intimacy

Follow Up: Sexual Intimacy

This week, as I’ve been pondering over my previous post about sexual intimacy in relationships, I released a very important point that I failed to mention. While sexual release is very important health wise for men, this does not mean the woman has to just lay there and let him do his thing. I was thinking about it in my head and was like “Katie you sound like the women shouldnt get anything out of the actual act of sex” and believe me that is not my view at all. My main point was that sex is very different for men and women and they get different things out of it. Believe me, I know that sex is a process for women. Unfortunately, God did not create us with 0 to 60 in 5 seconds arousal like men. For those of you who don’t know, women need more than a few strokes to get them to the peak of climax. It’s a journey and I know sometimes men don’t really want to take the time for that. However, men (and women) and I would highly advise you to have a realistic talk to your partner about what works for them and what certainly does not. Sex should be enjoyable for both participants. I’ve found a lot of the time, old habits die hard and a lot of men 1. dont realize not all women/vaginas are the same, and 2. they were never really properly taught because no one ever took the time.

Now I’m not saying every man is incompetent in the realm of women’s sexual pleasure, but the ones I’ve met that are have taken the time to ask their partners what they want and actually listen. I would not presume to write exactly what to do that would make your woman happy because again, every women is different and enjoys different things. Sex is important for both parties and both people should enjoy it. I’ve been in relationships where I dreaded having sex because it was all about what made my partner feel good and never really about what made me feel good. I had a boyfriend that was really good at foreplay but when we got to actual intercourse it was 2 minutes of “jackhammering” me while he poured sweat like he had just run a marathon and then it ended with him giving up and not being able to ejaculate. Now is that entirely his fault? Yes and no, but as a grown man he would ask me “did you cum?” and to this day, I wonder if he just thought that’s what it was supposed to take? Maybe he had a girlfriend that enjoyed that, I dont know, but not once did he ask me if I liked it. I’m sorry if you’re a man reading this and starting to question if you’re good in bed, because that is definitely not my end game with this post.

My end game is to open the line of communication between partners. Because in your life, fulfillment comes when you and your partner are on the same page. When you feel safe and comfortable enough to come to your partner and say “hey that doesnt feel good for me” or “hey can we try this.” Disclaimer: you don’t have to try everything your partner suggests because I know there are instances where some partners take advantage of their partners openness, but if you partner gives suggestions on how to pleasure them better, men and women, hear them out. Do it with a loving tone and not a “your an incompetent moron” tone. And from the other side, do not take it personal. You cannot ask for open communication and then be hurt when they are open about it. That’s for everything, not just sex. If you want open communication and want your partner to be able to come to you with anything, you need to practice being receptive to what they’re communicating.

One example Love and Respect gives is husbands struggling with pornography. Wives want their husbands to have eyes only for them, but pornography is a real problem in a lot of relationships and, in my opinion, a lot of men don’t come forward and ask for help because they are 1. ashamed, and 2. afraid of how their wives are going to react. So instead of asking for help and support they hide their addiction until it ruins their marriage. As a woman, I understand how harsh we can be as a sex. It’s the same reason your husband usually doesnt ask for help with things because we tend to have a “I told you so” or “I’m always right” mentality. Keep that in mind when your husband comes to you to talk or asks you for something because if you are harsh or scold him like a child, he’ll shut down and then you wont get anything out of him. That’s my soap box for the night. Communication and openness.

Sexual Intimacy is a Win-Win

Earlier this week, Anthony and I were discussing a blog post he wanted to create about porn addiction. I made a comment about he should include a women’s view, which would be from me. He said it wasn’t really that type of post. It was more of a “man up and stop watching porn” type post. So I said maybe I’d right a counter part to his post. If you haven’t checked out his blog, please do. Biblethumpingjesusfreak.com

I was contemplating how to approach this because porn and sex are very very VERY different for women than for men. Then, as I’m reading my Love and Respect book (highly recommended) I come to a chapter about sexual intimacy in marriage. I call that coincidence a God Wink. The second half of this book is split into a wife section and husband section and they discuss values your partner has and how to best support those values. For things men value they use the acronym C.H.A.I.R.S.

  • Conquest
  • Hierarchy
  • Authority
  • Insight
  • Relationship
  • Sexuality

Now I will be candid and say that sexuality is not an area Anthony and I typically struggle in and I think it’s because I had a pretty good understanding of the male value of sex prior to us being together. However, in my encounters with married men in the past, I can say this seems to be an area a lot women struggle in and, for lack of a better term, weaponize against their husbands. I would never dismiss someones actions of cheating on their spouse, but when men cheat, it’s because they are not having their needs met at home. Sometimes the wife is doing it consciously and sometimes it’s unconsciously. Not just the physical sexual needs, but the emotional need they receive from sex. As women, we don’t feel the anatomical need for sex as men do. Granted, it’s fun for us too, but men biologically need sex.

Truly, ask your man how they feel when they don’t have sex or even masturbate for a week, a month, etc. I bet he will tell you, it physically hurts him and messes with his emotional stability. That is exactly what this chapter talks about. Depriving your husband of sex because you’re unhappy with him and feel he doesn’t meet your emotional needs. How it causes him distress and makes him pull away from you as a partner. Think about it. When your man sees you come out of the shower, his brain automatically goes into turned on mode. He can’t help it. He shouldn’t be punished for finding you physically attractive, because in reality that should be what he does. In all the places he could seek sexual stimulation (porn, other women, masturbation), why would you want to punish him for seeking it with you?

Ladies we’ve all done it. “If he thinks he’s gonna get some after how he treated me, he’s dead wrong.” I will fully admit that I’ve rolled over to my side of the bed to pout and then be angry when he has the audacity to try and make advances. Believe me, this isn’t him dismissing your feelings or saying sex is more important than meeting your emotional needs. For men, sex is a stress reliever and an emotional release. It makes them feel better so a lot of the time, they think it’ll make you feel better. Sex for them is the equivalent to you wanting to talk about your feelings.

Emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy is a two way street. “But all he wants is sex.” I know it seems like that on the surface, but that is how he gets to the level of emotional intimacy you want to get from him. Now believe me, I would never encourage someone to force themselves to have sex if they really don’t want to, but how many times as women, do we withhold sex to be malicious? When you do that, it’s the same as if you asked him to listen to your problems and he said “I’m not in the mood.” How hurt would you be? Imagine if he did that day after day, week after week, and then complained that all you want to do it talk and you don’t care about his needs.

It’s a bit daunting when the shoe is on the other foot, especially when we live in a society that promotes this idea of women using our sexuality as a weapon. They want us to feel empowered and act as if we are owed respect and love simply because we have something men need. Yet, we feel upset and used if men use emotional manipulation to get sex from us. Neither of these actions is okay. There is a way for both parties to get their needs fulfilled and you have to have both to make things work. Women need to be aware of men’s need to have physical intimacy and men need to be aware of women’s need for emotional intimacy. They go hand and hand and they are both NEEDS. Sometimes the man has to give emotional support first to receive physical support and sometimes the women needs to fulfill the physical need before her emotional need can be filled. There has to be a give and take.

So moving forward, if you feel your relationship is lacking in either of these areas, ask yourself if the other end is being fulfilled. Women, if you feel like he’s distant, ask yourself if you’ve been withholding of his need for physical intimacy. Men, if you feel like she’s being withholding, ask yourself if you’ve taken the time to meet her need for emotional intimacy. I guarantee that if both partners work to fulfill their partners need, the relationship will grow deeper and more intimate for both people involved.