christianity

Be The One

Last week in church, we finished our final section of our study called “For The One.” This is a rebranding for our church, as before our slogan was “For the Basin” referencing the Permian Basin, for those readers that aren’t familiar with west Texas. This study had five areas we want to exemplify as Christians:

  • Follow the One
  • Reach the One
  • Serve the One
  • Gather as One
  • Be the One

Each week we studied one of these areas and learned the importance of each of these areas and how they are fundamental to not only the church, but to our individual walks with God. Sundays final lesson, “Be the One” focused on spiritual maturity and how we obtain spiritual maturity. Our pastor, Jeremiah, spoke about what spiritual maturity is and what it is not. It’s not really like Jeremiah to call anyone out, but he was a bit more fiery than usual.

He told us spiritual maturity isn’t about how long you’ve been a Christian, how much Bible knowledge you have, how elevated your morality is, or how deeply spiritual you are. This touched on so many issues we have in the church today. Things that deter new Christians from finding their sense of belonging within the church. Statements like “well I’ve been here for X amount of years so I know what’s best” or “I go to church so I’m clearly a better person than they are.” “I raise my hands and worship more openly so I clearly have a better connection with God” or “WELL ACTUALLY the Bible says blah blah blah.” I’m sure all of us at some point have heard something along these lines. We’ve all heard something that has made us feel inferior in our faith walk.

I think in today’s society we’ve become stuck in what’s called the bystander effect. This term was coined when a Kitty Genovese was being attacked and sexually assaulted outside her apartment complex. After her murder, police found that 38 people witnessed the violent attack, yet no one called the police or even went to help her. Majority of people said “I thought someone else would call/help her.” The attacker was detoured twice by lights coming on in the building but ultimately returned to Kitty for a third time to stab her to death. This is why during emergency situations, with any sort of training (CPR, EMT, etc) you are trained to point to one person and instruct them to call the police because in theory, most people will assume someone else will do it. If you elect one single person to call it eliminates varying stories about the events as well as the inaction of every person present.

How many times in our lives do we refuse to help someone we see suffering or struggling in life because we assume that someone else is going to do it? We’ve become a world of “not my problem.” I can tell you I’ve lost people in my life because all of us thought “not my problem, someone else will help them.” Even outside the realm of religion and spirituality, being “The One” for someone could save them. Being that one person who takes the time to show love and compassion to someone who is stuck or hurt could result in a single defining moment that changes everything for them. We need to ask ourselves every time we hesitate “If not me, then who?” Most of the time, there is not another “who.”

Our life is made up of small moments. Singular interactions where we only have minutes to change the path someone is going down. So step out of your comfort zone and reach out to someone the next time you feel that inkling that they’re needing someone to be their one.

40 Days in the Wilderness

First and foremost, I’d like to apologize to my inattentiveness to this blog as well as to my dedicated readers. The last few months have been hectic emotionally and physically. In late May/early June, I found myself pregnant for the third time. Unfortunately around the 6 week mark, my numbers were still not going up like they should and my doctor suspected an ectopic pregnancy. For those that do not know what that means, it is when the fertilized egg gets stuck in the fallopian tube and continues to grow slowly. This can be extremely dangerous if not caught early because the egg growth can cause the tube to rupture, which can result in tube and ovary loss as well as death due to internal bleeding. After I had a ultrasound, it was confirmed that it was indeed ectopic and I was put on medical restriction to reduce the risk of rupture. To treat an ectopic pregnancy they give you three shots in your hip of methotrexate, which is a chemo medication. It essentially attacks growing cells within the body and dissolves the tissue. Upon taking this medication I had to sign paperwork saying I wouldnt try to get pregnant for three months, I wouldn’t exercise until I’m released from restriction, and that I wouldnt smoke or consume alcohol for the next two weeks because until I had a negative pregnancy test, I was still at risk of rupture and another pregnancy could result in tubule rupture. It would be easy to say that this was devastating, but my real heartbreak would come two weeks later when my OB informed me she didn’t think I would have a chance of successful pregnancy because of this ectopic pregnancy and that the procedure to check my tubes was about $1500 out of pocket. She recommended IVF to avoid another ectopic pregnancy and nothing else.

I spent the rest of my vacation to Montana crying and being upset about this news. I couldn’t even really enjoy having AJ for the first week because all I could think about was how expensive IVF is and even if we looked at adoption, that was expensive too. Hopeless is the best word I could use to describe myself at this moment. Especially looking at my beautiful step son. How was is possible that at 27, in semi decent health, I was unable to have my own baby, but I had to share a child I loved with a woman who really didnt love him as a mother should? Following up with an infertility specialist would be a current dead end as well. The minimum cost for exploratory surgery was $2700 and that was just to determine if there was an issue. That does not go to the actual cost of IVF. The doctors appointment alone was $200 upfront no insurance option available.

As we started our summer my mother surprised me with a book, as she is custom to doing. “The 40-Day Social Media Fast.” It was a 40 day devotional study that took you completely off social media for 40 days in order to grow your relationship with God. No facebook, twitter, instagram, tik tok, etc., etc. Normally I would’ve rolled my eyes at it, but my husband made a comment he didn’t think I could do it, so of course I had to rise to the occasion. As I started this journey, I found myself detoxing hard. I was grabbing my phone just to fidget. I would even scroll through my photos just to be on my phone. I wasn’t so concerned with the world, but I didn’t have anything to keep my attention. I found myself reaching for my phone at the slightest inconvenience or down moment I had. As I got further and further into this fast, I realized how truly dependent I was on my phone for everything and how much I was missing by looking down constantly. Time with God, with my husband, with my child, and with myself were lacking largely. I found myself having time to sit and play with AJ. I had time to read a book. I had time to pray and send quality time with God. The weeks went by I became more convicted about other distractions I had on my phone. Online games was one of my biggest convictions. Anytime I had more than a couple minutes I was opening a game on my phone. Even if I was laying in bed with my husband after a long day, I was opening my phone instead of spending time with him. Instead of playing with my child, I was playing on my phone.

I made a decision that I was done being chained to this small box and giving it my attention when my attention was due in other places. I wanted to focus on making memories and enjoying my life in concordance with God and my duties as a wife and step mom. I was tried of zoning out and filling my mind with stuff that wasn’t going to matter in the long run. It didnt matter how many likes I got on a picture or how many people thought I was funny. I wanted to stop my need for validation from everyone else and concern myself with the only validation I need; God’s validation.

After 40 days, I made the conscious decision to keep all social media platforms off my phone. Apart from Facebook Messenger and Pinterest, you wont find any “social media” apps on my phone. I went back and forth on deleting entirely, but the devotionals in my book made a point to talk about how social media isn’t bad when used in the right way or in moderation. Facebook has given my a platform to share my story of grace as well as keep in touch with people I would have no way of knowing about outside of that. However, I wanted to remove myself from the gossip and drama and envy that accompanies such platforms. I’ve allotted myself to checking a maximum of once a day from a computer and just to check notifications and any posts on our prayer support group. No scrolling or snooping. The people I want in my life have my number and I’m invested in the things that matter most.

Life is too short and too precious to remain glued to your phone every waking minute of every day. Look up and connect with those around you and enjoy the moments that are passing you by.

The Chosen

I’ve been wanting to write this post for a couple weeks, but honestly I have been waiting for my obsession with this show to die down. News Flash: it hasn’t! If you haven’t heard of The Chosen it is a biblical narrative of the gospels. It’s based on the book The Chosen which was written by the same author as The Left Behind Series. Jerry Jenkins, the author, developed a background and plot line for the characters of the gospels based off of the Bible. It gives depth and humanity to the stories we have heard in the New Testament. Its described as “Seeing Jesus through the eyes of those who knew Him.”

A few weeks ago we watched this clip from this show at church and it featured the story of Jesus meeting the Samaritan women at the well. In this scene we see dialog that isn’t written in the Bible, to which of course my Bible College husband immediately remarked “this isn’t Biblically accurate.” However, there was this beautiful moment where I really felt like this was a portrayal of Jesus that I had felt in my heart for years and I was finally seeing him on a screen. This kind, gentle, forgiving, and compassion man who came to save those that others condemned. A couple weeks later, Anthony and I decided to start watching. Little to our knowledge, season 1 was already done and season 2 was starting. As soon as we started, I couldn’t get enough. I wanted so much more, not only of Jesus, but of the other characters. I wanted more of Simon’s arrogance, more of Matthew’s growth, and more of Mary’s redemption, among so many others.

I watched an interview today with the director of The Chosen and he discussed the views and beliefs of the project because they have been met with a lot of criticism, as you can imagine. Dallas talked about how their crew is from a large variety of belief systems, some even none believers, and how their goal is to give life to the characters of the Bible. They arent a domination or non-profit organization. They aren’t adding to the Bible or replacing it because it needs no improvement, but adding cultural and historical background to the characters we already know. They are creating a show that is inspired by the Bible. They aren’t saying their show is the word of God, but they want to give the world a new, personal look at Jesus and the relationship with people. They aren’t trying to convert anyone or force anyone to change their beliefs. They have Evangelicals, Mormons, Catholics, Jews, and so many others creating this show. They believe that this is a calling for their life and that they are to take extreme care with the content.

One reason I’ve fallen so in love with this show is the portrayal of Jesus. So often in religion we forget that Jesus became fully man. We forget that he had family and friends and most Biblical shows or movies portray him as this stoic deity and remove the humanity from him. Don’t get me wrong, Jesus was fully God and fully man, but I have a hard time believing he came to this earth and from birth had no emotional connection with anyone and just came here to die and be resurrected. The Bible talks about how Jesus knows how we feel. When we mourn, he mourns with us. When we’re joyful, he rejoices with us. So when I see a show with Jesus making jokes at his disciples, or teaching children, or showing his mother love, I can’t help but feel pride. Like “Yes this is the Jesus I have fallen so deeply in love with and now everyone gets to see it!” And I know Jonathan Roumie isn’t Jesus, but I believe the script and team have been truly blessed with this project.

They have an app where you can check out all episodes of the show. They are also available on YouTube and Facebook. Or if you’re a reader you can also check out the book at https://thechosengifts.com/collections/apparel. I normally dont push for anyone to do anything, but this show is something special and I’m literally counting the days till the next episode. They are releasing them as they make them so we don’t have to wait 6 months between seasons. Granted we have to wait a couple of weeks between episodes instead of a week at a time, but I can live with it.

Sitting with Grief

I’d be lying if I said this hasnt been a tough week. For some reason, my depression has decided to rear it’s ugly head and I’ve been slipping into a deep rut. I think it’s mostly due to the fact that I can feel my period coming. For those of you that this is your first time reading my blog or we arent friends on Facebook, last month I suffered my second miscarriage in 4 months. So the return of my period was another ugly reminder that I am no longer pregnant and for those that have never experienced a miscarriage, the period after is usually extremely painful, which is what I’m dealing with today as I right this. Most days, I’ve come to terms with the losses we have suffered, but unfortunately I am not super human and grief does not disappear. Grief is everlasting and anyone that’s lost someone they love knows that there are some days that are easy and other days when the hurt of losing them is so immense that you cant even get out of bed. No matter how much time goes by, days, weeks, months, or decades, you still miss them.

Now I know for some people, missing someone I only had for 6 weeks may seem like a bit much. I didnt get to hold them or feel them move inside me, but both of them were my children. They both were alive and they both were loved beyond measure. For months I’ve been fighting this battle of self blame and even though I didnt want to admit it, God blaming. Day after day I see my friends and family having babies, raising children, and I cant help but ask “Why do I not get to do that too?” I’ve been racking my brain with the question of what did I do that was deserving of having not one, but two babies, taken from me? Because I whole heartedly believe that God does not do anything out of malice, so it must be me right? I must have been the one to incur this punishment and cause the loss of my unborn children.

Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your point of view, my husband has a preacher personality. For those of you that have never met Anthony, one thing you need to know is that he is passionate about three things. God, our marriage, and his children. It used to be America too, but over the last year that has dwindled a bit. By passionate, I mean he is on fire for Jesus. So much that I would say that 95% of his talking time is spent talking about the Gospel. So while I’m sitting there, soaking in my misery because that’s what I do when I’m depressed, he’s trying to revive my spirit. Now anyone that knows me, knows I need to sit with my feelings and process them, but I think we both knew I had been sitting there for too long. I’m sitting there, literally crying, and poor Anthony is trying to get to the heart of what my issue is. He’s talking and I’m just numbingly crying and nodding my head. He finally comes and sits in front of me and asks when my devotional time with God stopped. I said probably Christmas when the kids were here, to which he points out that was when I had my first miscarriage. He told me that it’s okay to be angry at God for what happened. It’s okay to ask him why because can handle the anger and the questions. However, I shouldn’t let my feelings take me away from God. In times of hurting I need to turn to God. Lastly, he points out that it’s also not my fault for the miscarriages and I dont need to let that thought continue in my head. This whole time, I have said maybe 4 words and he had exactly the right words for my hurting heart.

I will be 100% honest and tell you that I did not want to hear any of this in the moment. Or I should say my depression didn’t want to hear any of this especially the parts about letting my internal voice tell me that I don’t need God or that I’m worthless and alone. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but it was definitely something I needed to hear. I’ve been praying to God over the last couple of days to provide me with comfort and peace. Last night I had a dream and in this dream, I had a baby boy who was about 10 months old. Honestly, he was the cutest, happiest thing I had ever seen. And a chunky little thing. Y’all he looked so much like a perfect mix of myself and Anthony. Dirty blonde hair, blue eyes, this biggest toothiest grin, and unfortunately Daugherty head (that means large and round for anyone outside my family, my dad calls it the pumpkin head). I cant tell you if this was a glimpse into the future or just God giving me a moment of peace, but it was wonderful. I held that little boy and loved on him for as long as I could. So much that when I woke up 20 minutes before my alarm that I fought so hard to get back there for just one more minute. I woke up this morning feeling a new sense of peace in my life and thankful for what I have and whatever other things I am blessed with.

The Nones

This past week in She-Tribe, our teacher gave us some statistics on “none-religious” individuals. About 20-25% of the U.S. population mark “none” when asked about their religious affiliation. This generally means that they dont really consider themselves an atheist, but dont really consider themselves Christian or any other religion. We usually see the tagline “spiritual, but not religious.” They believe in something, even if they dont have a label for what that something is. The highest age group in the “nones” is millennials, or people born 1981-1996.

This really hit home for me. Up until last year, this was me. And I totally get it. I didnt want that label of “Christian” because so many things have happened within the church and so many things that have happened to myself and people I love that “Christian” had a negative connotation and I did not want that negativity put on me. I explained this to my Bible study group, which is all women over like 60 and it’s my favorite thing ever because I’m the only young person in the group. I explained that I think the reason most people my age don’t want to identify as Christian is because at some point we have been made to feel unwelcomed by the church or people we love have been persecuted by the church. I say “the church” because I believe, unfortunately, because this is such a widespread problem, the church is responsible. The fact that we can talk about this and it can resonant with majority of people means it’s a problem. My ladies whole heartedly agreed and we discussed how the love is missing from the church today and that we as Christians are responsible for that.

I think if you ask majority of most Christians why more people don’t come to church, they will tell you it’s because they’re sinful and don’t want to change their lifestyle. I would consider this partially true, but I think a big part of it is that people don’t want to come to a place where they don’t feel welcome. I wrote a post a few weeks ago about the love that is missing from the church. Christians are supposed to be known by their love for people. Jesus literally let a prostitute wash his feet and people are worried about a gay person sitting next to them in church. Believe me, if Jesus walked into some of y’alls church, he would be ashamed and embarrassed. Now I don’t say that to shame anyone because I am one of those people. I’ve turned my nose up at people, judged people, gossiped about people, etc., that came into my church. I was and still am self-righteous at times and I think that is because I misunderstood the meaning of the “better life” Jesus gave me. I thought it made me better than those that didnt have Jesus in their lives. In reality, it doesnt make me better than anyone.

Human beings are garbage. No matter how good someone acts or how many good deeds they do, deep down they are terrible people. I mean if you strip humanity down to their base instincts, they will do whatever they have to do to survive. Now we may not be killing each other for resources (yet), but we still do things to rise above others and a lot of the time, we hurt others to get ahead in life. Even as children, we lie or make up things about our peers so others don’t like them. I can tell you in elementary school, we had one girl that we bullied mercilessly. We played this game called “Brooke germs” and if she touched you, you had to touch someone else and pass the germs along and you tried to avoid getting touched by her. Now this wasnt like one or two kids that played this “game.” This was the entire grade. That shit makes me sick to my stomach to think about how unnecessarily mean we were to her and for what? To fit in? To get laughs? I was raised in a kind home, my parents didnt bully people, so why the hell did I think it was funny to torment this girl? She didnt do anything to me or provoke me in any way.

I know a lot of people will say that they were never like that or that they were bullied, but we’ve all done it. To siblings, to peers, to spouses, to parents, to coworkers, etc. The list goes on and on. No one is kind all the time. Even if it’s from the privacy of our homes or behind our phone screens, we are awful people. That is where the church fails. They lose the mentality that they too are sinners. They stop telling people that they struggle too. They stop being convicted and start convicting others. On Easter Sunday, we watched a sermon by Pastor Rod Parsley and he talked about how in most churches today only 5% of the people that attend are really saved and really get it. I think that’s part of the problem. So many people, including myself, have become subscribers of Jesus, and not genuine followers of Jesus. We like the ideas of being a Christian and playing the part of Christian, but it’s more of an insurance policy and it makes us feel special. We want to do just enough to get in God’s good graces and honestly, that’s where we are failing the world as Christians. We’re showing others that this is what it takes to be a “Christian” and we’re doing a disservice to them and to God. We are actively misrepresenting who Jesus is, which is ultimately pushing people away from him.

Well that’s my soapbox for the week. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and my inbox is always open for any questions or discussion you may want to have.

Modern Day Christianity

One thing I’ve discovered through reconnecting with my faith is that there is a severe disdain for the Christian community. I can fully admit that I was one of these people at one point. I had a hard time wanting to claim the title of Christian because of what I assumed it stood for. Having a gay brother, and other friends within the LGBTQ+ community, made it really hard for me to want to be part of an organized faith that “hates gay people.” Or “hates everyone who’s not Christian.” I’ve had friends that were told they weren’t welcomed at church because of how they look or where they work. So I get it. No one likes to be told they are “sinning” or “going to hell” for being themselves and I don’t mean that in the way that being gay is an unforgivable sin or this unholy thing.

I fully believe in my heart that God loves all his creations and that none of us are better than the other. Honestly, by the Bible’s view, we’re all terrible people. We all do things that are immoral, even outside the what the Bible says. I know that we all, including me, have encountered people within religion that made them feel like they couldn’t have a relationship with God because of something they did or said. Women who have had abortions, divorced couples, LGBTQ+ individuals, smokers, drinkers, drug users, promiscuous people, tattooed and pierced people, people of different races and ethnicities, single parents, depressed people, etc. We all have had someone make us feel like we are not welcome in a church.

I’ll be the first to tell you, I’m not a good person. I’ve lied, cheated, hurt people I care about, judged people, been spiteful, been arrogant, been hateful, among so many other things. On a daily basis, I say and do things that aren’t seen as holy in God’s eyes. I think this is something Christians tend to lose sight of when ministering to others. They forget that they themselves are not worth of God’s love. No one is. This self-righteous reputation the Christian community has obtained has stopped us from reaching so many people. The approach of shaming people in hopes that they will want to seek out God, isnt working. The Christian community cries and complains that the world is such a sinful, terrible place today, but they miss the part where Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself. Love. Not tolerate your neighbor, not ignore your neighbor, not judge your neighbor, and not persecute your neighbor. Love God and love people.

Last night in our Married Life class we learned about being ambassadors for Christ. An ambassador is a person who acts as a representative to a foreign country. What kind of representatives are we if people think we hate them? If you have one chance with someone to teach them about your God, are you going to spend that time telling them how terrible they are and that they are going to Hell or are you going to spend your time telling them how much love and peace God has to offer them and how God will meet them where they are? I’m not sure when the church decided to take the fire and brimstone tactic, I’m gonna guess in the era of Billy Graham and televangelism, but somewhere in that message there stopped being a follow up of what’s good about having a relationship with God. It became about scarring people into being Christians. Now don’t get me wrong, Hell is very real and we should be scared of going there, but loyalty made out of fear isn’t loyalty, it’s extortion. God doesn’t want a relationship based on fear. God is a just God and he does hold us accountable for our disobedience, but sending Jesus to die for us was about love. The cross is a bridge for us to get to Jesus and its an elective journey. You cant push or pull people and you also can’t decide who does and doesnt get to cross the bridge. You cant sell tickets and you cant make promises on someone’s eternity. You tell them why they should cross bridge and what is waiting on the other side, but we are not responsible for forcing people to join our way of thinking. A relationship with God is a garden. You have to plant the seed and sometimes you’re the one that gets to water it. Sometimes someone else waters it and reaps the harvest, but you cant drown your seed and hope it will grow faster.

This isnt me, standing on a soapbox, crying “oh the Christians get persecuted more than anyone else today.” That will never be me because in ancient Rome they fed Christians to the lions for fun and Christians in other parts of the world are murdered or jailed for what they believe. They meet in underground rooms and in secret not out of shame, but out of fear from their government. There are missionaries in war zones that make a daily decision to serve God even though they could die for it. Yet in the United States, we think we’re persecuted? We think because someone doesnt agree with us or there’s movement to make things inclusive that we’re being attacked for our faith? Peter was literally crucified for preaching the word of God and we are so easily offended if someone doesn’t believe in God or mocks us or says something hurtful to us. What are we doing in response to that? Are we living the example of “love your neighbors and pray for those who persecute you?” Or are we reacting out of malice and hate? Jesus said “If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.” It’s that simple.

For anyone that’s felt the call to have a relationship with God, but has felt rejected by the church, please know that not all Christians are like that. Majority of us are not like that. I can’t answer for God or speak on his behalf about why certain things are in the Bible or anything like that, but I can tell you that since I’ve actively had a relationship with God and chosen to seek him first, my life has become substantially better. I’m not saying I don’t struggle because I do. I have my moments of anxiety, depression, anger, self hate, etc. However, I no longer sit in those feelings thinking I can fix them myself or fix them through alcohol or with another human being’s help. I’ve found a level of comfort and support that no human being has ever been able to give me. That’s not to slight anyone in my life because I’ve had amazing support from my spouse and friends and family members, but having a spiritual force higher than myself that knows my hurt and knows everything about me yet still chooses to have a relationship with me brings me more joy and comfort than I could ever imagine.

This piece is not meant in anyone to preach at people, but to extend the hand that we are supposed to be as Christians. Anthony will tell anyone that I’m the “love everyone” type person and that is true, but that’s because God has always given me a heart for the lost and the broken. My mom will tell you, she and I always attract the odd ones, the left one ones, the broken ones, and anyone else that is lost and I believe that’s because that is something seriously lacking in our world. I always say “be the change you want to see in the world” and I try to live up to that every day. There’s a lot of hate and division in our world and honestly it’s perpetuated by both sides or every side. Everyone thinks that everyone hates them and so they need to respond back with hate. We cannot atone for the sins of our ancestors nor can we make amends for things we have not done. All we can do is wake up every day and make the conscious decision to love people despite how they look, how they act, where they are from, who they voted for, what they have done, and who they love.

More Unsolicited Relationship Advice

Recently, I’ve been spending a lot of time, well both of us really, reading and researching couples building and strengthening our relationship as much as possible. Sometimes I think it’s overkill because it seems like we’re both always seeking out tools and books and studies to help us understand each other. It started with Love and Respect and has now grown to things like The 5 Love Languages, Praying for Him/Her, and several Bible studies about growing your relationship/marriage in the way God intended it. If you meet me and Anthony, we seem like a pretty happy couple, which we are, but we’ve both been in relationships where it was pretty happy on the outside but really unhappy on the inside. We want to make sure our inside is more genuinely happy than the outside because at the end of the day, it is only you and your spouse and the outside world doesn’t matter. If the outside world does matter, then you need to reevaluate your relationship. That’s not to say that outside forces don’t influence your relationship because they do. In-laws, friends, jobs, money, kids, etc., all can influence your relationship, but when you go to bed at night, those things are there (except maybe the kids).

I’ll be honest, in my first marriage, my in-laws influenced my relationship a lot. I never really felt accepted into their family except by a couple of my sister in-laws and even that took a lot of time and effort. I would literally have terrible anxiety about going to visit them because I felt like they didn’t like me and they blamed me for us moving to Texas. I think this really affected my ex husband a lot because everyone wants their family to like the person they’re with. I don’t know for sure, but I feel like my divorce probably was almost good news to them. Because my parents really reached out and wanted to know how they could help and if they could offer support that would help my ex husband and I work through our issues, but nothing like that came from the other side, at least not to me. However that is just my opinion. I could be off base. It does happen. This has also moved into my new relationship. I’ve always worried about what my future in-laws think about me and if they genuinely like me because I know I can come off as distant or stand offish but that’s just me as a person. Especially since they really loved the previous ex girlfriend and I am 100% not like her. I think Anthony has the same issue with my family because really loved my ex husband and they aren’t similar either.

I think for Anthony and I, we both knew we were coming into this relationship with some baggage and we wanted to combat that as much as possible. Not pretend that it wasn’t there, but be able to handle it and heal in a healthy way. Believe me, the honeymoon bubble is fun, but eventually you have to come back to the real world where people do have kids and there are bills to pay and exes to deal with. I also think with both of us getting back into our faith and Anthony going to seminary school, we wanted to be equipped to handle the speed bumps in a way where we honored God and our relationship. We’ve both tried to do things our way and every other way, but even in the short time it’s taken us to work through Love and Respect our relationship has become so much more laid back. We still have our tiffs, most of which I’m gonna blame on Anthony (just kidding), but we’re not having blow up fights like we used to. We save those for every few months and even those last less than a day. In reality, the time we do have disputes is when one of us says something and the other person takes it the wrong way or misinterprets what was said. It goes both ways because men and women definitely don’t hear and see things the same. When I ask Anthony his opinion on something and he says “I don’t care, whatever you want” (everyone women’s favorite phrase) I tend to take that as hurtful because I wouldn’t ask him if I didnt value his opinion. In reality, he just wants me to pick whatever I want because it’ll make me happy and most of the time he really doesn’t have an opinion so he doesnt want to pick or say the wrong thing. I’ve come to the very real understanding that men just don’t care about the same things women care about and that’s legit, okay. He’s learned I’m not gonna get excited about tools and I’ve learned he’s not going to get excited about the make up I buy.

Much like if you have a relationship with God, you can’t have doors in your relationship that are “off limits.” You have to be able to talk about things. Things in the past, present, and future. I know that’s hard for a lot of people, and it took me and Anthony some work to get to that place with each other. Anthony is a very self sufficient person and by that I mean, he’s really just taken care of his own problems his whole life. He’s very resilient and has never really relied on anyone for help because when he has, they’ve let him down. So you can imagine, for someone like me who wants to help and nurture and fix things, meeting someone who doesnt open up, has been the test of a lifetime. Patience has been the name of the game. However, the time I put in to earn his trust was worth every second. I’ve very privileged that he does open up to me about things, and much like the “I don’t care” from him, he’s had to learn that when he opens up to me, I give him advice on how to fix and it’s not meant in a way to belittle the issues he’s having.

I’m not an expert on relationships, not even close. I’m not saying you need to have God in your life to have a good relationship, because some people are happy and together for years without God. That’s just what has impacted my relationship in a really amazing way. If you can be aware of yourself and your short comings and how to fix them for the betterment of your relationship, you’re already half way to the smoothish sailing. I will preach that till the day I die. You cannot be with another person if you think you’re perfect or if think you can make someone else accept your baggage without any question and then the piles of luggage can just hangout in your living room for the rest of the relationship. You have to unpack it with your spouse and let them see the real you, scars and all.