For those of you that don’t know, Anthony and I, along with our church and community, lost a great friend last Thursday. The executive pastor at Crossroads Church, Kenny Comstock and his wife Melissa, were killed in a car accident. For the last few days we’ve all been trying to wrap our brains around this because everyone else involved, including their three children, survived. When I say that I was rocked by hearing this, it’s not an exaggeration. My best friend had gotten word before this even started to make its way through the church community so she text me and I remember praying “God don’t let this be true, please let this be a mistake.” I started internet searching for anything I could find. Any sort of accident report hoping maybe they were just critically injured. Nothing. I couldn’t find anything. My next course of action was deciding how to tell Anthony because this was a man that he cared for dearly. Kenny had been mentoring Anthony on pursuing seminary and I think Kenny was the first man that had actually reached Anthony on a spiritual level. He was someone Anthony had actually been honest with and he didn’t hide anything from. I think Kenny was someone that saw the real Anthony and accepted and loved him without any hesitation. So to deliver the news to him that Kenny was no longer with us was the most heart breaking and gut wrenching thing I’ve done in a long time.

Fast forward to Sunday morning. We were well aware that this was not going to be an easy day. I had to meet with the other children’s ministry leaders, like we do every Sunday, before church started and you could feel the heaviness in the air. We went through our usual housekeeping issues and the Sean moved on to the harder topic. He said for the last couple of days he had struggled to find the words to speak to us, but he and his wife and decided that Kenny had the best words for us. They showed us a clip from one of Kenny’s sermons and Kenny was talking about how the question is not “why is God allowing this tragedy to happen?” The question we need to ask is “will you still believe in God even when you don’t understand him?” Then we go to service and Jeremiah, the lead pastor, talks about how when he was laying face down, crying out to God over this tragedy, all God said to him was “Jeremiah, will you still believe what you preach?” I’m not gonna lie, my emotions have been all over the place on this. I’ve been angry, sad, apathetic, heartbroken, and comforted. I had my moments of “God why did you do this to us, to their children, to our church, etc.,?” I’m thinking to myself, “the God I know is all good, so why did something so bad happen?” That’s our natural instinct isn’t it? We want someone/something to blame and when we don’t have someone God is the first one we blame. “God did this. God wants to hurt us. God is evil.”

Believe me this isn’t a soapbox to preach to anyone about how God is this big benevolent grandpa in the sky because I can tell you from reading the Bible that God is not benevolent. However, I do believe that God is not evil. He may not be benevolent but he’s not malevolent either. I believe he is just and I feel like evil in our world is man made. Unfortunately, sometimes that means that we suffer the consequences of others actions. Even the most innocent in our world suffer because of someone else’s choices. Disease, death, war, violence, etc., are all results of our choices as human beings. Human beings chose to turn against God and for every action there is an equal opposite reaction. Now the complicated part comes in that a lot of people like to question during times like this. “Why do bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people?” Why did Kenny and Melissa die, but the guy that crossed over the median get to live? Why did my grandmother, who was one of the most faithful women I know, get ALS and die a slow agonizing death? Why didn’t God save all those people in 9/11? Where was God during all those terrible things? These are the questions we ask when we feel like we cant see or feel God in our world. And if you dont have any type of faith or a secure faith, those questions are overwhelming and easily become permanent dark marks on your heart. As human beings we dont handle uncertainty well. We like like concrete and factual. We may never understand the why and I’ve learned to come to terms with that. One thing I’ve learned to hold fast to, is even though we may not understand, even though we may not feel God or see his hand, he never forsakes us.

So after that intensely emotional weekend, I started the piece below and finally worked it out to where I like it for now. I don’t quite have a title yet, but I usually come up with the title several weeks after I’ve actually written a piece. Believe me, this blog post was not a ploy to convert anyone, but more of a way for me to explain my grief and my healing process. Please know that I love you all and that I’m always here if any of you need anything.

Its easy to question your existence when the sun is no longer illuminating my world. I am quick to jerk back my hand of faith when the darkness becomes a down hill slide because for some reason I think I can stop the slide myself. Why is it, when I need to hold your hand the most, my first instinct is to recoil and let the emptiness consume me? I’ve learned to live so comfortably in the cold of grief and loneliness that I would rather close my eyes to the light at the top of the tunnel than begin the uphill climb towards it. I search for answers in the dark, on my knees, fumbling around as if I will magically stumble upon it like lost keys that maybe open a secret door underneath all of this pain. But the one door is already open, no key needed. The sentence as already been served so why am I still sitting in the dark asking “God, where are you?” or “Why is this happening to me?” when I am the one that let go in the first place. God does not move. He is constant and central. I am inconsistent. I am free to move towards him or pretentiously pretend that I am stuck and God has abandoned me. Free will seems to only fit my narrative when things are going well, but God forbid I lose my footing based on where I chose to step because then is it no longer my actions that caused my misfortunes. I scramble to grab on to anything around me instead of trusting in the grip of God’s hand. The Bible mentions again and again how I cannot be snatched from God’s hand, but time and time again, I choose to leave it. I am flawed and maybe one day I will begin to learn from my mistakes and stop looking for a more secure place to stay when I cant see where we are going.

A few weeks ago, I decided I really need to get back into reading because it really is so important and provides so much more stimulation than my phone does. Quite frankly, its something I love. My mom was a teacher so you can imagine our home growing up. The phrase “Go read a book,” was constantly going around our house. Barnes and Noble was like freaking crack to us. It was to the point where Daniel and I didnt want to read whatever book they assigned us in school because we were so deep in some other book that was leagues above whatever the school was going to provide us. I remember in 7th grade I was so bored with reading the Outsiders. So bored. Not because it’s not a good story, it’s alright, but because it was too easy. Believe me, I’m not tooting my own horn like I’m Miss Smarty Pants or anything like that. I’m just trying to establish the basis for my love for reading. Anyway, in 7th grade, I was reading Dean Koontz’s Frankenstein series and I was obsessed. I couldnt put it down. Now imagine you’re a 7th grade English teacher and you already have to deal with a bunch of kids (which lets be real tweens are the worst) and you have a student falling behind. Not because she cant do the work, but because she’s bored and doesnt want to do it. Can you imagine that conversation with my mother? By the way, this is a convo my mom has had with several of Daniels teachers as well. Daniel would have rather written his plays or sketched or read a book than participated in actual class work. Why would I want to read something at a 7th grade reading level, when I’m reading and comprehending at a college level?

Fast forward, I’m sitting in our office, staring at the book shelf, and The Shack is something I’ve been wanting to read for years, because it’s supposed to be this life changing work of literature. I pick it up thinking I’ll probably read a couple chapters then put it down somewhere to collect dust forever. Jokes on me, I couldnt put it down. It’s only about 270 pages and it reads like a dream. The words flow and have this beautiful artistic way about them and it’s not even overly complicated. It’s about a 6th grade reading level.

Without giving away too much, I want to give a little summary of this book. It’s about this man, Mack, and his journey to inner peace and connection with God. He and his family lose their youngest daughter to a kidnapping on a family camping trip and its horrific (to be honest, I cried through this whole section of the book) and as I’m sure many of you can imagine it takes an emotional chunk out of their family unit, especially Mack. Fast forward a little bit, Mack gets a note in his mailbox from “Papa”, which is what his wife calls God, asking him to come to the shack, the last place there was evidence of his daughter being before the trail goes cold. So Mack, in skepticism, makes the long ass drive to the middle of the woods, in winter, to see if this is legit and it turns out it is legit. He spends two days with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. Now that’s about as much as I’m going to go into because if I start going down the rabbit hole, you’ll either not read it or this blog will be a mile long.

Now as you can expect, Mack has a lot of questions for Papa (God). Questions about life, about his daughter, about creation, about our relationship with God, etc., etc. Things any person would ask. I’m working through this book thinking “wow, these are good questions”, and surprisingly the author is convincing me that the answers are real. Believe me, I dont put much stock into man’s interpretation of God and I even have my own skepticism on the Bible because human beings are manipulative, selfish, controlling, etc. Also, I fully believe that God is outside the realm of our human level of comprehension that even our best interpretations dont even come close to who he truly is. For some reason, this book puts God into terms that make him real. I don’t mean that in the way that he wast real before, but this puts answers on a page that we didn’t have answers to before. Again, not that I believe this is directly from the horses mouth, but damn. It’s that good.

Even if you’re not a believer, I would highly recommend reading this book. Maybe it will answer some questions you have. Maybe it’ll peak your interests. Or maybe it’ll just be an interesting work of fiction for you that you can say you read, but got nothing out of. I dont know, but what I do know is this story stirred something in my heart and I wanted more. I cant say enough good things about it. So if you need something to read that isn’t going to take you a month to read or isn’t going to strain your brain with big words (it might strain it with the concepts of spirituality), read The Shack. I will gladly loan it to anyone that wants it. Once I force Anthony to read it.

With it being the 19th anniversary of 9/11, I’ve had a lot of mixed emotions today. Some sad, some anger, some hurt. So often in life, we move on and things like the World Trade Center attacks get pushed to the back of our mind. Not that we shouldn’t move on with our lives, but we tend to forget, not just 9/11, but all the things our country has been through. This morning, as I’m watching the Fox News replay of the news coverage from New York that day, I couldn’t help but be angry with my fellow country men. How ignorant and hateful we’ve become with each other. How combative and divisive we are because someone is different than us. We can’t even have a civil debate among each other because we believe there is a hard right or hard wrong and both sides think they are right. Like holy shit. I’m literally watching people jump from 100+stories up to their deaths and all this country can talk about is how the president banned TikTok or that Pelosi isnt wearing a mask or how COVID is fake/real. They are burning cities to the ground as if that is their god given right, but they’ve never watched true destruction at the hands of our real enemies.

We are raising a generation that did not witness that catastrophic event first hand. Kids that did not watch their world change instantly as planes tore through buildings as if they were made of tissue. Sure they read about it in their history classes now, but how many parents have actually sat down with their kids and talked to them about what happened and showed them what happened? Explained to them that we spent years engaged in a war and that thousands of people died not only that day, but in the years to come because they chose to serve their country in that deadly, demolished building and overseas. Explained to them the fear we lived in as a country because up to this point, we hadnt seen anything like this. Oklahoma City’s bombings didnt even compare to 9/11’s death count. Granted it was a smaller attack, not in significance, but in number. We cant let something like this become a page in a book that our future generations just learn about and hope they realize the significance of it. Just like the Holocaust, the Great Depression, Bloody Sunday, and the Civil War. These cant just be a blip on the radar in our world. These were earthquakes that shattered the world and laid the base for new beginnings. So why do we act as if they don’t affect us now?

On 9/11, there was no longer this divide in our country, for the most part, and we were becoming Americans first, and everything else was an after thought. If we can do that in the midst of utter terror and destruction, why is it so hard for us to do it now? I was raised with a strong root in learning history, especially American history and let me tell you, our country has been through some shit. Sometimes at the hands of domestic violence and sometimes at foreign violence. War, genocide, racism, violence, exploitation, etc., and I can confidentially say that the things happening in our country right now, pale in comparison. And you wanna know why? Because our ancestors made sure we knew about the trials they endured. They made sure they told their children and grandchildren what the world was like so that they would learn and choose to make the world a better place. Most of the time. We dont get to pick and choose our history, but we do get to choose our future. As cliche as it is, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” If you as parents and grandparents are lacking in that area, educate yourselves. Talk to your elders, read a book, freaking google it, but make sure to check your sources. We are in a world where we have the knowledge of the universe at our finger tips so use it for more than Facebook or TikTok.

So as we take time today to remember our fellow Americans, almost 3000 in total, who lost their lives on that day, sit in reflection on your life and what you are doing to preserve our history and further our country. Take time to imagine the courage of the men and women who ran towards, not away, from the towers on that day, and try to personify that in your life and honor their sacrifice. Lastly, take time to appreciate the liberties we are afforded in this country because of our men and women who sacrifice their lives to defend our country because we may be the land of the free, but freedom always comes with a price and that is a price majority of us arent willing to pay.

In closing, some words from one of our greatest leaders:

We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battle-field, and patriot grave, to every living heart and hearthstone, all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature. – Abraham Lincoln

On Sunday 8/23, Anthony and I decided to take a week off of Facebook. Well it was more of a bet. We were talking about how people use technology to replace actual human interactions and obtain the instant gratification it gives us and he said “could you give up Facebook for a week?” I said “ya I could, no problem.” He laughed at me and said we’d do it together for a week just to see how our lives improved. The only stipulations were we got to keep one “time waster” app. He picked Golf Clash, and I picked Imgur because I need my memes. This will be a progressive blog post that’ll write as the week goes on so I can keep up on how I’m feeling.

Day 1: I feel a little bit lost. I wanted to show everyone my outfit for the day or how on point my eyebrows were but I can’t. First World Problems. At the end of the day, who really cares? I dont think anyone seeing my selfie is going to have a life altering experience. Even from early on, I found myself grabbing my phone over and over again to check Facebook. Just subconsciously, not even for a good reason. I’d have a couple seconds free at my desk and instantly go to click on that blue F and remember “oh ya, I dont have it.” Then I’d actually have to go back to doing work. LAME. Even now, I’m thinking about how I’m gonna go to the gym later and I have to work out without telling anyone. Womp womp. I’m already exposing how much I care about what other people think about me or how I want people to tell me how awesome I am or how funny I am. Now I’m relying on the people who are active in my life, which I think is pretty eye opening in itself.

I didnt really keep up with the daily input. Life gets hectic to say the least. So throughout the rest of the week, I found that Imgur quickly became my new Facebook. Not that there’s much socializing on there, but just for the sheer time filler it gave me. I’ve conditioned myself so well that I need to be doing something on my phone almost constantly. Any moment there’s a dip in my attention I am immediately reaching for my phone. Even when I’m at home with Anthony, I found myself just scrolling through Imgur as a fidget almost. In situations where I felt nervous or uncomfortable, my phone was my first go to. I really didnt like that. I think it’s partially my anxiety too because I do find myself very socially awkward and my phone is a way for me to not be standing there like a weirdo. But I’m working on it. I want to be more present and more aware of things.

I also found myself trying to find outlets for things I wanted to share with the world. For example, our society is in shambles right now. Cities are burning, people are dying, and businesses are being destroyed. I wanted to get on Facebook and share my opinion and see how others were feelings. Instead I was forced to have real conversations with people. Conversations about race and injustices in our country right now. Not impersonal comments on someone’s post, not a hashtag with someone’s name we’ll forget in a week. Not masking indifference as debates on a keyboard to belittle someone who didn’t agree with me. Real, honest, tough conversations, which is something I think our society has lost. We see someone’s post and assume things, but we never stop to ask them anything or discuss things with them. As if we’re content to keep the world, even our personal world, at an arms length because it’s easier than having to be authentic. We hide behind our keyboards and think the internet is a safe haven from the repercussions of our words. We’re immediately turned off to someone’s views because they may contradict ours. People have been existing with differences for hundreds of thousands of years and we think we’re the first to have disagreements so therefore we shouldn’t allow others to coexist with us if they disagree. Literally from the dawn of time there have been conflicting sides, yet we’re still here. The human race clearly didn’t die off because someone didnt agree with someone else. You can be a decent human being without agreeing on everything. You can have conversations without thinking that every person who sees it differently is your enemy.

With that being said, Facebook is back on my phone, but it’s not a primary app on my phone. I have to go search for it. Today was the first day and I can say I’ve been on Facebook a total of 27 minutes today. I think the one thing I missed the most was the Memories section Facebook does for you because I get to remember things and see people that arent in my life physically anymore. But other than that, the people I need/want in my life, were in my life without Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat. Social media is an easy way to make us lazy in our relationships. We see it every day. Go eat at a restaurant. See the couples not talking to each other, at least not in depth talking. Kids on tablets, while parents are buried into their own bubble. We tag each other in funny pictures or share the latest gossip, but we dont actually ever check on each other. They call it “social” media, but in the end it causes us to do the exact opposite. We plaster our “lives” on these platforms because we want the world to see us happy, to see what we want them to see. It gives us the opportunity to control the narrative without actually putting ourselves out there.

Anywho, that’s my rant for this week. Be real, talk to people, and put your damn phone down for a few hours and actually enjoy life. Read a book for goodness sakes. Books are still around ya know. Go for a walk. Something to break the shell your phone keeps you in.

I’ve really struggled with how quiet my home is without AJ. No more pitter patter of little feet. No more obnoxiously loud singing of the ABCS. No more giggling over blocks and shapes. I’m good at being alone, it’s something I’m used to, but it’s different now.

It’s crazy to think that drug use and neglect arent causes for a second look at someone’s court case. That our argument was dismissed because she produced crocodile tears. Not only was our argument dismissed, it wasnt even looked at. The judges exact words. He didnt even read it. As someone that’s studied CPS protocol and has friends in Social Work, I’ve spent days trying to wrap my mind around this. Not only did we have to return AJ to his mother, which might be reasonable, Anthony was only granted supervised visits until the parenting plan is signed, and no one was drug tested because there was no physical proof of it.

Now I know judges don’t have to order drug tests based on allegations, but wouldn’t you rather be safe than risk a child’s safety? And as a parent if someone accused you of drug use and you weren’t using, wouldn’t you want to prove it? I mean, maybe that’s the person I am, but if someone said “you’re on drugs and we’re gonna take your child away, your job away, etc.,” I would say test me right now. Let me prove it to you. That hasn’t happened either.

I’m not really sure where we go from here. I want to fight for his safety, even if that’s not with us. But when the deck seems so stacked against you, how do you continue to fight? How do we continue on this path when we’re vilified for trying to keep our child safe? What if it gets worse and we lose him all together? I dont have answers and it sucks. SO if anyone out there is a lawyer and would provide free family law advice that would be awesome. But mostly, just keep us in your prayers and positive thoughts. We’re hurting. Hurting really bad.

Who knows, maybe she’s not on drugs. Maybe she’s just a crazy bitch all the time. I dont know. But what I do know, is AJ was academically neglected, fed junk food most of the time, had a foul mouth with the little vocab he had, and ignored most of the time and babysat by a tablet. That’s not my opinion either. That’s the truth.

The first couple of days after we were told we had to take him back, it was chaos and heartbreak. Now it’s just…quiet.

So content warning: mom probably don’t read this one or do if you want to. This topic has been stirring in my brain for a bit and I figured it was time to put it on “paper.” I’m not gonna name any names, but I scroll through Facebook and I see all these happy little families and relationships and I can’t help but think about all the times the man in the relationship was messaging inappropriately with me. Now I’m not talking about them hitting on me or flirting. I’m talking full on sexually explicit conversations while they’re in a committed relationship.

Ya ya ya shame on me blah blah blah. I don’t need any boos from the peanut gallery. I never said I was proud of it, but their relationship was their own business. I can’t make anyone stay faithful anymore than I can make them not be. Now this isn’t an “all men are trash” blog by any means because there are good men out there. I’ve just never been able to fully wrap my head around what makes these men be unfaithful to their partner. And I’m gonna say unfaithful because that is what it is to me. Even if it’s just talking, which it was, if you can’t openly tell your spouse about it then it’s being unfaithful.

Now some of them were in terrible marriages and that’s not an excuse by any means, but a lot of them were “happy.” One went out of his way to tell me he was going through a divorce, which according to Instagram, is not true based off of all the happy photos of them together. One of them actually just had a baby so there clearly wasn’t a lack of sex there. What am I missing? I mean not to toot my own horn, but I’m not that drop dead gorgeous to make someone be unfaithful to their partner. I mean I guess I could just be a means to jerk off, but still there are impersonal ways to do that. Messaging another girl is very personal. Calling them “babe” and talking shit about your wife is very personal. Believe me for a long time I was the “guys and girls can be friends” type person and I learned my lesson the hard way. There is always, well almost always, underlying feelings on one side and if there’s not, there are always jealousy issues either from the partner or the friend or both because biologically men and women are going to be sexually attracted to each other. That’s nature. I can understand this to a point because I am also the type of person that doesn’t want another female coming to my man for things or him going to her for things. That is what girlfriends are for on both sides. You go cry to your girlfriends and let my man come to me with his issues. You have relationship issues? GO TALK TO YOUR PARTNER ABOUT THEM! Because when you open the door to someone of the opposite sex and let them know you’re having relationship problems, you open yourself up to compromise. Only exception is the gays. That is a whole other category of rules and what not that I am not even going to get into.

It’s flattering in the beginning but after a while you honestly just wondering how much of a piece of shit this person is to continuously seek out other forms of companionship. I say seek out because I was always sought out. It always starts with some sincere message about missing you and checking on you and then the complaining about their spouse starts. Next is the “I wish she was understanding like you” or some variation of that. Makes you feel good inside. Powerful feeling for me personally, which in the big picture is terrible because most of the times these wives or girlfriends dont do anything wrong. There isnt a reason I should feel like I’m better than them, but that was like the high I got from it. Now it’s mostly just wanting to make them look bad, but what good does that do anyone? And at the end of the day, there a lot of them still out there. That’s a lot of hearts to break and a lot of families to mess up and I’m not really about that.

But let me tell ya fellas, I’m just as much of a crazy bitch wife as the next lady. I nag and snap like the rest of them. No one is this picture perfect woman who never complains, wants to have sex constantly, looks put together 24/7, and agrees with everything you say. Truly, she doesn’t exist. So when you’re bored or angry in your relationship, you need to look at your partner and look at yourself. No momentary fun is worth years of y’all being together. If any of you men read this that I did have interactions with, I hope you feel a twinge of guilt and this scares you enough to never make the same mistake again, because I’m hoping that’s what it was. A mistake. I know a lot of the time men think with their dick, but you can focus that energy into your partner. Make them feel loved and respected and honored. Men and women. At the end of the day, if you’re not happy tell your partner and either try to work it out or don’t be together. A lot of your issues can be fixed just by being open and honest with yourself and your partner.

Now I’m gonna start by saying this is just from my personal experiences as both a worker and an employer. It is not applicable to everyone, but I’m gonna make some wide generalizations. I don’t know if technology is to blame or lazy parenting or a broken system is to blame, but I am so sick of dealing with people that don’t work hard. It truly astounds me. I watched my mom and dad work their asses off to provide for us and I was raised with the mentality that half assing something was not an option. Even if you were gonna dig ditches, you were gonna be the best ditch digger around. That is an actual metaphor in our family. I mean even if you look back at our grandparents and great grandparents generations, there was no such thing as unemployment. If your husband wasn’t working it was the talk of the town. It was embarrassing. Yet somewhere along the way, our society has seemed to lose this drive. This need to provide, to create, to be prosperous. There’s a clip from The Newsroom where Jeff Daniels character is talking about how America isnt the greatest country anymore and I absolutely love this clip. He talks about how we used to want to be the best, we took care of each other, we inspired intelligence, we were informed, and we held ourselves to a high moral standard. We were producing the best and brightest the world had to see. So what the fuck happened?

Now I completely understand that every situation is unique and some people cant find a job, but this COVID-19 bullshit has really shown a lot of peoples true colors. It has shown that there is no value in a hard earned dollar. People have gotten lazy and apathetic. Almost every single person we’ve brought back from furlough would rather double dip and get 60% of their earnings and work part time than hustle and earn 100% of their pay. It baffles me because here I am, working 50-60 hours a week for 10% less money, and these people just dont give a fuck. Maybe it’s just something inside me, but I would be so bored sitting home and 60% of jack shit aint enough to pay my bills. Sure, the extra $600 in disaster pay would help, but this isn’t going to last forever. Some day you will need a job and your old one won’t be waiting for you to decide you’re ready to work.

Outside of the Rona’, in the last 3 years, I’ve managed to obtain maybe four amazing employees at the front desk, out of probably fifty. For anyone that loves math, that’s 8% and that is not even factoring the housekeeping staff I’ve done through and I can tell you only one of them is still here in three years. I have seen a vast variety of lazy ass and dumb ass, more than anyone should have to deal with. And why do we have such a high turn around, because everyone thinks that they deserve to sit around and make money. As if they earned that right. As if they are content with mediocrity. They act as if they did you a favor by working for you. The crazy part is you can help them, teach them, put time into them, but they don’t care because it’s just a paycheck to them. There is no pride in their work. At the end of the day they have no need or desire to say “I gave my best effort.”And this isnt even an overly hard job. It does take a lot of thinking and customer service skills, but it’s not like you have to perform calculus.

Does no one aspire anymore? Do people not dream about what they want to do with their lives? When I started at this job, it was a paycheck to get my through college. Even then, I worked hard and it showed. I immediately became the go to person when something needed to get done right or we implemented something new. Then I got my degree and decided I actually loved where I was working and worked for a promotion. In less than a year I was a supervisor. A year after that I was being groomed to be an assistant manager. I knew what I wanted and I worked hard for it. I asked questions and filled in shifts and learned every department I could because I saw my goal and I wanted it bad. Less than 3 years and I’m an assistant manager at one of the top hotels in Midland, TX with absolutely no hospitality experience, no manager experience, and nothing more than a drive to be the best at what I do. Now I’m not trying to brag on myself, but why isnt everyone like this? I would rather look back at my life and be proud of my accomplishments than to look back and be disappointed where I ended up.

Now that I’ve been playing single step mommy for a couple months, let me tell y’all, I am exhausted. Emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Single parents, y’all are some kind of super heroes because this is another level of parenting. I will say I have an amazing support group of family and friends and an amazing partner who give me plenty of encouragement and help when I need it, but when it’s just you and your kid for 80-90% of the time, you learn things the hard way most of the time.

Last night I had a bit of a breakdown. I’ve been working a crazy schedule at work and been dealing with some personal issues on top of that and for some reason, last night was not a good night for AJ either. For anyone that’s never cared for a toddler, that means there was no pleasing this child. Crying, screaming, and tantrums through the roof. You know those days when you’re probably better off going to bed because you can’t handle anything else bad happening? Well imagine that, but you have a mini human screaming at you because you wanted to sit on the toilet by yourself. That’s what started the down hill spiral. Literally, I didn’t want to hold him while I pooped. I can hear the parents laughing now thinking “welcome to parenthood.” I’m laughing at myself now thinking about it.

See pre-AJ, I had all the time in the world to take care of myself. I went to the gym, I got my nails done, went to the movies, etc. So when that was abruptly removed from my life, I had to adapt on the spot to what it means to take care of myself. I at least got the eating my feelings part under control. Keto has been amazing and I’m at least thankful I have stuck with that. Nap times are crucial and unfortunately it’s usually not me napping. I try to utilize that time to catch up on my reading or whatever trash tv helps me decompress a bit (btw I’m caught up on 90 day fiancé so I need recommendations). Sometimes it’s putting AJ to bed 30 minutes early so I have that little extra time to talk to Anthony before bed.

I had a second of guilt last night as I’m sitting there crying because I’ve prayed and prayed for a child. I’ve spent hours upon hours angry because I’ve watched all my friends announcing pregnancies or sharing their baby’s photos. So here am I, with this sweet, smart, charismatic little boy in my arms, and I want just a minute of time to myself. I got what I wanted right? Not the way I planned but I got a kid and he’s been a blessing in more ways than I could’ve imagined. So what the hell am I so upset about?

If you ask any of my mama friends they will tell you that I’m usually really good about the encouragement and self love message. Unfortunately, most of the time, we don’t take our own advice. That’s for everyone, not just the moms. Taking care of yourself first is the most important thing. You can’t pour from an empty glass. You can’t take care of everyone around you, if you are hurting. I know everyone has different ways to take care of themselves, but please take some time to love yourself. Eat your favorite food, go for a walk or do some exercise, buy yourself something nice you’ve been wanting, take extra time to meditate, sit in your car and listen to your favorite song, or whatever it may be. Try to do something for yourself more often.

Remember, your inner voice dictates how you’re outer voice sounds. Be kind to yourself first. Then be kind to others because, as the old cliche goes, you never know what someone is dealing with personally. Don’t let others tell you that you are being selfish for taking care of yourself first, especially the mamas out there.

On a side note: after I wrote this I had a small victory. I’ve been working on potty training with AJ. It hasn’t been terrible so far. Once we got the M&M incentive going, it started to click. I basically let him run around without pants at home and eventually he just started sitting down when he had to go. Now I’ve been waiting for him to poop for like 2 days almost because I personally don’t want to clean up poop on my floor. So I’ve been stressing and stressing that he can poop in his little potty. Well he came running in the kitchen tonight saying “poop in the potty.” Y’all I may not be this kids mom but I’ve never been so proud of a tiny human in my life. This “difficult” child no one could get potty trained, I got to use the potty in less than a week. So it’s the little things in life.

If you don’t get my title reference, you must not have been an angsty white teen in the early 2000s. Educate yourself.

Alright, it’s been a hot minute since I had time to actually write something out because well fucking COVID-19 and shitty employees, coupled with Anthony working in Utah and taking care of a two year old. So if you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you all here today, its to talk about (gospel choir voice) LOVE and…wait for it… (Aretha voice) R-E-S-P-E-C-T. That’s right. Love and Respect. Anthony and I are doing this book study together and to summarize it, the book explains how what women want the most is to feel like they are loved, and what men want the most is to feel like they are respected. Now some of you may be like me and think “well duh”, but wait there’s more. Even without a degree, most people will generally tell you that men and women are very different. There are thousands of books about how we’re different, the old women are from Venus and men are from Mars shtick. “So what makes this one different Katie?” Well I’m glad you asked.

So I’m only 3 chapters in to this book and I’m already mind blown by how this book is calling out both male and female issues and how scarily accurate it is. One thing that really hit me is when women don’t feel loved, they tend to react disrespectfully and lash out. Then when our spouse or partner reacts unloving because they don’t feel respected the “crazy cycle” goes round and round (see diagram below). A real life example of this is when Anthony doesn’t text me after reading my message and I get super hurt about so I become short and condescending towards him. Silly right? But to me, when he leaves me on read, to me that feels like he doesn’t care enough to take the time to text me back because in my mind it takes 2 seconds to say “Hey I’m busy.” Now from his side, sometimes he looks at the message and gets busy, sometimes he had his phone open when the message came in, but he was in the other room so when his phone locks he doesnt realize he got a message, sometimes he’s just not feeling good and he’s off and not focused on it. All valid reasons I would think, but instead of stepping back and saying “I know he loves me, it’s not personal,” I put him down and make him feel bad for essentially something he didn’t intend to hurt me. So I disrespect him which makes him irritable and who wants to be loving to someone who’s being mean to them. No joke we literally fight about this once a week.

If you ask women if they love their man, they will say absolutely (most of the time) because women are wired to love. We are lovers and nurturers and caregivers so we naturally expect men to respond in the same way, but men are definitely not wired that way. There was a national study done where four hundred men were given a choice between two negative experiences: a) to be left alone and unloved in the world or b) to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone. 74% of those men chose option a. They would rather feel unloved than disrespected. Now that’s not to say that men don’t need love because they do, but it is not their ultimate need.

This is something Anthony and I have been working on because when I’ve had a bad day and I’m mad about work, Anthony gets even more angry at my job than I do, which usually upsets me more because I just want him to love me and not add fuel to my hate fire. But see because he’s a man, he wants my job to respect me so he goes for the “demand respect” avenue immediately. He’s not wrong in his actions, but it takes away from what I need in that moment, which is love. Just like when he’s having a bad day, my first instinct is to fix it with love, but it doesnt work because that doesnt fulfill his need for respect. He needs me to validate that he is a valued and respected and that he is more than adequate in anything he does.

The book discusses how in most marriage books and seminars they focus on “unconditional love” for your husband, but no one ever talks about “unconditional respect” for your husband. Interesting enough, the author was giving a seminary at a women’s conference and he used this term, they asked him not to come back because for some reason “unconditional respect” hits a nerve with women. Now I know, there are women are out there that are gonna read this and get in a tizzy because they are the “respect is earned” type people, which I understand. They’re the type of women that think that unless their husband makes them feel unconditionally loved their husband doesnt deserve to be treated with respect. I even catch myself falling into this mindset because there is this idea that if you “submit” to your husband you are giving him all the power over you, which personally I HATE that word. “Submit” does sound like a relinquishment of power. He uses the word respect in place of this. Respect is defined as “a feeling of deep admiration for someone.” That’s not so bad is it? That your husband or partner wants to be admired. They want to feel valued. Most husbands, and I say most because it’s not everyone, don’t want a slave, they want a partner. Someone who’s going to work beside them.

Now there are men that will use this “unconditional respect” as a weapon against their partner. These are not good willed men and you should run far far away. If you meet your husband with unconditional respect repeatedly, and he continues to withhold unconditional love from you, he is not the man for you. Same thing with women. If you’re with a women and she’s constantly putting you down and making you feel like you’re less than a man, she is not the one for you. However, the book talks about how we need to hold ourselves accountable and not your partner. You control your actions. Women need to give respect even when they dont feel loved and men need to give love even when they dont feel respected. Two negatives don’t make a positive. This goes both ways. If your spouse is having a bad day or week (or life) and you’re constantly throwing positivity into the feedback loop, eventually they’re either gonna change or realize their actions aren’t okay. If you can look at your spouse and honestly say “this is a good-willed person who does not intentionally hurt me,” keep trying. If you can’t say that after putting in an effort to change, you don’t need to put yourself through more hurt.

So that’s my spiel for today. Now I know not everyone is gonna be on board for this, but I can tell you in just a couple weeks, I’ve felt my animosity and need to quarrels dissipate when I’m upset and I know Anthony’s been working on deescalating situations as well. If you want a good read, even if you aren’t in a relationship, I would highly recommend it.