm of religion and spirituality, being “The One” for someone could save them. Being that one person who takes the time to show love and compassion to someone who is stuck or hurt could result in a single defining moment that changes everything for them. We need to ask ourselves every time we hesitate “If not me, then who?” Most of the time, there is not another “who.”

Our life is made up of small moments. Singular interactions where we only have minutes to change the path someone is going down. So step out of your comfort zone and reach out to someone the next time you feel that inkling that they’re needing someone to be their one.

40 Days in the Wilderness

First and foremost, I’d like to apologize to my inattentiveness to this blog as well as to my dedicated readers. The last few months have been hectic emotionally and physically. In late May/early June, I found myself pregnant for the third time. Unfortunately around the 6 week mark, my numbers were still not going up like they should and my doctor suspected an ectopic pregnancy. For those that do not know what that means, it is when the fertilized egg gets stuck in the fallopian tube and continues to grow slowly. This can be extremely dangerous if not caught early because the egg growth can cause the tube to rupture, which can result in tube and ovary loss as well as death due to internal bleeding. After I had a ultrasound, it was confirmed that it was indeed ectopic and I was put on medical restriction to reduce the risk of rupture. To treat an ectopic pregnancy they give you three shots in your hip of methotrexate, which is a chemo medication. It essentially attacks growing cells within the body and dissolves the tissue. Upon taking this medication I had to sign paperwork saying I wouldnt try to get pregnant for three months, I wouldn’t exercise until I’m released from restriction, and that I wouldnt smoke or consume alcohol for the next two weeks because until I had a negative pregnancy test, I was still at risk of rupture and another pregnancy could result in tubule rupture. It would be easy to say that this was devastating, but my real heartbreak would come two weeks later when my OB informed me she didn’t think I would have a chance of successful pregnancy because of this ectopic pregnancy and that the procedure to check my tubes was about $1500 out of pocket. She recommended IVF to avoid another ectopic pregnancy and nothing else.

I spent the rest of my vacation to Montana crying and being upset about this news. I couldn’t even really enjoy having AJ for the first week because all I could think about was how expensive IVF is and even if we looked at adoption, that was expensive too. Hopeless is the best word I could use to describe myself at this moment. Especially looking at my beautiful step son. How was is possible that at 27, in semi decent health, I was unable to have my own baby, but I had to share a child I loved with a woman who really didnt love him as a mother should? Following up with an infertility specialist would be a current dead end as well. The minimum cost for exploratory surgery was $2700 and that was just to determine if there was an issue. That does not go to the actual cost of IVF. The doctors appointment alone was $200 upfront no insurance option available.

As we started our summer my mother surprised me with a book, as she is custom to doing. “The 40-Day Social Media Fast.” It was a 40 day devotional study that took you completely off social media for 40 days in order to grow your relationship with God. No facebook, twitter, instagram, tik tok, etc., etc. Normally I would’ve rolled my eyes at it, but my husband made a comment he didn’t think I could do it, so of course I had to rise to the occasion. As I started this journey, I found myself detoxing hard. I was grabbing my phone just to fidget. I would even scroll through my photos just to be on my phone. I wasn’t so concerned with the world, but I didn’t have anything to keep my attention. I found myself reaching for my phone at the slightest inconvenience or down moment I had. As I got further and further into this fast, I realized how truly dependent I was on my phone for everything and how much I was missing by looking down constantly. Time with God, with my husband, with my child, and with myself were lacking largely. I found myself having time to sit and play with AJ. I had time to read a book. I had time to pray and send quality time with God. The weeks went by I became more convicted about other distractions I had on my phone. Online games was one of my biggest convictions. Anytime I had more than a couple minutes I was opening a game on my phone. Even if I was laying in bed with my husband after a long day, I was opening my phone instead of spending time with him. Instead of playing with my child, I was playing on my phone.

I made a decision that I was done being chained to this small box and giving it my attention when my attention was due in other places. I wanted to focus on making memories and enjoying my life in concordance with God and my duties as a wife and step mom. I was tried of zoning out and filling my mind with stuff that wasn’t going to matter in the long run. It didnt matter how many likes I got on a picture or how many people thought I was funny. I wanted to stop my need for validation from everyone else and concern myself with the only validation I need; God’s validation.

After 40 days, I made the conscious decision to keep all social media platforms off my phone. Apart from Facebook Messenger and Pinterest, you wont find any “social media” apps on my phone. I went back and forth on deleting entirely, but the devotionals in my book made a point to talk about how social media isn’t bad when used in the right way or in moderation. Facebook has given my a platform to share my story of grace as well as keep in touch with people I would have no way of knowing about outside of that. However, I wanted to remove myself from the gossip and drama and envy that accompanies such platforms. I’ve allotted myself to checking a maximum of once a day from a computer and just to check notifications and any posts on our prayer support group. No scrolling or snooping. The people I want in my life have my number and I’m invested in the things that matter most.

Life is too short and too precious to remain glued to your phone every waking minute of every day. Look up and connect with those around you and enjoy the moments that are passing you by.

The Chosen

I’ve been wanting to write this post for a couple weeks, but honestly I have been waiting for my obsession with this show to die down. News Flash: it hasn’t! If you haven’t heard of The Chosen it is a biblical narrative of the gospels. It’s based on the book The Chosen which was written by the same author as The Left Behind Series. Jerry Jenkins, the author, developed a background and plot line for the characters of the gospels based off of the Bible. It gives depth and humanity to the stories we have heard in the New Testament. Its described as “Seeing Jesus through the eyes of those who knew Him.”

A few weeks ago we watched this clip from this show at church and it featured the story of Jesus meeting the Samaritan women at the well. In this scene we see dialog that isn’t written in the Bible, to which of course my Bible College husband immediately remarked “this isn’t Biblically accurate.” However, there was this beautiful moment where I really felt like this was a portrayal of Jesus that I had felt in my heart for years and I was finally seeing him on a screen. This kind, gentle, forgiving, and compassion man who came to save those that others condemned. A couple weeks later, Anthony and I decided to start watching. Little to our knowledge, season 1 was already done and season 2 was starting. As soon as we started, I couldn’t get enough. I wanted so much more, not only of Jesus, but of the other characters. I wanted more of Simon’s arrogance, more of Matthew’s growth, and more of Mary’s redemption, among so many others.

I watched an interview today with the director of The Chosen and he discussed the views and beliefs of the project because they have been met with a lot of criticism, as you can imagine. Dallas talked about how their crew is from a large variety of belief systems, some even none believers, and how their goal is to give life to the characters of the Bible. They arent a domination or non-profit organization. They aren’t adding to the Bible or replacing it because it needs no improvement, but adding cultural and historical background to the characters we already know. They are creating a show that is inspired by the Bible. They aren’t saying their show is the word of God, but they want to give the world a new, personal look at Jesus and the relationship with people. They aren’t trying to convert anyone or force anyone to change their beliefs. They have Evangelicals, Mormons, Catholics, Jews, and so many others creating this show. They believe that this is a calling for their life and that they are to take extreme care with the content.

One reason I’ve fallen so in love with this show is the portrayal of Jesus. So often in religion we forget that Jesus became fully man. We forget that he had family and friends and most Biblical shows or movies portray him as this stoic deity and remove the humanity from him. Don’t get me wrong, Jesus was fully God and fully man, but I have a hard time believing he came to this earth and from birth had no emotional connection with anyone and just came here to die and be resurrected. The Bible talks about how Jesus knows how we feel. When we mourn, he mourns with us. When we’re joyful, he rejoices with us. So when I see a show with Jesus making jokes at his disciples, or teaching children, or showing his mother love, I can’t help but feel pride. Like “Yes this is the Jesus I have fallen so deeply in love with and now everyone gets to see it!” And I know Jonathan Roumie isn’t Jesus, but I believe the script and team have been truly blessed with this project.

They have an app where you can check out all episodes of the show. They are also available on YouTube and Facebook. Or if you’re a reader you can also check out the book at https://thechosengifts.com/collections/apparel. I normally dont push for anyone to do anything, but this show is something special and I’m literally counting the days till the next episode. They are releasing them as they make them so we don’t have to wait 6 months between seasons. Granted we have to wait a couple of weeks between episodes instead of a week at a time, but I can live with it.

Over There

My senior year of high school, I encountered an English teacher that revolutionized my love for poetry. Mr. Kline was not your average English teacher. He was ex army, solidly built, wore flannel and jeans, and dipped during class when he tried to quit smoking. He cussed and regularly told us the harsh realities of life. He never got his board certification because he wasn’t conventional and didn’t fit into the box. He had a passion for Shakespeare and we would spend weeks analyzing his writings and the beauty of how he articulated every word.

One day he decided he wanted us to begin writing poetry. We had spent a month analyzing poetry, some of his own, and deciphering language and meaning. He told us to pick a moment in our lives, a single moment, and write a paragraph about it. I had one moment that was fresh in my mind, my brothers second deployment. When he deployed the first time, we didn’t get to see him off because he was in New York. I was 14 at the time and was still really naive to what was happening. For the second deployment, he was a short six hour drive away and we went as a family to Ft. Bliss. I was 18 now and very aware of what a deployment meant. I knew that I could possibly be saying good bye to my big brother forever.

I wrote this all into a paragraph and turned it in. As he handed back our assignments, I didn’t get mine back. He stood in front of the class and asked if he could read my paragraph. I reluctantly shook my head yes and tried to keep from crying as he read it aloud. He choked up as he read and explained that he could feel my emotion through my words. His son had just enlisted and he too was feeling the fear of what deployment meant.

Mr. Kline helped me develop this poem. He suggested a song called Over There by Chris Gerolmo and said it would be perfect to work the lyrics into my poem. I’ve worked on this poem periodically over the last decade. Every time I thought of it, I’d pull it out and add to it or tweak it. Today I decided that I think it’s ready for sharing. I’m sure I’ll come back to it again, but for now, here it is.

Over There

The air was stifling as we stepped through the doors to the gymnasium

The day is coming

Drums are drumming

Holding my breath as if maybe plans would change if they saw everyone’s silent uneasiness

If you know one say a prayer

Masses of civilians with clear cut paths of tears running down their cheeks

There’s a Mother crying

Father’s sighing

Soldiers bury their heartache underneath battle ready war faces

War is in the air

An order is given to load up and the panic begins to set in

Trains filling up with boys

Who have left their favorite toys

Heart rates rise as we try to compose ourselves over goodbyes

They’re going over there

We embrace and whisper a prayer hoping it will not be the last time

Over there

Someone has to die

And hope begins to dissipate as the distance between us grows

It’s not our job to reason why

We drive home in silence, collectively pretending this is a short vacation and not a permanent death sentence.

Someone has to die

Over there

Forever Weird and Awkward

Recently, I have gotten Anthony into watching Friday Night Lights. It’s one of my favorite shows and since I’ve tried multiple times to get him into any of my favorite shows with no luck, this is a small victory. For those of you that havent seen it (you should) there’s a couple of main characters I’m going to describe for the sake of this post. Matt Saracen is the under dog starting QB, who’s nerdy and slightly smaller build, sweet and genuine, and awkward in general. Tim Riggins (insert heart eyes) is the hot, popular, party guy, who really does whatever he wants because his parents aren’t around, but ultimately is a good guy that doesn’t show it. Two very opposite, but lovable characters (most of the time). Anthony had asked me if I would have dated Matt Saracen in high school and I said yes. He said “Why because he’s a nerd? You wouldn’t have dated Tim?”

Contrary to popular belief, I was not a popular kid in high school. I was friends with every body, but I didn’t really run in that circle. I had two, maybe three, real friends. Good friends. Friends that I did everything with, and they also were not popular kids. We were those kids that spent our Friday nights playing board games, driving around, or going to the park just being stupid. We spent our Saturdays building giant slip n slides, watching scary movies, and laughing until we cried. There were no drugs, no alcohol, and no reason for our parents to mistrust us. It may seem to some that my high school years were pretty lame, but I can tell you they gave me some of the best memories of my life. I still laugh at Jayden teaching me and Sammie to drive his standard truck and the absolute panic and laughter of stalling out at the stop light. I cherish the hours of Quelf at Kayla’s house and how ridiculous we got trying to win. Now more than ever, I miss the countless Wednesday night’s we spent at youth group with Steve playing some insane game like baby food roulette and hearing him yell “Katers” from across the parking lot and doing some silly dance move to make me laugh.

I would’ve loved to date a Tim Riggins in high school, but that wasn’t really the crowd I ran with. I didnt get nominated for prom or homecoming court. I didn’t get invited to parties. I didn’t have guys knocking each other over to ask me out (even though my husband says I was a hottie in high school). What’s so ironic about the whole thing is, I ended up marrying a Tim Riggins. Not that he’s a Tim Riggins now, but in high school, that’s who Anthony was. Granted, he worked hard and ended up in the military, but personality wise and party wise, definitely a Tim. I feel like this is such a funny spot in our relationship because our personalities are so different in terms of socializing. I am very much content with not coming out of my bubble and so I don’t really make friends that often. Anthony is the exact opposite. He has no problem going up to people, introducing himself, and it’s almost like instantaneous he makes friends. For example, we’ve been at Crossroads for over a year now and he has a pretty good crew of friends. I have like two. Everyone at church seems to know him and recognize him, but I’ve not had a single encounter like that. I’m kind of getting there with the people in the Kids Ministry. But he has this insane popular gene that I just do not have. Like if he misses a service, people notice and we go to a HUGE church. He’s been out with pneumonia and last week at his first service back, several people noticed him and made sure to say that they’re glad he’s back and they were worried. Like WHHHHHAAAAT?

Now we’re not in high school anymore and no one is really the same person they were in high school, but I still find it so fascinating how even as adults, parts of our high school personalities stick with us. There is always a group of “popular” people and if you don’t think there is, you’re in the popular group. What I find even more humorous, is trying to explain to Anthony that I don’t have the popular kid mentality because he doesnt know any different. For example, he always says things like “just go talk to them” because that’s something he can just do. I still very much have this stigma of being part of the weird outcast crowd of kids so I always assume people aren’t going to like me. I’ve been working really at putting myself out there and not caring as much what people think, but that tends to be hard when you think you’re weird.

Sitting with Grief

I’d be lying if I said this hasnt been a tough week. For some reason, my depression has decided to rear it’s ugly head and I’ve been slipping into a deep rut. I think it’s mostly due to the fact that I can feel my period coming. For those of you that this is your first time reading my blog or we arent friends on Facebook, last month I suffered my second miscarriage in 4 months. So the return of my period was another ugly reminder that I am no longer pregnant and for those that have never experienced a miscarriage, the period after is usually extremely painful, which is what I’m dealing with today as I right this. Most days, I’ve come to terms with the losses we have suffered, but unfortunately I am not super human and grief does not disappear. Grief is everlasting and anyone that’s lost someone they love knows that there are some days that are easy and other days when the hurt of losing them is so immense that you cant even get out of bed. No matter how much time goes by, days, weeks, months, or decades, you still miss them.

Now I know for some people, missing someone I only had for 6 weeks may seem like a bit much. I didnt get to hold them or feel them move inside me, but both of them were my children. They both were alive and they both were loved beyond measure. For months I’ve been fighting this battle of self blame and even though I didnt want to admit it, God blaming. Day after day I see my friends and family having babies, raising children, and I cant help but ask “Why do I not get to do that too?” I’ve been racking my brain with the question of what did I do that was deserving of having not one, but two babies, taken from me? Because I whole heartedly believe that God does not do anything out of malice, so it must be me right? I must have been the one to incur this punishment and cause the loss of my unborn children.

Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your point of view, my husband has a preacher personality. For those of you that have never met Anthony, one thing you need to know is that he is passionate about three things. God, our marriage, and his children. It used to be America too, but over the last year that has dwindled a bit. By passionate, I mean he is on fire for Jesus. So much that I would say that 95% of his talking time is spent talking about the Gospel. So while I’m sitting there, soaking in my misery because that’s what I do when I’m depressed, he’s trying to revive my spirit. Now anyone that knows me, knows I need to sit with my feelings and process them, but I think we both knew I had been sitting there for too long. I’m sitting there, literally crying, and poor Anthony is trying to get to the heart of what my issue is. He’s talking and I’m just numbingly crying and nodding my head. He finally comes and sits in front of me and asks when my devotional time with God stopped. I said probably Christmas when the kids were here, to which he points out that was when I had my first miscarriage. He told me that it’s okay to be angry at God for what happened. It’s okay to ask him why because can handle the anger and the questions. However, I shouldn’t let my feelings take me away from God. In times of hurting I need to turn to God. Lastly, he points out that it’s also not my fault for the miscarriages and I dont need to let that thought continue in my head. This whole time, I have said maybe 4 words and he had exactly the right words for my hurting heart.

I will be 100% honest and tell you that I did not want to hear any of this in the moment. Or I should say my depression didn’t want to hear any of this especially the parts about letting my internal voice tell me that I don’t need God or that I’m worthless and alone. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but it was definitely something I needed to hear. I’ve been praying to God over the last couple of days to provide me with comfort and peace. Last night I had a dream and in this dream, I had a baby boy who was about 10 months old. Honestly, he was the cutest, happiest thing I had ever seen. And a chunky little thing. Y’all he looked so much like a perfect mix of myself and Anthony. Dirty blonde hair, blue eyes, this biggest toothiest grin, and unfortunately Daugherty head (that means large and round for anyone outside my family, my dad calls it the pumpkin head). I cant tell you if this was a glimpse into the future or just God giving me a moment of peace, but it was wonderful. I held that little boy and loved on him for as long as I could. So much that when I woke up 20 minutes before my alarm that I fought so hard to get back there for just one more minute. I woke up this morning feeling a new sense of peace in my life and thankful for what I have and whatever other things I am blessed with.

The Nones

This past week in She-Tribe, our teacher gave us some statistics on “none-religious” individuals. About 20-25% of the U.S. population mark “none” when asked about their religious affiliation. This generally means that they dont really consider themselves an atheist, but dont really consider themselves Christian or any other religion. We usually see the tagline “spiritual, but not religious.” They believe in something, even if they dont have a label for what that something is. The highest age group in the “nones” is millennials, or people born 1981-1996.

This really hit home for me. Up until last year, this was me. And I totally get it. I didnt want that label of “Christian” because so many things have happened within the church and so many things that have happened to myself and people I love that “Christian” had a negative connotation and I did not want that negativity put on me. I explained this to my Bible study group, which is all women over like 60 and it’s my favorite thing ever because I’m the only young person in the group. I explained that I think the reason most people my age don’t want to identify as Christian is because at some point we have been made to feel unwelcomed by the church or people we love have been persecuted by the church. I say “the church” because I believe, unfortunately, because this is such a widespread problem, the church is responsible. The fact that we can talk about this and it can resonant with majority of people means it’s a problem. My ladies whole heartedly agreed and we discussed how the love is missing from the church today and that we as Christians are responsible for that.

I think if you ask majority of most Christians why more people don’t come to church, they will tell you it’s because they’re sinful and don’t want to change their lifestyle. I would consider this partially true, but I think a big part of it is that people don’t want to come to a place where they don’t feel welcome. I wrote a post a few weeks ago about the love that is missing from the church. Christians are supposed to be known by their love for people. Jesus literally let a prostitute wash his feet and people are worried about a gay person sitting next to them in church. Believe me, if Jesus walked into some of y’alls church, he would be ashamed and embarrassed. Now I don’t say that to shame anyone because I am one of those people. I’ve turned my nose up at people, judged people, gossiped about people, etc., that came into my church. I was and still am self-righteous at times and I think that is because I misunderstood the meaning of the “better life” Jesus gave me. I thought it made me better than those that didnt have Jesus in their lives. In reality, it doesnt make me better than anyone.

Human beings are garbage. No matter how good someone acts or how many good deeds they do, deep down they are terrible people. I mean if you strip humanity down to their base instincts, they will do whatever they have to do to survive. Now we may not be killing each other for resources (yet), but we still do things to rise above others and a lot of the time, we hurt others to get ahead in life. Even as children, we lie or make up things about our peers so others don’t like them. I can tell you in elementary school, we had one girl that we bullied mercilessly. We played this game called “Brooke germs” and if she touched you, you had to touch someone else and pass the germs along and you tried to avoid getting touched by her. Now this wasnt like one or two kids that played this “game.” This was the entire grade. That shit makes me sick to my stomach to think about how unnecessarily mean we were to her and for what? To fit in? To get laughs? I was raised in a kind home, my parents didnt bully people, so why the hell did I think it was funny to torment this girl? She didnt do anything to me or provoke me in any way.

I know a lot of people will say that they were never like that or that they were bullied, but we’ve all done it. To siblings, to peers, to spouses, to parents, to coworkers, etc. The list goes on and on. No one is kind all the time. Even if it’s from the privacy of our homes or behind our phone screens, we are awful people. That is where the church fails. They lose the mentality that they too are sinners. They stop telling people that they struggle too. They stop being convicted and start convicting others. On Easter Sunday, we watched a sermon by Pastor Rod Parsley and he talked about how in most churches today only 5% of the people that attend are really saved and really get it. I think that’s part of the problem. So many people, including myself, have become subscribers of Jesus, and not genuine followers of Jesus. We like the ideas of being a Christian and playing the part of Christian, but it’s more of an insurance policy and it makes us feel special. We want to do just enough to get in God’s good graces and honestly, that’s where we are failing the world as Christians. We’re showing others that this is what it takes to be a “Christian” and we’re doing a disservice to them and to God. We are actively misrepresenting who Jesus is, which is ultimately pushing people away from him.

Well that’s my soapbox for the week. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and my inbox is always open for any questions or discussion you may want to have.