Today’s blog post comes from both a place of sadness and anger and maybe a little concern. One of my favorite movies is Parenthood. If you haven’t seen it, I would HIGHLY recommend it. The movie with Steve Martin, not the tv show (which is also good but not as good). Theres this scene in the movie where Keanu Reeves and Dianne West are talking about having a man around the house. Keanu says he had a man around the house growing up and he used to wake him up flicking lit cigarettes at this head. Then he delivers the line below which has stuck with me for years:

“You know, Mrs. buckman, you need a license to buy a dog. You need a license to drive a car. Hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they’ll let any butt-reaming asshole to be a father.”

I grew up in one of the poorest counties in the nation. Not just the state, in the nation. I watched people put alcohol, drugs, relationships, and/or gambling before their children. I can’t even tell you how many children we lost in my county because their parents are out at the bar and something happens at home, usually fires. I’m not talking about teenagers. I’m talking little kids. Elementary age kids.

I’ve watched members of my own family and friend group, use their children as pawns or refuse to step up and be actual parents. They continue to party and do drugs and treat their kids as accessories. They take advantage of their loved ones with their kids being a source of manipulation. They continue to have unprotected sex and produce more children into the system. They’re more worried about how things look on the outside then how things are functioning within their family.

I’m not saying you can’t go out and have a good time every once and a while because I understand parents need breaks. Some more than others. Parents deserve to have some fun and enjoy themselves. But when you’re party time to kid time ratio is leaning towards party time, you need to re-evaluate your priorities.

There are people out there that would do anything to have a child and give it the love it deserves. Good, kind, honest people that can’t have children. People that have to apply and prove that they are deserving of a child and that they are responsible adults. We have extremely high standards for adoptive parents but there are no qualifications to have a baby. You have to have a back ground check, interviews, home checks, references, etc., just to be put on a list for adopting a baby.

I’m not saying we should regulate who can have children, but there are resources out there to prevent a person from bringing a child into this world. You can get free birth control. You can get free condoms. Sometimes having a baby saves individual and makes them change their life. But that’s rare.

It breaks my heart that people bring children into this world that they don’t love and adore and that they wouldn’t give anything for. Be smart with your choices and remember that once you make a baby, you are the one who’s priorities need to change and your child shouldn’t be punished or neglected because of your actions. If you do have a problem, get help. There are resources out there for parents. You just have to ask.

So this is a piece I wrote almost a year and half ago. Haven’t really been in the mood to write so figured I’d share some old stuff. Seemed to fit my mood.

The outer layer of my skin appeals to those who do not find comfort in their own. Pretty smile, bright eyes, and an apparent look that says you can trust me. They fall in love with the girl that comforts them and helps them forget about the tragic life they claim to lead. No nagging, no yelling, no belittling found here. Perfection is what they see, but their idea of perfect is the opposite of what their past and current predicaments have provided them. The phrase the grass is always greener dissolves in their mind because here is what they have always been looking for, even if they’ve already followed their yellow brick road home.

Their words feed my ego like a stray animal. “Baby”, “sweetheart”, “my love” are like morsels of grain making a trail to the wallpapered happiness they claim I provide. But like a stray animal, I grow hungry and weak, praying more favor is thrown my way. And when it’s not the animal takes over and my sweet complexion melts away and only bitterness and anger remain. Resentment surfaces and I am denied what was promised to me through pillow talk and paper thin kisses. Thin enough I should see through them but yet I am blinded by the bright lights of flattery and fear of being alone.

I have a terrible case of running brain. So much so that my anxiety will over power any tactic I take to sleep. Sleeping pills, black out curtains, white noise, music, etc. Most of the time, I’m self analyzing to an insane level. My anxiety has a way of turning anyway someone’s wronged me into a “Hey this your fault somehow” conversation.

Tonight’s topics include, but aren’t limited to,

• why your soon to be ex-husband didn’t want to spend time with you
• all the ways you’ve failed in your career journey
• Maybe if you had lost weight sooner, he would’ve had sex with you more often
• Maybe if you could have a baby you wouldn’t feel like a failure of a woman
• All the ways people take advantage of you because you’re too nice
• No one actually wants to be your friend or genuinely thinks you’re interesting

I know all of these are fabricated inaccuracies of myself but damn that anxiety’s voice is so fucking loud. Imagine hearing your own voice screaming out all the flaws you fear in yourself. Chipping away, day in and day out. I picture her as one of those monkeys with the cymbals but her batteries never run out. Even on the best days I can still hear the circus music in the background.

This isn’t a woe is me piece but I’m hoping putting this into writing will exorcise some of these demons long enough to give me some peace in sleep. I am stronger than these thoughts but I am so tired of pushing them off my shoulders.

I originally learned about this when I took a relationships course in college. If you haven’t heard of this, I would highly recommend checking it out. I’ll leave a link. The 5 Love Languages is a book written by Dr. Gary Chapman. It talks about how every person has a specific way they need to receive love.

• Words of Affirmation
• Acts of Service
• Receiving Gifts
• Quality Time
• Physical Touch

A lot of the time in relationships, we think we’re giving our spouse the type of love they need because it’s what we would want. However, we all feel and need different things. For example, you may love receiving little surprise gifts from your partner so you buy them little things every now and then because it makes you happy so it must make them happy. In reality your partner might want to just spend 1-1 time with you and see the gifts as a lazy way to show your love for them.

I can’t remember what my original results of this test were but I retook it prior to writing this, which is free btw. My highest scoring category was acts of service.

Acts of Service: “Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.”

Quality time was a close second by only 1 point, but I’m one of those people that if I feel like I’m carrying the load on my own, I get burnt out very easily. I will also be the first to admit, I won’t ask for help. Mostly because I want my partner to want to help me with things. Terrible habit, because most men (sorry guys) need you to tell them what you need. They’re not good mind readers unfortunately. Even in my professional career, if someone says “Let me help you with that” or “you looked swamped so I took care of that for you”, I will be over the moon with appreciation.

Receiving gifts was my lowest scoring category. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy getting gifts, but anyone can buy a present. But I’ve met people that are all about receiving gifts. It doesn’t make them selfish by any means. They just like the idea of someone taking the time to buy them a gift, especially if it’s thoughtful and meaningful.

I would highly recommend taking the test. It could really improve your relationships. Not just romantic relationship, but your every day relationships.

https://www.5lovelanguages.com

I love you as a soul, but not in the way that I need it to be a part of mine. In a way that it’s presence is at home in my heart but it is a temporary house guest. It rages in, tracking the mud of the past on to my hand woven rug of the present. A rug I have poured the blood of my obstacles and the sweat of my triumphs into weaving as a mirror of my existence. The company is comforting as if it has always been there like the worn recliner in the corner. It knows the curves and outline of my being similar to what the chair knows but the chair like your soul does not know the far outreaches of the badlands that have woven that rug of my existence. It sees the curves but does not know the battles that have been fought to establish those territories. It has not walked the rocky terrain to the depths of my survival and will not make the journey because it requires a long term stay and you are an only here for a visit.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

I believe one of the most amazing things our country has to offer is the first amendment. Even if you go back to the pilgrims, they came here to seek religious freedom. Granted most people that came here were seeking Christianity based religious freedom, but religious freedom non the less.

I’ve been fortunate enough to have friends and family that are from all different religious sects. Christian, Muslim, Atheist, Wiccan, Buddhist, Agnostic, Spiritual, etc,. Some have been religious pricks and others have some of the kindest, most generous people I’ve ever met. I’ve met Atheists that would give you the shirt if your back and I’ve met Hindus who couldn’t care less if you starved to death.

I think we, as a society, judge people by their labels, instead of by their actions. I believe that goes with all religious. When I took World Religions in college, we watched an interview with a female Jewish Rabi. She made a point that we divide people up into categories of religion and we usually lump the radicals or extremists in with the normal people because of their religion. She explained we need to have a separate category for those that use their religion as a reason to do harm to others because if they were really followers of their religion they wouldn’t be radical.

For example, Westboro Baptist Church. They are usually described as Christian radicals. But they’re not Christians if you go off of what the Bible says. Or if you look at groups like ISIS or the Taliban, they get described as Muslim or Islamic extremists. But if you read the Koran or study Islam, it’s an extremely peaceful religion. So those people killing others in the name of Islam are not true Muslims. Side note: there’s actually a piece in the Koran that requires its followers to donate money to the Mosque, which is called Zakat, (much like Christians tithe) but it also promotes donating a portion of your personal goods/funds to charity every year.

I also believe our society has developed this stigma that if you don’t 100% agree with someone’s belief system, then you have to hate that person. Or if their religion doesn’t 100% approve of you as a person, then they must hate you. A HUGE example of this is the Christian community and the LGBTQ+ community. There are people that spread hate on both sides. Because one time one person said this or treated them like that and blah blah blah. I’ve met individuals who are members of both these communities. That love both groups of people. We need to start finding common ground and stop assuming a label someone has automatically actuates them to hate or discrimination. Granted there are “Christians” that hate LGBTQ+ people. There are people that are LGBTQ+ that hate Christians. Because its a subset minority breeds hate.

You can have a set of beliefs in anything, but if you choose to use it as a platform for hate rhetoric, you aren’t really practicing what you claim to be. So if you take anything away from this, I hope it’s this idea that we need to be good, kind, honest, and loving people first. Religious people second. Open a dialogue and learn about each other because most of the time we are all alike on a base level.

I found this new Vlog that I am absolutely in love with. It’s called “Fathering Autism” and I’ll leave the link at the end of this post. I have been very fortunate to grow up around the intellectually and physically challenged community. I use the word challenged because I really don’t like the word disability or handicapped. To me it has such a negative connotation. My mom was a special education teacher for decades so it wasn’t abnormal for my brothers and I grow up around those kids. Also, I have an uncle and a cousin who are both intellectually challenged. I’ve spent vast amounts of time with both of them. My senior year of high school I was a TA for culinary arts and my job was to assist the special education students. This is a population of people I love working with and love being around.

Now if you’ve never been around this population of people, it’s very hard to be understanding of how they operate and I can tell you no two people are alike. Some are non verbal while some don’t ever stop talking. Some of them are savants and are very gifted and intelligent in certain topics but may not be able to do every day things we do. For example, my uncle can tell you the lay out of every major airport in the country. How many gates, what airlines fly out of it, etc etc. However he cant grasp the concept of money management. He has a stable job as a laundry attendant at a hotel and is close to retiring. But he doesn’t think about cutting his toenails. Again, it’s little things we do every day that don’t have any weight in his world.

So back to this Vlog I found. This dad, documents his daily life with his daughter, Abbie, and how the family works with his daughter being on the more severe end of the spectrum. His goal is to bring awareness to Autism and what his daughter is like. It’s really amazing. He shows the good and the bad. The wins and the meltdowns. On the last video I watched, they were on vacation and went to Dollywood. At one point his daughter was getting excited about the trolly and because she’s non verbal she flails her arms and grunts. There were three little girls in front of them that kept looking back at her and Abbie’s mom took the opportunity to explain Abbie’s Autism. The little girls mom thanked her and explained that they lived in a small town and there weren’t kids like Abbie so she appreciated the time Priscilla took to talk to them.

My whole goal of this post is to encourage people to interact with this population of people because I believe they have so much to offer us. They deserve a fair shot in our society. I’ve watched discrimination, judgement, and harassment, towards my own family over the idea that intellectually challenged individuals are stupid or less than human. If you look back at history, these individuals were considered less than human. They were locked away in asylums and institutions where they were degraded, tortured, abused, and neglected all for being different. Thankfully we don’t just lock them away anymore, but the world is still a very unforgiving place. Be kind, ask questions, and educate yourself if you don’t know something. Believe me, I know families of intellectually or physically challenged people would rather you come ask questions than stare or laugh or mock their loved one. If you every want to see one of the purest parts of our world, spend some time with these people. It will change your life.

https://www.facebook.com/FatheringAutismYouTube/

I know you’ve probably been told to be weary of the girl who is friends with the boys. As if my predisposition to athletics and masculinity permanently labels me as “slut” or “whore.” Outside of your small mind, I really have no desire to fuck every man I choose to debate on Manning or Brady for the GOAT of this generation. I feel like this loop of “we’re just friends” has become so monotonous that it would be easier to not have friends at all. I can scream “I do not want your man”, but you only hear the world’s stereotype of who you think I am.

So here’s a free lesson on who I am. I want to be his confidant when he can’t talk to you about things. Not keep secrets, but vent so the bile of his anger doesn’t cover you. I wanna shoot hoops and take shots and high five and talk about Sandy Koufax or who I think is worthy of the hall of fame. Most of all I want to support him in his relationship with you. I want to tell him to spoil you and buy flowers and treat you like a Queen. I want to smack him upside the head when he doesnt act accordingly.

I helped build the man you see before you. Hours of talks that he’d never admit to and respect that was forged from late night confessionals in dim lit bars. I wanna be a bro and my breasts should not be a factor in our friendship. My sex should not be a deal breaker because you think the fictional odds are in my favor. The line of affection and attraction seems to be blurred by your past as it spills over on to the present. The green jealousy of your fear alters your reality, making me out to be dagger that will split the seams of your relationship. But in the end I am several of the stitches and you are the one wielding the knife.

Sorry for my extended absence. I took a much needed four day weekend to NM to spend some quality time with my parental units. My parents are very much enjoying retirement and being able to come and go as they please. But I digress. Today I wanted to talk a little bit about sexual assault. Now while this is never an easy topic to discuss I think it’s something that’s become an epidemic in our society and we need to have an open dialogue about it.

Now I know sexual assault happens to both males and females but I’m going to approach this from a female point of view because, well, I’m a chick. =)

I personally have never been raped or molested or anything to that extreme nature, but it’s not something that has been absent from my life. Although they are not my stories to tell, two of my closest friends are victims of sexual assault. So I’ve heard the struggle, the anguish, the shame, etc., that they have had to deal with. It is a traumatic event. A life altering event. Granted I have been groped by strangers, harassed by men when they get rejected, etc. Not quite the same level as some things I’ve heard friends and family experiences, but it still shouldn’t happen.

I frequently think about the proactive measure I take every day as a women to protect myself. There was one time when a friend of mine and I were talking about the extreme measures we go to for everyday things we do. For example, we were discussing running/jogging. “Don’t run alone”, “Leave one headphone out”, “Don’t run at night”, “Run with a small knife or a dog”, “Don’t run in public places, go to the gym”, “Always let someone know where you’re going and when you’ll be back.” I mean that’s just one activity that we’re taught to be defensive about and it’s something so simple that shouldn’t require that level of thinking, but it happens every day. I always make sure to call someone when I walk to my car at night or pretend I’m talking to someone. I live alone so I immediately lock my door when I get home. I never get black out drunk because it makes me vulnerable and that is terrifying.

With the “Me Too” movement, I’ve wondered if there was always this presence of sexual assault in our society because there are counter arguments to this movement that women these days are overreacting or that they’re finding any way to ruin a man’s life or they’re making it up. However, if you look at rape statistics from the 1960s, the definition or rape was very broad and didnt include spousal rape. You could legally rape your wife until the late 1970s. On a positive note though, since 1993 sexual assaults have dropped by over 50%, but that 50% is from 650,000 sexual assaults per year to 325,000 per year. Still high, but its going down. I think this movement has brought about a change in our society from both men and women in the sense that it’s now safe to talk about sexual assault. Our society has started to remove that stigma of shame and victim blaming and has started to empower people to stop sexual assault before it happens.

It scares me that we are learning to raise a generation of women that have to be taught how to avoid situations that can put them in a potential sexual assault scenario. I understand people do stupid things when they’re under the influence, but I’ve been drunk and never had an impulse to sexually assault someone. We should be focusing on raising better human beings instead of raising human beings that are on the defensive constantly. In closing, if someone you care about comes to you and says they’ve been assault, believe them. Encourage them to report it. Support them and help them heal in whatever way they need to.

I was well aware from a young age that I am a handful and it would take patience, understanding, and a toughness to tame my runaway soul into becoming a permanent resident. I always felt like I was meant to be nomadic in peoples lives. As if I was meant to wander as a healer and repairer of broken hearts but never meant to unpack my bags. My bags were heavy and filled with several things I didn’t want anyone to see so once there was a question of the unpacked bags in the corner, I knew it was time to go. But from the very beginning you knew you wanted me to stay so you took it upon yourself to open the bags and put my past on the shelves and in the drawers. My eyes watched you with caution as you unpacked my life. You had questions and handled each item with care but there was no hesitation in your decision to do it. For once someone had said “stay” and for once I wanted to.