First and foremost, I’d like to apologize to my inattentiveness to this blog as well as to my dedicated readers. The last few months have been hectic emotionally and physically. In late May/early June, I found myself pregnant for the third time. Unfortunately around the 6 week mark, my numbers were still not going up like they should and my doctor suspected an ectopic pregnancy. For those that do not know what that means, it is when the fertilized egg gets stuck in the fallopian tube and continues to grow slowly. This can be extremely dangerous if not caught early because the egg growth can cause the tube to rupture, which can result in tube and ovary loss as well as death due to internal bleeding. After I had a ultrasound, it was confirmed that it was indeed ectopic and I was put on medical restriction to reduce the risk of rupture. To treat an ectopic pregnancy they give you three shots in your hip of methotrexate, which is a chemo medication. It essentially attacks growing cells within the body and dissolves the tissue. Upon taking this medication I had to sign paperwork saying I wouldnt try to get pregnant for three months, I wouldn’t exercise until I’m released from restriction, and that I wouldnt smoke or consume alcohol for the next two weeks because until I had a negative pregnancy test, I was still at risk of rupture and another pregnancy could result in tubule rupture. It would be easy to say that this was devastating, but my real heartbreak would come two weeks later when my OB informed me she didn’t think I would have a chance of successful pregnancy because of this ectopic pregnancy and that the procedure to check my tubes was about $1500 out of pocket. She recommended IVF to avoid another ectopic pregnancy and nothing else.

I spent the rest of my vacation to Montana crying and being upset about this news. I couldn’t even really enjoy having AJ for the first week because all I could think about was how expensive IVF is and even if we looked at adoption, that was expensive too. Hopeless is the best word I could use to describe myself at this moment. Especially looking at my beautiful step son. How was is possible that at 27, in semi decent health, I was unable to have my own baby, but I had to share a child I loved with a woman who really didnt love him as a mother should? Following up with an infertility specialist would be a current dead end as well. The minimum cost for exploratory surgery was $2700 and that was just to determine if there was an issue. That does not go to the actual cost of IVF. The doctors appointment alone was $200 upfront no insurance option available.

As we started our summer my mother surprised me with a book, as she is custom to doing. “The 40-Day Social Media Fast.” It was a 40 day devotional study that took you completely off social media for 40 days in order to grow your relationship with God. No facebook, twitter, instagram, tik tok, etc., etc. Normally I would’ve rolled my eyes at it, but my husband made a comment he didn’t think I could do it, so of course I had to rise to the occasion. As I started this journey, I found myself detoxing hard. I was grabbing my phone just to fidget. I would even scroll through my photos just to be on my phone. I wasn’t so concerned with the world, but I didn’t have anything to keep my attention. I found myself reaching for my phone at the slightest inconvenience or down moment I had. As I got further and further into this fast, I realized how truly dependent I was on my phone for everything and how much I was missing by looking down constantly. Time with God, with my husband, with my child, and with myself were lacking largely. I found myself having time to sit and play with AJ. I had time to read a book. I had time to pray and send quality time with God. The weeks went by I became more convicted about other distractions I had on my phone. Online games was one of my biggest convictions. Anytime I had more than a couple minutes I was opening a game on my phone. Even if I was laying in bed with my husband after a long day, I was opening my phone instead of spending time with him. Instead of playing with my child, I was playing on my phone.

I made a decision that I was done being chained to this small box and giving it my attention when my attention was due in other places. I wanted to focus on making memories and enjoying my life in concordance with God and my duties as a wife and step mom. I was tried of zoning out and filling my mind with stuff that wasn’t going to matter in the long run. It didnt matter how many likes I got on a picture or how many people thought I was funny. I wanted to stop my need for validation from everyone else and concern myself with the only validation I need; God’s validation.

After 40 days, I made the conscious decision to keep all social media platforms off my phone. Apart from Facebook Messenger and Pinterest, you wont find any “social media” apps on my phone. I went back and forth on deleting entirely, but the devotionals in my book made a point to talk about how social media isn’t bad when used in the right way or in moderation. Facebook has given my a platform to share my story of grace as well as keep in touch with people I would have no way of knowing about outside of that. However, I wanted to remove myself from the gossip and drama and envy that accompanies such platforms. I’ve allotted myself to checking a maximum of once a day from a computer and just to check notifications and any posts on our prayer support group. No scrolling or snooping. The people I want in my life have my number and I’m invested in the things that matter most.

Life is too short and too precious to remain glued to your phone every waking minute of every day. Look up and connect with those around you and enjoy the moments that are passing you by.