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Loving Through Hate

For those of you who don’t know, I married into a blended family. My husband has two beautiful, amazing, intelligent, and charismatic children. Even at 3 and 13, they are unique and bright individuals and I love them to death. This afternoon while at the grocery store I finally got around to picking up some things for AJ’s Easter basket since it’s something we started with him at our house and I’m not sure if his mother will get him anything since she hates Christianity. I’ve been planning to do this for about a month now because I really just want to do something nice for AJ, but as I’m walking through the store, the ever creeping voice of doubt started to come in. “You know you don’t have to buy this stuff. Keely has said so many hateful things about you. Why should you do anything for AJ when she’s just going to say it’s from her or not even say thank you?” Over and over while I’m picking out things.

It’s true. Keely has said some terrible things about me. On multiple occasions calling me a cow, a whale, really every variation of fat she can come up with. She’s said there’s a reason God made sure I couldn’t have children. She’s accused me of mistreating AJ. Shes denied me access to talking to AJ. She’s said that I’m Anthony’s “rich girlfriend” and I basically pay for everything while he lives in poverty. So on and so on.

I have so many reasons to hate her. Not just for the things she’s said about me, when she really doesn’t know me, but for the things she’s said and done to Anthony. However, at the end of the day she really doesn’t mean much to me. I mean really, I have Anthony because of what a terrible person she is and I get to love and spoil her child even though he’s not mine. Am I jealous that she was blessed with this phenomenal child that she really doesn’t care about? Ya I am, but that doesn’t affect how much I love and adore AJ and it doesn’t affect how much I pray for her.

That’s right I said it. Pray for her. Let me tell you, it’s not easy. God has woken me up in the middle of the night to pray for her. Do you know how aggravating that is? To be forced awake and have to stay awake until you pray for someone that you cannot stand? I pray for her because I want her life to get better for AJ’s sake. I want her to be a better mother. Side note: I pray for both of the children’s mothers because I want them both to be blessed and my step children to be blessed.

Believe me, it’s really easy to build up my self worth and compare myself to her. I have a college degree, I have my own car and house, I have a phenomenal job, and I have an amazing husband who adores me. Listen I may not be a skinny Minnie, but honey, I’ve been thick since the 6th grade. She’s gonna have to do better than calling me fat. But what else could she make fun of? I’m smart, educated, well employed, and apparently “rich” and live a “luxurious lifestyle.”

Now I shouldn’t do that. Thats technically being self righteous and judgmental and I don’t want to be that person. God has called me to be better than that, and that’s why I pray for her. That’s why I don’t let someone who’s a blip on my radar of self worth and wonderful life become a wave of despair and tension.

So go forth this week and love yourself. Love your kids. Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.

More Amateur Writing

Since I’ve been trying to put myself out there more, I figured I’d share another piece I started writing over a year ago. I’m not super thrilled with the beginning, but it’s a work in progress. Also, untitled. That’s one thing I struggle with is titles. But any who, without further ado, one of the first pieces I ever wrote about baby mama drama.

To the girl that kicked my man to the curb like a expired coupon she could no longer cash in:

Literally she could no longer cash in on him. The ATM read “insufficient funds” so instead of waiting for your investment to be returned, you closed your account and thought maybe you could receive a stimulus you didnt earn. Like maybe after the account was closed, you’re debit card might still work.

You are what I would noramlly call a lost soul, but I’ve had my experience with lost souls and you are not one of them. They are at least redeemable. If anything you are a originator of the emptiness to those in your life but you think you are the healer to bring the end to their pain so you squeeze harder and harder thinking you’re stopping the bleeding.

In reality you are suffocating them. Ok second thought let’s say you got burned by his blazing free spirit and there was a chance you could justify the wickedness that poured from your mouth. However, you seemed to like the sear your skin made against his fire because you’ve never felt genuine warmth before so you refused to pull away. You poked and prodded hoping to burn him down faster and you didn’t care if you went down in flames too. I would compare your mouth to gasoline but it’s more like a blow torch you’ve permanently ignited and you can’t quite figure out how to turn it off so you’ve go around setting people on fire because you think if they are turned to ash they’ll finally be at your eye line. Then you would no longer need to drag other’s to your level.