This blog post has been sitting in my drafts for minimum 3 months so I figured it was time I finished it. I decided to go in a completely different direction and have the discussion of nature vs. nurture. Now this is something I find so fascinating because 1. the human psyche is profound and ever changing, and 2. I love serial killers/mass murders and I love studying what brought their acts to fruition. Even outside of the realm of my obsession, the discussion of nature vs. nurture has been going on since ancient times, going back to Aristotle. This debate of whether we are born and everything we do and become is inherent, passed down in our genes, or are we a blank canvas, molded and shaped by our surroundings, meaning our parents, our peers, our society, etc. So because I’m a weirdo, I’m gonna use the serial killer approach because its the perfect cesspool of humans for this discussion. And don’t worry, I’m gonna stick to the famous ones everyone (most everyone) knows.

But first, I want to talk about the start of my fascination for this topic. In the 8th grade we had to read Lord of the Flies, which I would highly recommend if you havent, but brief synopsis: a group of boys get stranded on an island and you slowly watch the humanity fade from them and watch them become increasingly violent and animalistic towards each other. You watch them choose sides and adopt this kill or be killed mentality. So we had to write a paper on if we thought human beings are inherently “bad/evil”, if this is something we learn, or if it’s something we adapt to. Maybe it was my Christian upbringing, but I immediately went with “yes we are naturally bad,” because that’s what the bible teaches. However, outside of thatm when we are stripped down to our most basic animal instincts, I believe we will do whatever it takes to survive even if that means hurting someone else. Now, most of us are never put in a situation like that to where we would hurt someone, but how often do we laugh at others pain or take joy in other’s despair? Minute as it may seem, we’ve all caused someone pain and gotten pleasure out of it. Not to say we are all on the brink of murder, but I believe there is something in our very nature that fights for superiority over others whether that is with work, our relationships, etc. So moving right along, let’s get into the nitty gritty.

Nature: Ted Bundy. Now for those that don’t know good ol’ Ted Bundy, he was a serial killer that abducted, raped, and murdered 30 (confessed to) woman during the 70s. If you read up on this guy, it’s really astounding he wasnt caught earlier and he actually escaped prison twice so you could say he was a pretty bright guy. He actually led a very normal life. He had girlfriends and jobs and everyone seemed to like him. This man was the king of rouses. So what made him “become” a murder because this isn’t something you just go to in an instant? Now granted, he started with rape first and then escalated to murder, but he didn’t need to rape woman. He was actually a decent looking guy who had normal relationships. It wasn’t like he couldn’t get laid. If you listen to or read interviews with his family they will say for the most part he was a very normal child. He had a loving home and there was no abuse that we know of and even Bundy said he wasn’t abused. His mom or grandmother (I can’t remember which one) said that one day they had woken up from a nap and Ted had placed knives all around her body and he was only like 5 or 6. Not that those actions mark him for life but still it is odd. Ted will say his actions were a result of watching pornography and being addicted to it, but I don’t buy it 100%. Being addicted to porn, I can understand because that is a real thing, but that addiction leading to the murder of at least 30 women, nope. Hell, 120 million people visit Pornhub on the daily and pretty sure 99% of those people aren’t rapist. If you watch his interviews prior to being convicted, this was a man who very much thought there was no way he was going to jail. He was going to do whatever it took to get out of the punishment, which is a big reason he came out with the porn addiction defense because he thought getting Christianity on his side would suspend the death penalty. So was this inevitable for Bundy? Was this an evil that he was born with inside him?

Nurture: This is a deep pool that you could get lost in for hours because time after time, child abuse and parental relationships is a critical factor for most of these serial killers. As well as environment and era. Now there are plenty of people that are abused and they aren’t out there brutally murdering people but if you look at a lot of serial killers they are the perfect storm of terrible circumstances. For example, John Wayne Gacy. Gacy was born into a family with an alcoholic father who regularly beat his wife and children. His father constantly tormented him because he had a heart defect so he wasn’t as active and couldn’t be in sports. One large factor of self hate in Gacy’s life was his sexuality. You have to put into context that this was the 1950s and 1960s. That was a big no no. This was the peak of homosexuality being viewed as a mental illness and full of perverts and men that wanted to rape your children. I’m now realizing that Gacy legit filled all the stereotypes people had of the gays during that time. Anyway, living with a father that really hated the homosexual community and I’m sure burned that into John’s mind on a regular basis, John had to hide his sexuality. He would try to have a normal life, get married, have children, and be very involved in his community. He dressed up as a clown for birthday parties for goodness sake. Everyone knew John and he had a pretty good reputation. There’s a lot of speculation around Gacy’s murder confession because he’s changed stories a few times, but the first murder he described as self defense. So let’s say this first murder was self defense, the kid did try to attack him, what made him go on to rape and kill 33 teen boys? Personally, I think inside his twisted brain, he thought that if he killed them then it served to fill that homosexuality hate that had been instilled in him because he didnt have a problem getting male prostitutes. He was able to have “consensual” sex with most of these teens, but I think the hate that had been sowed into him by his father was a big driving force for the anger he felt which eventually bloomed into violence and murder.

With both Gacy and Bundy both there is also a conditioning aspect. With both of these men, at some point they were okay with semi consensual sex, but whenever you condition your body to associate climaxing with something like murder, the violent act then becomes necessary in your routine to obtain sexual gratification. They both, in a sense, nurtured their destructive tendencies, but where those tendencies were born, is definitely up for discussion. Hopefully this dark and twisty path wasnt too rough for y’all. I definitely toned it down a bit because a lot of Bundy and Gacy’s crimes were super violent and not easy to stomach. I wish I had an answer for this debate, but arguments can be made for both sides as well as a mix of the two.

So it took my a while to work up to this blog post because I feel like this is a very crucial time in our nations history. I have friends on both sides of things and both sides think they’re right. I know people shouting “black lives matter” and “all lives matter.” I have friends that wear black and blue and friends that say “Fuck the police.” Now before I get hated on, please let me say that I value all opinions and believe that everyone has their right to their opinion even if I don’t agree with it. That’s the beauty of the 1st amendment, freedom of speech. Unfortunately, we still live in a society where people use the 1st amendment as a reason to hate others and to spread that hate. I will fully admit that being African American and being discriminated against will be something that I will never fully understand because I cant experience that, and I can’t be faulted for that. Now I grew up in a town where the white population was less than 10% if even that, and I can tell you how my family was treated and how my siblings and I were bullied and discriminated against, how I was denied scholarships because of my skin tone, picked on and bullied by teachers and coaches, pulled over by cops for being white, etc., etc., but in the grand scheme of things, it’s not quite the same. It sounds silly to those who have never experienced it, but that shit happens. To get back on track, because this isn’t about “white people get discriminated against too,” not in the slightest. It was more of a side note that on a small scale I do understand. This is about the divide we have in our country.

I saw a post the other day that said a lot of us are prioritizing George Floyd’s death wrong. We’re saying “it’s horrible that an innocent black man died, but destroying property has to stop” instead of saying “it’s horrible property is being destroyed, but killing innocent black men has to stop.” That really hit me hard because I do see it a lot and I even catch myself doing it because no one wants to watch our cities burn, but an innocent man was murdered. Murdered. That should be both terrifying and disgusting for everyone. White, black, purple, yellow, etc. Everyone. You should see that video and be outraged especially since law enforcement is a job that is supposed to keep us safe and ensure justice. These are the men and women that are tasked with keeping our communities safe, but unfortunately there are human beings that don’t respect what the badge stands for when they choose that career. I’ve met guys that become cops for the sole purpose of having power over others. They get off on it and a lot of the time it’s going to be aimed at the most vulnerable community, which is minorities. That sucks a lot because there are good men and women out there that serve their communities and provide a higher quality of service and they get shit on because of the few individuals who want to be assholes.

I do personally think that there are some parts of the riots that are warranted and some that are not. The anger is justified. I would say some of the violence is justified because I have seen videos where people were attacked and disrupted for peacefully assembling, but when mass groups of people are looting and destroying their own community, the bigger picture is lost. And it’s not just the African American community that is causing damage, it’s everyone, whites included. More suffering is incurred and the message becomes more about burning it down then the original message of change. I’ve seen a lot of posts about how they’ve tried peaceful protest and it doesnt work so things have to get violent for their voice to be heard. To me, that is a temporary mindset. All George Floyd’s death will be remembered for is the violence that ensued from it. We will not think about the power of the people and how we used our power to make change. I mean think about the death of Mike Brown and Trayvon Martin. What changes did we vote for from then to now? How did we make changes in our community to make them safer? Things are not changing because we are allowing the same people to run our country every year. Every year people vote for representatives from the city level all the way to the national level (or don’t vote at all), that make promises and do not deliver them. Promises to bring money back to the community and make it better, safer, etc., but we still have under funded education, under funded housing, and under funded communities as a whole. Make war on the system, not on your communities. Vote smart. Actually vote all together because not voting is like you’re voting against yourself. They keep saying no response is a response well the same goes for voting. We condemn ourselves to the same old bullshit , but yet we didn’t make an attempt to change anything.

I, as well as all of us I think, have seen the numbers that gather when things like this happen. There is very clearly a mass population of people, including myself, who want to see change. So why arent we using that power to help each other? They say knowledge is power so we need to get better about educating ourselves and our children about what rights they have and that our government is supposed to be by the people and for the people. We have to stop being sheep and letting the people above us dictate what we see, how we feel, and what we do because whether we want to believe it or not, everything we see in the media is manipulated in some way to get a specific response from us because they want you to join their side. With the technology we have at our finger tips, there is no reason for you to not know who is calling the shots in your community, your city, your state, and your country. If there is a law enforcement issue in your community, vote for new representation. If your schools are underfunded, vote in a representative that wants to help. If there isn’t a representative that suits you, raise better representatives. People think that you have to be born in politics, but it starts on the local level with people who care and want to help.

It’s easy to sit back and say that race doesn’t matter. That old cliche “we should be colorblind.” But, that’s not how the world works because our race is part of who we are, black or white. We need to be stereotype blind. We, all of us, need to reach across the divide and listen to each other. Stand up for each other. Black or white, what happened to George Floyd is something we all should be outraged about. We should all see that video and want to fight for change so that never happens to anyone ever again. So in a couple weeks, when the riots stop, when more people are dead, and we go back to normal life, keep raising your voice for your people. Do not let George Floyd be another name we only bring up when there’s another police brutality death.

Since my last post was about working in a hotel, I figured I’d make a “tips and tricks” post about hotels. Mainly because I’m tired of annoying/rude guests bothering me for things. Fun Fact: the difference between a hotel and a motel is a hotel has 2+ floors and motels only have 1-2 floors. Also motels generally have exterior entrance for your room.

So to start off let’s talk about upgrades and what’s the best way to get them for free. Now I don’t work at a resort so there’s only so many upgrades I can offer (Midland doesn’t have a ocean view), but I’ll start by saying, don’t approach the request with a sense of entitlement. That will make it much less likely for you to get it. Honestly, if you’re kind or mention you’re celebrating something, most hotels will be more inclined to answer your request. I actually love when people call the hotel in advance to tell us they are celebrating something and if there is anything we can do to make it more special for them. I once had a wife call and ask if she could have us purchase a few things for her that her husband liked since it was gonna be his birthday and she wouldn’t be with him. She did pay for the items, but still it was nice to go get that stuff for her and make a little gift basket for him. Or this weekend I had a couple in town that was seeing each other for the first time in a while and they asked to have a room away from everyone (wink wink). Easy accommodation to make. Even if we can’t swing the upgrade, we try to leave a card to help celebrate their occasion.

My second advisement is to not book through a third party website. This means Expedia, Hotels.com, Booking.com, basically anything that is not the hotel site or calling the property. These sites ROB YOU OF MONEY. You think you’re getting a deal because the room is $5 less than the property website, but while you pay $5 less in advance purchasing, the third party usually pays the hotel $20 less than you paid them because they have a contract with the property. Hilton now does price match in order to avoid this so call the reservation line! For cheaper prices, I would honestly look 1-2 weeks in advance and book your room then. With Hilton, if the prices drops or you find it cheaper online somewhere, call Hilton and they will adjust your rate. Also, most of the time, you don’t get the full benefits of the hotel. If you’re a rewards member you don’t get your points (most of the time). It’s also extremely difficult to make changes to your reservation without consulting the third party. For example, if you want to stay another night and you prepaid through Hotels.com, we cant extend you. We also can’t refund you or give you a receipt because then you know what the third party is paying (that is a big no no with those sites). So if something happens during your stay that requires you to be compensated, its very difficult to do and it’s definitely not immediate. It usually takes an extra 3-5 days for the third party to get back to you, if they even do.

An obvious tip should be you pay for what you get. If you want quality you’re going to pay for it. Prior to working in a hotel, I was one of those people I looked for cheap cheap cheap, but that usually led to sketchy places that weren’t clean or were run down. If you want a nice stay in a place that you know is clean and the service is a higher quality, don’t complain about the price. For example, my hotel (prior to COVID) served a full breakfast every day, a happy hour four nights a week, provided high quality housekeeping, and provided rooms with full kitchenettes, among several other things. So when I have people call and tell me they can stay at the La Quinta or Motel 6 for less money, I get a bit peeved. Now I’ve stayed in some decent La Quintas, but Hilton raises the bar for sure. So if you’re paying less than $80 a night, most of the time, it’s not gonna be the best quality stay.

Housekeepers are not your personal maids. If you leave your room a disgusting mess and expect housekeeping to clean up after you, you are an asshole. Just because you are “paying” to stay in a hotel, does not mean you can be a pig. Housekeeping’s basic function is to replace linen, take out trash within reason, and tiding the room. They are not there to do your dishes, clean up your hair or bodily fluids, or clean up your messes. I can’t tell you how many rooms we’ve cleaned where these people were living in filth and not once asked for any type of service. This one guest had three stacks of about 20 plates just sitting on the table, covered in mold, and trash everywhere. How do people live like this and why would you want other people to see that you live like that? Blows my mind. So rule of thumb is, if you wouldnt want to clean your room in it’s current state, don’t make the housekeepers clean it in that state. If you’re mama would be embarrassed of you, clean it up.

Lastly, and probably most redundant, be kind to the staff and they’ll take care of you. Things happen and there are issues sometimes. People get frustrated and upset. We get that, but that is no reason to berate the staff. I once had an old lady, probably 70s, yell at me and talk down to me for three hours because a drunk driver had hit a power pole behind the hotel and knocked out power for the whole block, as if it was my personal fault. I’m not even exaggerating. Three hours this tiny women lectured me and told me how horrible this hotel was and how we had ruined their night. Bitch, like I want to be running up and down stairs in the dark trying to keep everyone calm and safe. Then at the end when the power came back on, she had the nerve to turn to my ex husband, who had stayed to help me take care of things since I was alone, and say “your wife deserves a glass of wine and a back rub after tonight.” There has never been a moment in my life that I wanted to hurt an elderly woman more than that moment right there. Now I know this isnt a representation of all guests, but in summary, don’t be a Karen. And if something is wrong SPEAK UP. Don’t wait till you’re leaving to say the shower was clogged for your whole stay or your neighbors were loud and you couldnt sleep. We can’t fix the issues if you don’t tell us what’s wrong.

So in order to keep myself from losing my mind at work, I’m gonna talk about how this wonderful COVID-19 has affected my life, mostly from a work aspect. For everyone that doesn’t know, I’m the AGM at Homewood Suites by Hilton, which is hands down the best and worst job I’ve ever had. When this all started, I was actually on vacation in Montana, picking up my step kids. At this point only Washington and New York were on lock down so we decided to still travel and make the most of it. My GM, Manny, had text me and said “can you conference call at 10?” This conference call would lay it out that we were shutting down the Food and Beverage Department, letting go of our contract labor (about 5 people) and our assistant engineer, closing all amenities, and essential eliminating all unnecessary contact with guests. Essentially turning us into just a place to sleep. I remember walking down the hallway of my hotel, holding back tears, and thinking “holy shit this is happening” because if people cant travel, my business is essentially useless. When I finally made it home, I went to work and my hotel was like a ghost town and it looked sad and empty.

We were sitting at about 28 staff at this point and we were told to get it down to 22. So of course we got rid of the ones we weren’t super happy with any way so it was a win-win. The people on staff were cut to 3 days on 4 days off. The next cut was down to 17. At that point, it was starting to hurt because it was people we loved and wanted to take care of and support. The big cut came when the corporate office told Manny he either had to cut me or get rid of 5 other staff members. So since I can work more than one department, I got to keep my job, which in hindsight only led to me losing 10% of my salary and adding an extra 10 hours to my work week so maybe not the best call but its too late. It also led to us only having 2 housekeepers and a handful of front desk staff, including myself, the GM, and my chief engineer who worked 7 days a week, but couldnt go over 36 hours.

So during all of this our corporate office has frozen all of our purchasing abilities for everything. I’m talking everything including essential things we need to run our hotel like laundry soap. It got to the point where we were borrowing from our sister hotels in Lubbock and Amarillo. Meanwhile, we’re getting emails from corporate telling us to cut back on all spending so we can continue to pay the utility bills. I cannot make this up. A month into this, my hotel was one of three of four open for this whole company, but we are having to cut more and more. We are literally keeping this place afloat while they keep poking more and more holes in the life raft. This is a multi-million dollar company and we don’t have cash flow for utility bills?

Now that the madness has started to slowdown and things are getting back to normal, our corporate office has come out with some wonderful “guidelines” to help keep us safe and keep our hotel guests safe. I’m not joking when I say these are the most ridiculous things they could come up with. It’s very clear that these were developed by someone who has never worked in a hotel. For example, clean the elevator EVERY HOUR. Clean the front desk area every thirty minutes. Leave rooms vacant for three days and then wash all linens separately. Now I know not everyone understands how hotels function, but when you’re hitting 80% occupancy, you dont have the time or the resources to effectively fulfill all these requirements. The most ridiculous one so far was to remove all the pull out sofa linens and blankets from the rooms because there’s no guarantee that the last guest didn’t use them and put them back. I can promise you that I’ve never had a guest that was courteous enough to cleanup the sheets and blankets. So I spent all of Saturday night running and finding the set for the pullout couches and putting them together all while I’m here alone and watching the desk. Just impractical.

Now the worst part of all of this, apart from my staff getting sliced to ribbons, has been how assholish the guests have been. I understand the country is opening up, but there’s a reason our pool isnt open and we’re not serving breakfast. I witnessed it this weekend. Now that things are opening up, there was a mad rush on my hotel. We are required to have the pool at 25% capacity, which for a 30 person limit pool is about 8 people. I dont know if any of you have had to restrict a fun thing for people, but it’s a nightmare. So we made the decision to not open the pool during memorial weekend because we wouldnt be able to control the mass influx of people. I cannot tell you how many people have lost their shit over a pool. As if we havent been going through a mass pandemic. They’re already getting the rooms for about $30 less than normal. It’s just incredibly frustrating the mass ignorance and entitlement.

That’s my vent for the week. Stop treating the service industry like servants. We are tired. We are overworked. We are underpaid. We are not being compensated.

223- What is your favorite song to sing in the shower? It really depends on my mood. Lately it’s been Fall Out Boy. I will forever sing Sugar We’re Goin Down at the top of my lungs like I’m 15 years old. I’m terrible at singing so I need something I can really belt it out too.

531- Have you ever entered a talent contest? What was your act? Well I have terrible stage fright. Like I will have a full blown panic attack and probably cry if I have to get up in front of people. Which I find odd since I love words and being able to weave them together, but actually putting them verbally for a group is not my jam. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been in a contest before. I’ve competed in things, which for some reason doesn’t give me anxiety unless I am singled out and we compete one at a time.

2998 – Would you ever become a CIA agent, if so why? Honestly, if it were like the movies and I got to chase bad guys and solve crimes, hell yes I would. In reality, I know it’s a lot of paperwork and probably not that exciting. I also think there’s a lot of “turn a blind eye” in that field and that would eat at me for ever.

758 – What is the longest book you’ve ever read? Do college text books count? Because some of those were LOOOOOOOONG as hell. For recreation though, IT was easily 1,100 pages. I honestly couldnt tell you off the top of my head. I’ve read a decent amount of books and never thought to check the page number.

19- Where would you like to live most? Anywhere that is green and I have fresh water to swim and fish. I dont do extreme cold so as much as I love Montana and would move there if I had to, I dont think I would survive the cold. My mom says you get used to it, but I’ve lived in desert climate most of my life and I am not acclimated to that type of weather. I always tell Anthony I’m a snake and need sunshine and heat to survive. But I absolutely love water, it’s really something that brings a sense of peace to my soul.

3000 – When you’re sick do you grin and bear it, or just curl up in bed as much as possible? I honestly try not to call into work unless I absolutely have to. Most of the time I will grin and bear it. The only time I really call in is for my period because I’m in so much pain I’m puking.

999 – How often do you self-reflect? I’d like to think pretty often. I think it’s very important for growth and healing. It’s also my prayer time. Time for God to help me in areas that I’ve been lacking in. I wish I had more time, or actually make more time to sit and mediate more often.

1636 – If you were the captain of a ship, what would you call it? I would name her Matilda, which means “strength in battle.”

777- What is one thing in your life you can’t make a decision on? Hmm…. If I’m as smart as I think I am.

29- What are your favorite names? Charlotte, Beau, Jack, Henry, Constance, Declan, Amelia . I really love old classic names. I think it’s the romantic in me.

I thought I had left you sitting there, alone on the sidewalk. I ran as fast as I could to put a safe distance between us, but I either got lazy or the events surrounding my life were fuel to your meandering pace. I told you when I left that I didn’t want to see you again. I told you I had found happiness at last and there was no room for you in my heart, but it’s like you still have a string tied around my guts that I didn’t know about. It led you back to me slowly but surely and I felt your long, icy fingers begin to weave a new web around my consciousness. A web of self doubt and emptiness I had never felt before.

The cold was familiar, but the bitterness it brought with it sucked the air out of my lungs and left me gasping and clawing at the air, begging to give me my breath back. It took a lot of patience and pruning to get you out the first time. Your roots ran deep to the center of my soul. Your wines were a vibrant red and seemed to whisper my worst thoughts about myself. Now you seem to have grown in a deep black and this time it is not whispers about me, but whispers about everyone else. You have seemed to partner with paranoia and obsession because you saw the cracks in my trust and saw the perfect place to slither in and begin making a new nest.

I yanked you out once before at the cost of my finger tips. Your thorns were sharp and drew my blood as a gracious offering for your porous veins. I plucked until my fingers were raw and all I felt was the sharp sting of liberation, but the holes you left were numerous and gaping. My insides resembled that of a maze instead of a stone wall as it should. I began rebuilding on my journey away from you, but you kept my address and found your way back home. I still feel the scars on my hands from our last encounter, but I don’t know if I’m ready to open those wounds again.

I am an insecure bitch. I will fully admit that 90% of the time. Not that I dont think I’m pretty or that I lack confidence in myself, but I was reflecting on some of my jealous tendencies I have and they go all the way back to childhood. Surprise surprise. Childhood trauma yay. In my reflections I realized, almost every guy that I’ve liked or had a crush on, has been into my best friend more than me since I was like 12. That’s not an exaggeration either. I would like a boy and I would tell him that I like him and he would say oh I like so and so, not you. Over and over again. For the longest time, I could not understand. I wasn’t un-pretty in school. I was in good shape, I played sports, and I was pretty smart. I was also built phenomenally by the way. I was curvy like a coke bottle. Not chubby either. I was stacked. I had gotten my braces off, I wore contacts, and thought I looked semi decent, but I still couldnt get guys to notice me. I didn’t act that differently from my girl friends. I wasnt terrible to look at, but I was always stuck in the friends zone. Or stuck dating weirdos. I now have this terrible complex where I’m afraid of whatever man I’m with leaving me for my best friend. It’s ridiculous and childish, but this shit stings me to my core. I’ve even done it with Anthony and Keli and I know in my head they would never do anything and in reality they’re too much alike to date and get along.

Looking back we’re gonna chalk this up to “boys are dumb”, but even in to adulthood I still have this lingering anxiety. I wasnt the girl to date the captain of the football team or the popular guy so when I have a hot “popular” guy (i.e., Anthony) that’s interested in me, I’m immediately looking for the holes because the only reasons boys like that talked to me in high school was for help with their school work or to stare at my boobs. So my mind is constantly looking for a motive especially when I have such stunning friends. As much as I’d like to think that this pattern hasnt transferred into adulthood it has. Any time we’d go out to the bar for girls night, who gets us the free drinks? Not this chick. I would even try taking my ring off and still was not approached a single time. Now don’t get me wrong, this is not a “why wont anyone look at me” type post. It’s more of a way for me to process some insecurity I have. There have been incidents within my relationships that have added to this stupid anxiety that I’m really not that great and I will always just be second rate. Issues with trust and issues with being put first. “Is it because I’m fat?” “Is it because I’m not that pretty?” “Is it because I’m weird?” Even at work, I feel like I’m constantly hearing about how everyone loves Keli or has a crush on her and I can’t blame them. She’s fucking phenomenal. She’s beautiful, smart, kind, and just has this magnetism you can’t help but be drawn too. She literally lights up the room. I guess I just get tired of feeling second place in life. I’m trying to adopt this mentality of “I’m unique and only attract what I project, so project greatness.” But fuck, I just want to be the pretty friend sometimes. I want that feeling of being the girl that every guy wants. I know it only matters if the one I want, wants me, which most of the time I feel like he does. But the fear lingers on.

Now I really didn’t have a term for this until the movie The D.U.F.F came out. D.U.F.F stands for Designated Ugly Fat Friend. That’s what I feel like. My friends by no means perpetuate this feeling. I am surrounded by amazing, caring, empowering women. Most days I do love myself. Love who I’ve become. But some days, that depression, rears it’s ugly head and spits in my face. So I’m working on it. I’m working on it. Daily. Working on making myself into the person I want to me, inside and out. Working on making my voice louder than the depression and anxiety.

I’m not super close with most of my siblings. There’s 6 of us. Yes, 6. Daniel is the only one that I’m incredibly close with starting in childhood and leading to adult hood. That’s not to say I dont love my siblings because they all have a special place in my heart and I love them dearly. Well most of them. Jeremy, my dad’s oldest, really fucked me up when it comes to trusting people close to me. He was one of the first men, aside from my dad, that I really loved unconditionally. Little did I know, his love was not unconditional, but up until about 5 years ago, I loved him blindly.

He really was my first best friend even with a 9 year age difference. A lot of the fandoms and music I like is because of him. I remember I would just sit on the floor in his room and listen to him play guitar for hours. We would have sword fights in the back yard and he would play with me constantly. However, I was very blind to what was happening at home. I didn’t see the way he treated my mother and father. I didn’t see the drug abuse going on. I didn’t realize the scary movies and images he was showing me would leave a lasting imprint on my mind. Things that still give me nightmares to this day. I just wanted to be cool like my brother. He was obsessed with scary movies and really anything to upset my mom. Especially Halloween, which was the main source of my nightmares for a long time. He told me when I was about 14 that he used to kills cats as a kid so very clear psychopathic tendencies there, but thank god he never murdered anyone. At 17 he left and moved in with him mom. Got his girlfriend pregnant and eventually left her too. To demonstrate how much I idolized him, even though this is his story that I dont remember because I was 7 or 8 maybe even younger, apparently when he moved out I had found one of his guitar picks and because I was afraid my mom would throw it away, I hid it in the toilet tank. He said he came and visited and I told him to wait and went and got this pick out of the toilet tank and my hand was soaked. He kept that pick in a journal he has.

Drugs consumed his life, but my parents were very protective of myself and Daniel so we did not know the full extent of his issues. I didn’t realize his mom and step dad were very heavy into the partying and drugs, even though they had my sister and her little sister at home, which Kendall is the only reason my sister stayed with her mom. She took care of Kendall. Fed her, clothed her, made sure she stayed out of trouble because her parents were strung out most of the time. We saw him once or twice a year at family get-togethers. Or he would randomly stop in when he needed something from my dad. I remember one time, Josh (his son), was probably 2 came and stayed with us and it just so happened we were having a big party for my uncle and cousin. Well Jeremy showed up and of course all Josh wanted was his dad. My brother was so pissed the rest of the night because he couldn’t get fucked up anymore. Josh wouldn’t go to anyone but him. I have random blips of him coming to see me at school, unbeknownst to my parents. He was always the fun brother. I never had a bad time with him. From about age 8 to 12, these were the memories I had. All good because I was his girl and he made sure that I always had good things to remember him by.

Jeremy would eventually get clean and “find Jesus.” Things seemed to get better with he and my dad. He moved back to Gallup and actually started to learn the business and he even lived with us for a while. There was a 1-2 year period where Jeremy was actually my youth pastor and I spent so much time with him and really grew what I thought was this amazing friendship. Things we’re really good, but again, my parents hid things from us really well. I slowly started to see little things come out. I started to see how he actually treated his wife, my dad, my mom, and my older sister. But as things with Jeremy go, he would move and we wouldn’t hear from him unless my dad offered to take his family out to eat or to a baseball game. Eventually we didn’t hear from him at all. For years, I didn’t hear from him. When I finally moved out for college, for some reason I can’t remember, I got it in my head that my brother had tried to contact me, but my parents kept it from me (probably something he put in my head). It was only after my mom and dad had told me the things he had done and said and why we didn’t have a relationship with him that I began to see the holes in this facade he had pulled me in to, but I was still very optimistic, because again this was the brother that I adored. This was the brother that I felt adored me back.

So when I got engaged, I took Marty to meet Jeremy and it went great. I felt that this was going to be a healing thing for my family. Alicia (his wife) came to my bridal shower and the plan was for them to come over for dinner afterwards because my family was all in town. He picked her up after the shower and said “see you at the house” and then didn’t show up. He text my dad and said he just couldn’t be around my mom. Now mind you, this is coming from the guy who told my mother she was a horrible mother that shouldn’t have children, stole from her, pretty much emotionally terrorized her in hopes she would leave my dad. So fast forward to my wedding, no RSVP, no phone call, no text message, not even a letter from him or his wife. My oldest brother was in jail and still managed to call me twice. I’ve had the same phone number since I was 13 so it’s not like they didnt have it, but I let it go. I had finally reached the point of “you don’t want to care, I don’t care” and I let it go. I ended up unfriending his wife on Facebook because in my life if we’re not friends in real life, you’re not privy to watch my life on Facebook. At first she was nice and asked why we weren’t friends on FB anymore and I told her why. She said she was sorry and she could understand why I was upset. She said that was disrespectful of them to not tell me about not coming to the wedding and if there was anything “we” could do to fix it. Everything was “we” as if she was speaking for both of them. Literally at 2 AM the next morning she message me telling me she’s drunk and go on a “sorry if it’s rude” tirade about me being cool with Sheena. She would berate me because I was friends with Jeremy’s ex-wife on Facebook and tell me that was so hurtful to her after all Sheena had put them through and blah blah blah. I’m the first to admit when I’m doing something to be petty, but being “friends” with Sheena was not a petty thing. It was so I could see photos of my nephew grow up, so I could see her kids grow up, and if I came to town I had a way to contact her and ask to see Josh. She may not be a great person to them and I know she struggles with her own things but she always made sure we had a relationship with Josh. I could message her right now and there wouldnt be an issue.

When I say I lost it, I fucking lost it. Basically ripped her a new one about my “relationship” with Sheena. I said I wasn’t mad about the wedding, because I wasn’t. I was mad that 5 months went by from the shower to the wedding and I didn’t hear anything from them. I said I didn’t have time for weary travelers in my life and I would not stay stuck in limbo with this relationship. I deserved better than that. She said everything I said was true and that they had been in and out and that she stepped out of line. She said she wished she would’ve been in contact with me more. One thing I know about Alicia is, she is not a fighter. She will back down at any sort of altercation. I knew she was genuinely sorry because I know her heart, but I told her the big picture was my brother not being in my life. She shouldn’t be making the effort. He should be. She said she would talk to him about it and get back with me. That was 2016. Haven’t heard from them since.

When I made the move to Midland, Daniel rode in the truck with me and we had a good talk about Jeremy because I was still freshly hurt by him and still in this half hate half love place with him. Daniel had told me that after he had come out as gay, Jeremy had sent my dad this letter calling Daniel a faggot and saying that the reason Daniel was gay was because my dad was a piece of shit father. My freshman year of college I had asked Daniel to come with me to Jeremy’s and because Daniel loves me he went with me. He didn’t tell me what Jeremy had said about him at the time. On that long drive he told me going to that apartment was really hard on him, but he would do anything for me and he sucked it up. As the years have gone on, I have found out more and more things that have stripped away the facade of my brother. Things like when my grandfather died, he left Jeremy his guitar. Jeremy pawned it. He has stolen money, jewelry, pills, anything really he could get his hands on from multiple people in my family, our grandmother especially. He beats his wife, who works herself to the bone so he can sit at home and get high all day. He is a master manipulator. He has this way of making you think that you have this great relationship, because he is really fun to be around, but as soon as you can’t provide him with anything, he will stomp you out as if you never meant anything to him. I watch it happen over and over again with my family members, especially my sister. He has probably taken the most from her and because Jenna is a good person and doesn’t want to rock the boat, she takes it. She will never kick him out of her life.

This post originally started out about my siblings and my relationship with each one, but I realized I still had a lot of unprocessed grief from Jeremy. Not anger or sadness, but grief because I had to bury the brother I thought I had. I had to mourn the imaginary person I thought was in my life. I miss him dearly and I miss his family dearly. But I know in my heart that nothing about him is good. I refuse to be the lantern holder for ghosts anymore.

For those of you that don’t know, we have had Anthony’s son, AJ for about just over a month now. To be honest, it’s been wonderful. I mean let’s be real, he’s two and has plenty of tantrums, but 75% of the time he is a sweetheart. I’ve been reading up a lot on being a step mom because this isn’t a niece or nephew that I’m gonna love like an aunt. Although, I’d like to think I love my little hellions as much as their mama’s but it’s just a fraction less than that. This is someone that I am going to be helping raise and mentor and teach. It’s very easy, especially since I don’t/can’t have my own children, to get attached and forget that he’s not my kid. I don’t get to make the calls on disciplining, on learning, etc., etc., but at the same time I have to take part in that. I have opinions and ideas about how I think things should be done, but it takes a lot of self control to step back and say “okay, it’s not my kid don’t try and control the situation.” It’s especially hard when I see things that could be improved or things could be done differently or areas that are lacking in AJ’s life because I so much want to tell him mom “that’s bad for your kid”, but it’s not my place. I want to be his advocate, but how do you do that when you don’t want it to seem you’re trying to take someone’s kid away from them?

It’s very clear that that is the vibe his mother is getting. I’m not sure if that’s out of insecurity or fear, but I’d like to think there is room enough in AJ’s life for both of us. I’m in no way trying to be his mother. Believe me, I know how special that bond is between a mother and her baby. But is it so absurd that I would love him too? She made a comment yesterday that I know nothing about being a mom and that’s why God made sure I can’t have any kids. Now I’m not so upset about her comment, because I’ve very much some to terms with the idea that I may never have children. I’m more upset that someone would make that comment in general. I’ve been mad before and I’ve said things that were mean, but I’ve never said things that are down right evil. I’ve never slashed at someone with my words going for the kill shot because somethings you can’t take back. I would never wish this pain I feel from not being able to have kids on anyone. The emptiness and inadequacy it brings is something you never forget. I would never wish the overwhelming disappointment of yet another period on any person, but yet if you’ve never felt that pain or that loss, it’s easy to just make comments like that.

I don’t hate her because ultimately she gave me the love of my life and a little boy that I adore, but I’m having a hard time wanting good things for her. If those comments had been made to one of my friends or my family members, there’d be an ass whooping coming for you (and tbh if Keli ever sees her, she’ll be lucky if she doesnt beat the shit out of her). But God has put it heavy on my heart to pray for Keely, which is hard because I really want her to feel the weight of her words. “Love your enemy and pray for those that persecute you.” One day, she will need something from me and those words will be burned into the back of my mind and I pray for her sake that God speaks to me before my own selfish feelings do.

This really wasn’t meant to be a “bash” on Keely, but more of a writing release for myself. I know if I hold it in that I’m upset, then she wins. I am too strong and too mature to let someone’s petty, ignorant comments hurt me. At the end of the day one of us has a house, a car, a college degree, a good paying job, sobriety, and the physical custody of AJ, and the other doesn’t. She will say birthing AJ is the ultimate win, and in ways it is, but being a loving figure in his life and getting some absolutely nothing other that his love back is the ultimate win. I get no benefits other than him. I get no government assistance. I get no child support. Na-da. But I get his hugs and his kisses and every silly beautiful moment while he’s with us. So at the end of the day if all she has is words, I’m okay with that. Words come and go. The love and joy that AJ brings is enduring.