Loving Through Hate

For those of you who don’t know, I married into a blended family. My husband has two beautiful, amazing, intelligent, and charismatic children. Even at 3 and 13, they are unique and bright individuals and I love them to death. This afternoon while at the grocery store I finally got around to picking up some things for AJ’s Easter basket since it’s something we started with him at our house and I’m not sure if his mother will get him anything since she hates Christianity. I’ve been planning to do this for about a month now because I really just want to do something nice for AJ, but as I’m walking through the store, the ever creeping voice of doubt started to come in. “You know you don’t have to buy this stuff. Keely has said so many hateful things about you. Why should you do anything for AJ when she’s just going to say it’s from her or not even say thank you?” Over and over while I’m picking out things.

It’s true. Keely has said some terrible things about me. On multiple occasions calling me a cow, a whale, really every variation of fat she can come up with. She’s said there’s a reason God made sure I couldn’t have children. She’s accused me of mistreating AJ. Shes denied me access to talking to AJ. She’s said that I’m Anthony’s “rich girlfriend” and I basically pay for everything while he lives in poverty. So on and so on.

I have so many reasons to hate her. Not just for the things she’s said about me, when she really doesn’t know me, but for the things she’s said and done to Anthony. However, at the end of the day she really doesn’t mean much to me. I mean really, I have Anthony because of what a terrible person she is and I get to love and spoil her child even though he’s not mine. Am I jealous that she was blessed with this phenomenal child that she really doesn’t care about? Ya I am, but that doesn’t affect how much I love and adore AJ and it doesn’t affect how much I pray for her.

That’s right I said it. Pray for her. Let me tell you, it’s not easy. God has woken me up in the middle of the night to pray for her. Do you know how aggravating that is? To be forced awake and have to stay awake until you pray for someone that you cannot stand? I pray for her because I want her life to get better for AJ’s sake. I want her to be a better mother. Side note: I pray for both of the children’s mothers because I want them both to be blessed and my step children to be blessed.

Believe me, it’s really easy to build up my self worth and compare myself to her. I have a college degree, I have my own car and house, I have a phenomenal job, and I have an amazing husband who adores me. Listen I may not be a skinny Minnie, but honey, I’ve been thick since the 6th grade. She’s gonna have to do better than calling me fat. But what else could she make fun of? I’m smart, educated, well employed, and apparently “rich” and live a “luxurious lifestyle.”

Now I shouldn’t do that. Thats technically being self righteous and judgmental and I don’t want to be that person. God has called me to be better than that, and that’s why I pray for her. That’s why I don’t let someone who’s a blip on my radar of self worth and wonderful life become a wave of despair and tension.

So go forth this week and love yourself. Love your kids. Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.

Modern Day Christianity

One thing I’ve discovered through reconnecting with my faith is that there is a severe disdain for the Christian community. I can fully admit that I was one of these people at one point. I had a hard time wanting to claim the title of Christian because of what I assumed it stood for. Having a gay brother, and other friends within the LGBTQ+ community, made it really hard for me to want to be part of an organized faith that “hates gay people.” Or “hates everyone who’s not Christian.” I’ve had friends that were told they weren’t welcomed at church because of how they look or where they work. So I get it. No one likes to be told they are “sinning” or “going to hell” for being themselves and I don’t mean that in the way that being gay is an unforgivable sin or this unholy thing.

I fully believe in my heart that God loves all his creations and that none of us are better than the other. Honestly, by the Bible’s view, we’re all terrible people. We all do things that are immoral, even outside the what the Bible says. I know that we all, including me, have encountered people within religion that made them feel like they couldn’t have a relationship with God because of something they did or said. Women who have had abortions, divorced couples, LGBTQ+ individuals, smokers, drinkers, drug users, promiscuous people, tattooed and pierced people, people of different races and ethnicities, single parents, depressed people, etc. We all have had someone make us feel like we are not welcome in a church.

I’ll be the first to tell you, I’m not a good person. I’ve lied, cheated, hurt people I care about, judged people, been spiteful, been arrogant, been hateful, among so many other things. On a daily basis, I say and do things that aren’t seen as holy in God’s eyes. I think this is something Christians tend to lose sight of when ministering to others. They forget that they themselves are not worth of God’s love. No one is. This self-righteous reputation the Christian community has obtained has stopped us from reaching so many people. The approach of shaming people in hopes that they will want to seek out God, isnt working. The Christian community cries and complains that the world is such a sinful, terrible place today, but they miss the part where Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself. Love. Not tolerate your neighbor, not ignore your neighbor, not judge your neighbor, and not persecute your neighbor. Love God and love people.

Last night in our Married Life class we learned about being ambassadors for Christ. An ambassador is a person who acts as a representative to a foreign country. What kind of representatives are we if people think we hate them? If you have one chance with someone to teach them about your God, are you going to spend that time telling them how terrible they are and that they are going to Hell or are you going to spend your time telling them how much love and peace God has to offer them and how God will meet them where they are? I’m not sure when the church decided to take the fire and brimstone tactic, I’m gonna guess in the era of Billy Graham and televangelism, but somewhere in that message there stopped being a follow up of what’s good about having a relationship with God. It became about scarring people into being Christians. Now don’t get me wrong, Hell is very real and we should be scared of going there, but loyalty made out of fear isn’t loyalty, it’s extortion. God doesn’t want a relationship based on fear. God is a just God and he does hold us accountable for our disobedience, but sending Jesus to die for us was about love. The cross is a bridge for us to get to Jesus and its an elective journey. You cant push or pull people and you also can’t decide who does and doesnt get to cross the bridge. You cant sell tickets and you cant make promises on someone’s eternity. You tell them why they should cross bridge and what is waiting on the other side, but we are not responsible for forcing people to join our way of thinking. A relationship with God is a garden. You have to plant the seed and sometimes you’re the one that gets to water it. Sometimes someone else waters it and reaps the harvest, but you cant drown your seed and hope it will grow faster.

This isnt me, standing on a soapbox, crying “oh the Christians get persecuted more than anyone else today.” That will never be me because in ancient Rome they fed Christians to the lions for fun and Christians in other parts of the world are murdered or jailed for what they believe. They meet in underground rooms and in secret not out of shame, but out of fear from their government. There are missionaries in war zones that make a daily decision to serve God even though they could die for it. Yet in the United States, we think we’re persecuted? We think because someone doesnt agree with us or there’s movement to make things inclusive that we’re being attacked for our faith? Peter was literally crucified for preaching the word of God and we are so easily offended if someone doesn’t believe in God or mocks us or says something hurtful to us. What are we doing in response to that? Are we living the example of “love your neighbors and pray for those who persecute you?” Or are we reacting out of malice and hate? Jesus said “If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.” It’s that simple.

For anyone that’s felt the call to have a relationship with God, but has felt rejected by the church, please know that not all Christians are like that. Majority of us are not like that. I can’t answer for God or speak on his behalf about why certain things are in the Bible or anything like that, but I can tell you that since I’ve actively had a relationship with God and chosen to seek him first, my life has become substantially better. I’m not saying I don’t struggle because I do. I have my moments of anxiety, depression, anger, self hate, etc. However, I no longer sit in those feelings thinking I can fix them myself or fix them through alcohol or with another human being’s help. I’ve found a level of comfort and support that no human being has ever been able to give me. That’s not to slight anyone in my life because I’ve had amazing support from my spouse and friends and family members, but having a spiritual force higher than myself that knows my hurt and knows everything about me yet still chooses to have a relationship with me brings me more joy and comfort than I could ever imagine.

This piece is not meant in anyone to preach at people, but to extend the hand that we are supposed to be as Christians. Anthony will tell anyone that I’m the “love everyone” type person and that is true, but that’s because God has always given me a heart for the lost and the broken. My mom will tell you, she and I always attract the odd ones, the left one ones, the broken ones, and anyone else that is lost and I believe that’s because that is something seriously lacking in our world. I always say “be the change you want to see in the world” and I try to live up to that every day. There’s a lot of hate and division in our world and honestly it’s perpetuated by both sides or every side. Everyone thinks that everyone hates them and so they need to respond back with hate. We cannot atone for the sins of our ancestors nor can we make amends for things we have not done. All we can do is wake up every day and make the conscious decision to love people despite how they look, how they act, where they are from, who they voted for, what they have done, and who they love.

Mayday! Mayday!

Now that life has somewhat gotten back to normal, I wanted to share my experiences over the last week. Saturday, the 13th, I got married. My dad officiated and it was short and sweet and quite complete. The ceremony was filled with wisdom and a constant reminder that our marriage relies on Gods love and he is truly the third strand in our rope. We had cake and punch and other finger foods. My mother put together a beautiful spread of snacks and that cake was phenomenal. She’s truly a talented party planner and I couldn’t have put that together without her. And the best part, there was a storm so it only lasted an hour and I got to put my jammies on afterward and enjoy time with my husband and my parents.

The next day, the storm started moving in more and my community started moving into emergency preparedness mode. Drip the faucets, turn up the heat, ice the sidewalks, etc. Monday morning, I woke up freezing cold and dead quiet. I came out and of course, my mom is doing her thing. Making coffee on the stove, making biscuits on the stove, all while bundled up. We played some games and ran some errands while we prayed the power would come back on. You couldn’t even get through to the power company to get an estimated time of restored power. By 6pm when it still wasn’t on, we made the decision to take the guest apartment at my work. Meanwhile, my GM who lives a block away from me, is trying to figure out where to go so she can plug her oxygen in.

I honestly wish that was the end of story. At 7am Tuesday morning, my bus driver calls me from down stairs, telling me a pipe has busted and the dining room is flooded. I ran downstairs in my pjs, no shoes, and my glasses. The pipe that burst had been in the ceiling of an apartment (vacant one thank god) and had caused the ceiling to fall. Me being a resourceful person, got the water off as my executive chef called in a plumber. We spent the next hour shop vacuuming the dining room while the plumbers did their thing. A huge shoutout to my staff, especially Robbie, Rosa, and Zuly. Without hesitation they went to work cleaning up and making sure our residents were safe and knew the water was off.

As fate would have it, when it rains it pours. Not even an hour later, we lost power. Now a lot of people asked why a place that houses seniors doesn’t have a emergency power back up? Well we do, but it’s for emergency lights and in their newer buildings, emergency plugs in every room and hallway. With us being an older building, we only had emergency lighting. Technically we’re independent which means most of these people are in good health and not have extreme medical needs, but I have multiple people on oxygen. Thankfully I was able to find one working outlet, but we had one extension cord. So who gets it? Who gets to have their oxygen machine running?

So as we’re standing there, praying we find a way to get oxygen machines plugged in, the power comes back on. But now we have to get into preparedness mode because we wouldn’t know if it was gonna be a rolling black out. Thankfully, family members came and brought extension cords and for the sake of safety we ran extension cords to the emergency plug for oxygen machines. Now because we didn’t have a kitchen during this, my executive chef made an emergency trip to the grocery store. As you can imagine, they were barren. He went to the deli and asked for the entire turkey to be sliced up. When he said that, the kid asked to clarify if he wanted the whole thing. He said it was for 88 elderly people so ya the whole thing. The manager was behind him and asked what else he needed. The manager said they just had a truck come in and hadn’t had a chance to restock so he went in the back and got him bread and chips to go with the deli meat. Shoutout to HEB for taking care of our people. You really saved us.

I don’t think I slept much that night, waiting for the power to go out. Waiting to make a run downstairs in my pjs to make sure everyone was okay. I thought we made it out of the woods by the next morning but sure enough I woke up and at 7:30 the lights went out again. Thankfully, it was for two hours this time. We made it through Wednesday and by Thursday the ship had straightened out. I finally was able to go home and sleep in peace.

I saw a lot of posts talking shit about how Texas doesn’t know how to handle a little snow. Let me tell you, I may not be a Texas native, but in the four years I lived here, it’s snowed three times, and only one of those times was it enough snow to close things down. But not once have I experienced something like this. I’ve experienced snow storms, I’ve lived in a house with no heat in the winter, but having an entire town, almost an entire state, without power and water for Multiple days. TeXaS ShOuLd HaVe BeEn PrEpArED. Y’all are dumb. We don’t even own winter clothing out here in west Texas because it’s cold maybe one month out of the year. Last year we got an “Arctic chill” when it dropped to 31 degrees. Homes are built for the heat we get not the cold. People literally died because of this storm and the negligence of the Texas power companies. There were no supplies left to buy. They literally had warming stations set up so people could just come for a little bit to warm up. Furniture stores were opening up and letting people come in to sleep. But everyone wants to say Texas should’ve been prepared. How do you prepare for entire power grids to go down?

Thank you for listening to me vent and hopefully everyone comes out of this a little stronger and more compassionate. I’m ready for that warm west Texas sunshine.

To My Babes with Love

In honor of our wedding day, I wanted to share the first poem I ever wrote for Anthony. I remember asking him to read something I wrote and at the end he said “wow, who’s that about?” I was very coy about it and eventually managed to get out “well it’s about you.” He was so flattered and taken aback because I don’t think anyone had done something like that before for him. He asked if I could print it out for him with a picture of us next to it so he could keep it in the semi truck. It stayed taped to his sun visor until he eventually came to live with me. I don’t think I’ve ever titled it because well, I’m not good with that part. But without further ado, my first poem to Anthony.

I’ll meet you there. Half way between reality and fantasy. That place where you made my body sing to yours. That gap of time where it seemed as if the only thing that matter was our bodies melted and our souls intertwined resulting in nebulous cluster of stars. The outline of our souls created a road map to an alter we have built to each other. A map I will blindly follow because the path is already carved out in my heart.

COVID SUCKS

As of Saturday, 2/6, my community has been on lockdown due to multiple COVID cases. In less than two weeks, I have had five active cases, one associate and four residents. When I say that I’ve never experienced this level of work stress before, I’m being genuine. This coming from someone who’s worked through power outages, worked understaffed, worked through active shooters, broken up fist fights, and literally worked 18 hour shifts at a freaking hotel. On Sunday, I had an emotional breakdown from the level of mental exhaustion I had reached. Not from my hours worked, but from the level of seriousness and responsibility put on my shoulders in a matter of one day. One day was all it took for my property to go from zero COVID cases for an entire year, to three, which puts us in a full 14-day lockdown. No dining room meals (delivered only), no activities, no visitors, etc. No one comes out of their room unless its to go to the doctor or they scheduled time for them to do their laundry. Now that might not seem extremely tough for some of you, but having to tell someone they cant come out of their room because there is a risk that they could get sick and the mortality rate for their age group is above average. Then not only are they concerned for the people that are positive, but I cant legally tell them which of their friends are sick. I also get the privilege of telling individuals they may have been exposed and my receptionist gets to call family members and inform them we’re locking down. I’m sure you can imagine how that goes. Lastly, my coworker who is positive is in the hospital, literally fighting for her life. AND I had to go get tested because of exposure. I had this crazy tornado of sad, mad, concerned, and helplessness. It’s better now, but in the moment, I did not see a light at the end of the tunnel. My mind played worse case scenario and it really got the best of me.

The longer I work at Polo Park Estates, the more I realize that human beings are garbage. Day in and out, I watch residents slowly break down, physically and mentally because they are isolated. I dont just mean from COVID either. That is a big factor, but I see so many people who have family that puts them in here and forgets about them. So not only are they limited to what they can do within the community, they dont even have someone checking in on them regularly that isnt my staff. I know this is a hill I will die on, but your elderly family members do not deserve that. Last week I went up to help one of my residents with her TV. She thought some channels were missing and she kept hearing about Discovery+ on the commercial and she wanted to know how to get it. I’m sitting there with her and she’s telling me how she’s become so depressed and has terrible anxiety with this lockdown that she has started taking medication for it. She said she misses her friends and most days she cant even bring herself to get dressed. They are living in a world of fear and loneliness every day.

I know being on lockdown has been hard on everyone, but imagine if you aren’t young and technology savvy. If you don’t have a smart phone to facetime your family or watch Netflix or Hulu. What if the only way you could talk to those you loved was on a phone call and even then, you’d be lucky if that was more than a couple minutes? I have one resident who doesn’t have a phone. When she needs to call her son, she comes down to the front desk and uses our phone. This is also the resident who’s son tells her we don’t allow visitors so he doesn’t have to come up and visit. Is that not heartbreaking? This lady is feisty and at 96 she tells me she doesnt have an ache or pain and she tells me her son will get what’s coming to him for how he treats her. He spends her money while she sits here and slowly fades away.

Today, I lost my first resident. It’s so ironic because this was the one resident that I had a real life connection with because we were both OSU Alumni. I had sent out a letter during my first week here, just introducing myself, and that was one thing I made sure to mention; I got my degree at OSU. Mr. Beazley called me later that day to tell me he graduated from OSU after WWII back when it was Oklahoma A&M and he was glad to have another Aggie in the community. The first time I went to visit him, he went on and on about how much he loved living in the Oklahoma-Kansas region and how much he loved the sunflower fields. This man was so kind and friendly. He had a accident where he had fallen and scrapped his arm up pretty good so the old sales person here at the property had talked him into going to rehab (which she works for) to strengthen him up. He told the staff he didn’t really want to go or felt he needed to go, but she said it was best for him and now he’s dead. That is what we have to live with every day here and my heart is broken.

This is a lonely, heartbroken, and the forgotten generation of people. People who are taken advantage of and treated as expendable. We are the one’s here with them every day, spending the time loving on them and caring for them. Making sure they’re okay. Now, I know that there are families that don’t live here or can’t visit often, but this place isn’t a black hole. The doors are not one way. This isn’t a place to just drop off your loved ones because you don’t want to care for them anymore. Anyway, that’s my peace for the week. Stay safe, stay healthy, and go love on your people.

Processing Grief With Grace

I hope everyone has been hanging in there with this new year. I know things have been crazy with the election and COVID and a thousand other things, but I hope 2021 brings in a year of hope and new life no matter what area you need it in. I wanted to start todays post by giving everyone a bit of an update on my life. Since my miscarriage, I have been reading a book about learning to love again after the loss of a child. It hasn’t been easy. I’ve been trying to diminish my loss to help “get over it” because in my mind, and because I have friends that have lost children further along in pregnancy or even aged children, my eight week pregnancy wasnt so significant.

This section in the book was really an eye opener for me. Although I never felt my baby or saw my baby, I still loved my baby with the same love every mother has for their child. Unfortunately we live in a society where we either think no one understands how we feel or we think everyone should understand how we feel. I was the second one during this time. I wanted everyone to feel what I was feeling. I wanted them to understand my grief because that’s what it is. Grief. I was angry. I wanted my circle of people to feel the same level of emotions I had, but at the end of the day, no one will love you child the way you do.

It’s especially hard if you lose your baby early on in the pregnancy or you’re unable to have family there at the time of their passing. If your family doesn’t get to see them, hold them, etc., it’s hard for them to feel the loss personally. For example, although my mom and Anthony were sympathetic about my pain, neither of them had experienced a miscarriage before. Neither of them really had the words of comfort I needed. The real comfort I found was in my new boss and someone I’ve come to call a good friend. She’s had three miscarriages and in each one she’s gotten farther along than the previous on. I knew she would give me the time I needed to heal while also giving me the words of comfort I needed. My best friend Keli was also instrumental in this. She lost her daughter shortly after she was born. She had time with her daughter but she still mourns her loss every day.

Now, I know most people will never experience this first hand and it’s hard understanding how to care for those around you that do experience child loss, at any age, conception to adult children. You won’t understand the fog they are in or why they’re in it after months or even years. Some of the best advice I can give you is to be kind, patient, and most of all conscious of what you say. Dont be dismissive of their loss in anyway or down play it. Even if they have kids already or it was early on in the pregnancy, telling them to get over it or that they shouldn’t be upset anymore will do more damage and push them further away from you. I’ve read so many stories of families and been told myself “well at least it was early on before you got attached” or “it wasn’t meant to be” or “god must’ve known the baby wasn’t normal or sick so maybe it’s a blessing in disguise.” I read one story of a family that had three boys and were trying for their girl. After reach miscarriage, people would say “at least you have your boys” or “you already have three why do you need another one?” I myself have been guilty of this and not even out of maliciousness. We think we’re giving them rational thinking and helping out them at ease, but it takes away the value of the life of their lost child.

Truly and sincerely, even if you think it’s not a big deal to you, I can promise it is a big deal to every person or couple out there who have experienced child loss. That goes for those women who are trying to conceive as well. They aren’t thrilled to be enjoying a care free life. They aren’t enjoying month after month of negative pregnancy tests. They don’t enjoy the silence of their house.

I know you can’t always tell when someone is struggling with something and I know we aren’t always conscious of other peoples grief. But when we can be, be kind and show compassion. I’ve been so thankful for all the people who reached out and gave myself and Anthony validation for how we were feeling. I appreciate you all and know my inbox is always open for anyone that needs support.

More Unsolicited Relationship Advice

Recently, I’ve been spending a lot of time, well both of us really, reading and researching couples building and strengthening our relationship as much as possible. Sometimes I think it’s overkill because it seems like we’re both always seeking out tools and books and studies to help us understand each other. It started with Love and Respect and has now grown to things like The 5 Love Languages, Praying for Him/Her, and several Bible studies about growing your relationship/marriage in the way God intended it. If you meet me and Anthony, we seem like a pretty happy couple, which we are, but we’ve both been in relationships where it was pretty happy on the outside but really unhappy on the inside. We want to make sure our inside is more genuinely happy than the outside because at the end of the day, it is only you and your spouse and the outside world doesn’t matter. If the outside world does matter, then you need to reevaluate your relationship. That’s not to say that outside forces don’t influence your relationship because they do. In-laws, friends, jobs, money, kids, etc., all can influence your relationship, but when you go to bed at night, those things are there (except maybe the kids).

I’ll be honest, in my first marriage, my in-laws influenced my relationship a lot. I never really felt accepted into their family except by a couple of my sister in-laws and even that took a lot of time and effort. I would literally have terrible anxiety about going to visit them because I felt like they didn’t like me and they blamed me for us moving to Texas. I think this really affected my ex husband a lot because everyone wants their family to like the person they’re with. I don’t know for sure, but I feel like my divorce probably was almost good news to them. Because my parents really reached out and wanted to know how they could help and if they could offer support that would help my ex husband and I work through our issues, but nothing like that came from the other side, at least not to me. However that is just my opinion. I could be off base. It does happen. This has also moved into my new relationship. I’ve always worried about what my future in-laws think about me and if they genuinely like me because I know I can come off as distant or stand offish but that’s just me as a person. Especially since they really loved the previous ex girlfriend and I am 100% not like her. I think Anthony has the same issue with my family because really loved my ex husband and they aren’t similar either.

I think for Anthony and I, we both knew we were coming into this relationship with some baggage and we wanted to combat that as much as possible. Not pretend that it wasn’t there, but be able to handle it and heal in a healthy way. Believe me, the honeymoon bubble is fun, but eventually you have to come back to the real world where people do have kids and there are bills to pay and exes to deal with. I also think with both of us getting back into our faith and Anthony going to seminary school, we wanted to be equipped to handle the speed bumps in a way where we honored God and our relationship. We’ve both tried to do things our way and every other way, but even in the short time it’s taken us to work through Love and Respect our relationship has become so much more laid back. We still have our tiffs, most of which I’m gonna blame on Anthony (just kidding), but we’re not having blow up fights like we used to. We save those for every few months and even those last less than a day. In reality, the time we do have disputes is when one of us says something and the other person takes it the wrong way or misinterprets what was said. It goes both ways because men and women definitely don’t hear and see things the same. When I ask Anthony his opinion on something and he says “I don’t care, whatever you want” (everyone women’s favorite phrase) I tend to take that as hurtful because I wouldn’t ask him if I didnt value his opinion. In reality, he just wants me to pick whatever I want because it’ll make me happy and most of the time he really doesn’t have an opinion so he doesnt want to pick or say the wrong thing. I’ve come to the very real understanding that men just don’t care about the same things women care about and that’s legit, okay. He’s learned I’m not gonna get excited about tools and I’ve learned he’s not going to get excited about the make up I buy.

Much like if you have a relationship with God, you can’t have doors in your relationship that are “off limits.” You have to be able to talk about things. Things in the past, present, and future. I know that’s hard for a lot of people, and it took me and Anthony some work to get to that place with each other. Anthony is a very self sufficient person and by that I mean, he’s really just taken care of his own problems his whole life. He’s very resilient and has never really relied on anyone for help because when he has, they’ve let him down. So you can imagine, for someone like me who wants to help and nurture and fix things, meeting someone who doesnt open up, has been the test of a lifetime. Patience has been the name of the game. However, the time I put in to earn his trust was worth every second. I’ve very privileged that he does open up to me about things, and much like the “I don’t care” from him, he’s had to learn that when he opens up to me, I give him advice on how to fix and it’s not meant in a way to belittle the issues he’s having.

I’m not an expert on relationships, not even close. I’m not saying you need to have God in your life to have a good relationship, because some people are happy and together for years without God. That’s just what has impacted my relationship in a really amazing way. If you can be aware of yourself and your short comings and how to fix them for the betterment of your relationship, you’re already half way to the smoothish sailing. I will preach that till the day I die. You cannot be with another person if you think you’re perfect or if think you can make someone else accept your baggage without any question and then the piles of luggage can just hangout in your living room for the rest of the relationship. You have to unpack it with your spouse and let them see the real you, scars and all.

Follow Up: Sexual Intimacy

This week, as I’ve been pondering over my previous post about sexual intimacy in relationships, I released a very important point that I failed to mention. While sexual release is very important health wise for men, this does not mean the woman has to just lay there and let him do his thing. I was thinking about it in my head and was like “Katie you sound like the women shouldnt get anything out of the actual act of sex” and believe me that is not my view at all. My main point was that sex is very different for men and women and they get different things out of it. Believe me, I know that sex is a process for women. Unfortunately, God did not create us with 0 to 60 in 5 seconds arousal like men. For those of you who don’t know, women need more than a few strokes to get them to the peak of climax. It’s a journey and I know sometimes men don’t really want to take the time for that. However, men (and women) and I would highly advise you to have a realistic talk to your partner about what works for them and what certainly does not. Sex should be enjoyable for both participants. I’ve found a lot of the time, old habits die hard and a lot of men 1. dont realize not all women/vaginas are the same, and 2. they were never really properly taught because no one ever took the time.

Now I’m not saying every man is incompetent in the realm of women’s sexual pleasure, but the ones I’ve met that are have taken the time to ask their partners what they want and actually listen. I would not presume to write exactly what to do that would make your woman happy because again, every women is different and enjoys different things. Sex is important for both parties and both people should enjoy it. I’ve been in relationships where I dreaded having sex because it was all about what made my partner feel good and never really about what made me feel good. I had a boyfriend that was really good at foreplay but when we got to actual intercourse it was 2 minutes of “jackhammering” me while he poured sweat like he had just run a marathon and then it ended with him giving up and not being able to ejaculate. Now is that entirely his fault? Yes and no, but as a grown man he would ask me “did you cum?” and to this day, I wonder if he just thought that’s what it was supposed to take? Maybe he had a girlfriend that enjoyed that, I dont know, but not once did he ask me if I liked it. I’m sorry if you’re a man reading this and starting to question if you’re good in bed, because that is definitely not my end game with this post.

My end game is to open the line of communication between partners. Because in your life, fulfillment comes when you and your partner are on the same page. When you feel safe and comfortable enough to come to your partner and say “hey that doesnt feel good for me” or “hey can we try this.” Disclaimer: you don’t have to try everything your partner suggests because I know there are instances where some partners take advantage of their partners openness, but if you partner gives suggestions on how to pleasure them better, men and women, hear them out. Do it with a loving tone and not a “your an incompetent moron” tone. And from the other side, do not take it personal. You cannot ask for open communication and then be hurt when they are open about it. That’s for everything, not just sex. If you want open communication and want your partner to be able to come to you with anything, you need to practice being receptive to what they’re communicating.

One example Love and Respect gives is husbands struggling with pornography. Wives want their husbands to have eyes only for them, but pornography is a real problem in a lot of relationships and, in my opinion, a lot of men don’t come forward and ask for help because they are 1. ashamed, and 2. afraid of how their wives are going to react. So instead of asking for help and support they hide their addiction until it ruins their marriage. As a woman, I understand how harsh we can be as a sex. It’s the same reason your husband usually doesnt ask for help with things because we tend to have a “I told you so” or “I’m always right” mentality. Keep that in mind when your husband comes to you to talk or asks you for something because if you are harsh or scold him like a child, he’ll shut down and then you wont get anything out of him. That’s my soap box for the night. Communication and openness.

More Amateur Writing

Since I’ve been trying to put myself out there more, I figured I’d share another piece I started writing over a year ago. I’m not super thrilled with the beginning, but it’s a work in progress. Also, untitled. That’s one thing I struggle with is titles. But any who, without further ado, one of the first pieces I ever wrote about baby mama drama.

To the girl that kicked my man to the curb like a expired coupon she could no longer cash in:

Literally she could no longer cash in on him. The ATM read “insufficient funds” so instead of waiting for your investment to be returned, you closed your account and thought maybe you could receive a stimulus you didnt earn. Like maybe after the account was closed, you’re debit card might still work.

You are what I would noramlly call a lost soul, but I’ve had my experience with lost souls and you are not one of them. They are at least redeemable. If anything you are a originator of the emptiness to those in your life but you think you are the healer to bring the end to their pain so you squeeze harder and harder thinking you’re stopping the bleeding.

In reality you are suffocating them. Ok second thought let’s say you got burned by his blazing free spirit and there was a chance you could justify the wickedness that poured from your mouth. However, you seemed to like the sear your skin made against his fire because you’ve never felt genuine warmth before so you refused to pull away. You poked and prodded hoping to burn him down faster and you didn’t care if you went down in flames too. I would compare your mouth to gasoline but it’s more like a blow torch you’ve permanently ignited and you can’t quite figure out how to turn it off so you’ve go around setting people on fire because you think if they are turned to ash they’ll finally be at your eye line. Then you would no longer need to drag other’s to your level.

Raise Your Words, Not Your Voice

For anyone that hasnt heard yet, my boyfriend has started a blog. Not sure how that’s gonna turn out, but I think it will be great. Last night he was asking me why I don’t have more of my poetry on my blog and if I had written anything recently. Welllllllll…….. the answer is no I haven’t written anything recently and I’m very self conscious about my writing. I’ve found that my writing is how I process my emotions and recently I haven’t felt the need or want to process anything, which isn’t always the healthiest approach. My poetry tends to be spontaneous and extremely emotional based so I’m never quiet sure if it’s actually good. Sometimes it’s to process my depression or my anxiety. Sometimes it’s to convey passion or love. I’m also very particular with my words. I have this deeply spiritual connection with words. So like lyrics of a song hit me more than the music itself. Honestly, its one of the ways I feel closet to God. I feel like it’s one of the ways I hear him the clearest.

I think I worry Anthony a bit when we’re in church because during worship I feel this incredibly rush of emotions and the music speaks to me so I usually end up crying. I always feel like his protective instinct kicks in and he tries to check on me, but in reality that’s my happy place. Listening to words being weaved together to express how I feel in my soul and it being so powerful that the only appropriate response for me is tears. In that limbo where you feel God’s presence and warmth and it’s like everything in your outside life doesn’t matter anymore or whatever you are feeling is validated and God hears you. For example, we went to Christmas Eve service and I was 2 days into hearing I was miscarrying and I still hadnt passed any of the miscarriage so I was in this weird in between grief stage. I wasnt feeling good physically and I was being so short with everyone, but I put on my church clothes and went anyway. We were singing this song called “God With Us” by Jesus Culture and the lyrics of the song say:

Where there was death, You brought life, Lord
Where there was fear, You brought courage
When I was afraid, You were with me
And You lifted me up, and You lifted me up

So here I am trying to hold the weight of the world on my shoulders back and we hit this part of the song and I felt God tell me it was okay to let it go. That it was okay to be scared and hurt and angry because over all of that, he had me. I probably looked like a lunatic to my step daughter because I just started bawling and letting those words become my mantra. I wish I could say I was healed in that instance, but I think it was the first time I came to God with my hurt and my pain. For someone that loves words, I really have a hard time vocalizing how I feel and I don’t think it’s because I don’t have the words, but more because I’m very intentional with my words and if I verbalize how I feel then there’s no taking it back. It’s out there and I have to deal with it. So in hopes of helping to further heal from my miscarriage a bit, I figured I’d try and write something. It’s literally off the cusp so it’s not my best and it’s untitled, but here goes nothing.

The day I lost you I was asked “When are you gonna have kids?”

I smiled through the pain and said “Maybe some day.”

I spent my day mentally burying you while carrying on with my work.

Continually pretending I was put together, but I was really held together by a single thread that was begging to be tugged at by anyone who asked if I was okay.

Every ache and pain was a harsh reminder that my body had failed you and that I would not be meeting you in August.

I would spend my summer distracting myself to keep from pretending you’d still be on your way.

I never felt you move or saw your face, but in the short time span I had you, you were mine.

I saw the future of your life play out and prayed you would have your dads courage and my love for people.

With bright blue eyes and sandy blonde hair and smile that was electric.

I never found out what you were, but my heart tells me you would’ve been a boy.

A Leo with a heart of gold that was fearless and too competitive for his own good.

It took less than thirty seconds for you to disappear from my world and all the dreams turn to ash.

The ash was okay because I wanted to watch the world burn so it was welcomed company.

Thankfully, your dad made sure I didnt stay there long and with some help from my closest friends, I came to terms with the fact that God gets to know you first.

I know you’re up there with all the babies our family has lost to show you the ropes and all four of your great grandparents to spoil you.

I don’t know if you grow up in heaven, but if you do, I couldn’t think of a better place to do it.

Surrounded by love and the best lullabies you can think of, sung by the angels.