love

Be The One

Last week in church, we finished our final section of our study called “For The One.” This is a rebranding for our church, as before our slogan was “For the Basin” referencing the Permian Basin, for those readers that aren’t familiar with west Texas. This study had five areas we want to exemplify as Christians:

  • Follow the One
  • Reach the One
  • Serve the One
  • Gather as One
  • Be the One

Each week we studied one of these areas and learned the importance of each of these areas and how they are fundamental to not only the church, but to our individual walks with God. Sundays final lesson, “Be the One” focused on spiritual maturity and how we obtain spiritual maturity. Our pastor, Jeremiah, spoke about what spiritual maturity is and what it is not. It’s not really like Jeremiah to call anyone out, but he was a bit more fiery than usual.

He told us spiritual maturity isn’t about how long you’ve been a Christian, how much Bible knowledge you have, how elevated your morality is, or how deeply spiritual you are. This touched on so many issues we have in the church today. Things that deter new Christians from finding their sense of belonging within the church. Statements like “well I’ve been here for X amount of years so I know what’s best” or “I go to church so I’m clearly a better person than they are.” “I raise my hands and worship more openly so I clearly have a better connection with God” or “WELL ACTUALLY the Bible says blah blah blah.” I’m sure all of us at some point have heard something along these lines. We’ve all heard something that has made us feel inferior in our faith walk.

I think in today’s society we’ve become stuck in what’s called the bystander effect. This term was coined when a Kitty Genovese was being attacked and sexually assaulted outside her apartment complex. After her murder, police found that 38 people witnessed the violent attack, yet no one called the police or even went to help her. Majority of people said “I thought someone else would call/help her.” The attacker was detoured twice by lights coming on in the building but ultimately returned to Kitty for a third time to stab her to death. This is why during emergency situations, with any sort of training (CPR, EMT, etc) you are trained to point to one person and instruct them to call the police because in theory, most people will assume someone else will do it. If you elect one single person to call it eliminates varying stories about the events as well as the inaction of every person present.

How many times in our lives do we refuse to help someone we see suffering or struggling in life because we assume that someone else is going to do it? We’ve become a world of “not my problem.” I can tell you I’ve lost people in my life because all of us thought “not my problem, someone else will help them.” Even outside the realm of religion and spirituality, being “The One” for someone could save them. Being that one person who takes the time to show love and compassion to someone who is stuck or hurt could result in a single defining moment that changes everything for them. We need to ask ourselves every time we hesitate “If not me, then who?” Most of the time, there is not another “who.”

Our life is made up of small moments. Singular interactions where we only have minutes to change the path someone is going down. So step out of your comfort zone and reach out to someone the next time you feel that inkling that they’re needing someone to be their one.

Modern Day Christianity

One thing I’ve discovered through reconnecting with my faith is that there is a severe disdain for the Christian community. I can fully admit that I was one of these people at one point. I had a hard time wanting to claim the title of Christian because of what I assumed it stood for. Having a gay brother, and other friends within the LGBTQ+ community, made it really hard for me to want to be part of an organized faith that “hates gay people.” Or “hates everyone who’s not Christian.” I’ve had friends that were told they weren’t welcomed at church because of how they look or where they work. So I get it. No one likes to be told they are “sinning” or “going to hell” for being themselves and I don’t mean that in the way that being gay is an unforgivable sin or this unholy thing.

I fully believe in my heart that God loves all his creations and that none of us are better than the other. Honestly, by the Bible’s view, we’re all terrible people. We all do things that are immoral, even outside the what the Bible says. I know that we all, including me, have encountered people within religion that made them feel like they couldn’t have a relationship with God because of something they did or said. Women who have had abortions, divorced couples, LGBTQ+ individuals, smokers, drinkers, drug users, promiscuous people, tattooed and pierced people, people of different races and ethnicities, single parents, depressed people, etc. We all have had someone make us feel like we are not welcome in a church.

I’ll be the first to tell you, I’m not a good person. I’ve lied, cheated, hurt people I care about, judged people, been spiteful, been arrogant, been hateful, among so many other things. On a daily basis, I say and do things that aren’t seen as holy in God’s eyes. I think this is something Christians tend to lose sight of when ministering to others. They forget that they themselves are not worth of God’s love. No one is. This self-righteous reputation the Christian community has obtained has stopped us from reaching so many people. The approach of shaming people in hopes that they will want to seek out God, isnt working. The Christian community cries and complains that the world is such a sinful, terrible place today, but they miss the part where Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself. Love. Not tolerate your neighbor, not ignore your neighbor, not judge your neighbor, and not persecute your neighbor. Love God and love people.

Last night in our Married Life class we learned about being ambassadors for Christ. An ambassador is a person who acts as a representative to a foreign country. What kind of representatives are we if people think we hate them? If you have one chance with someone to teach them about your God, are you going to spend that time telling them how terrible they are and that they are going to Hell or are you going to spend your time telling them how much love and peace God has to offer them and how God will meet them where they are? I’m not sure when the church decided to take the fire and brimstone tactic, I’m gonna guess in the era of Billy Graham and televangelism, but somewhere in that message there stopped being a follow up of what’s good about having a relationship with God. It became about scarring people into being Christians. Now don’t get me wrong, Hell is very real and we should be scared of going there, but loyalty made out of fear isn’t loyalty, it’s extortion. God doesn’t want a relationship based on fear. God is a just God and he does hold us accountable for our disobedience, but sending Jesus to die for us was about love. The cross is a bridge for us to get to Jesus and its an elective journey. You cant push or pull people and you also can’t decide who does and doesnt get to cross the bridge. You cant sell tickets and you cant make promises on someone’s eternity. You tell them why they should cross bridge and what is waiting on the other side, but we are not responsible for forcing people to join our way of thinking. A relationship with God is a garden. You have to plant the seed and sometimes you’re the one that gets to water it. Sometimes someone else waters it and reaps the harvest, but you cant drown your seed and hope it will grow faster.

This isnt me, standing on a soapbox, crying “oh the Christians get persecuted more than anyone else today.” That will never be me because in ancient Rome they fed Christians to the lions for fun and Christians in other parts of the world are murdered or jailed for what they believe. They meet in underground rooms and in secret not out of shame, but out of fear from their government. There are missionaries in war zones that make a daily decision to serve God even though they could die for it. Yet in the United States, we think we’re persecuted? We think because someone doesnt agree with us or there’s movement to make things inclusive that we’re being attacked for our faith? Peter was literally crucified for preaching the word of God and we are so easily offended if someone doesn’t believe in God or mocks us or says something hurtful to us. What are we doing in response to that? Are we living the example of “love your neighbors and pray for those who persecute you?” Or are we reacting out of malice and hate? Jesus said “If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.” It’s that simple.

For anyone that’s felt the call to have a relationship with God, but has felt rejected by the church, please know that not all Christians are like that. Majority of us are not like that. I can’t answer for God or speak on his behalf about why certain things are in the Bible or anything like that, but I can tell you that since I’ve actively had a relationship with God and chosen to seek him first, my life has become substantially better. I’m not saying I don’t struggle because I do. I have my moments of anxiety, depression, anger, self hate, etc. However, I no longer sit in those feelings thinking I can fix them myself or fix them through alcohol or with another human being’s help. I’ve found a level of comfort and support that no human being has ever been able to give me. That’s not to slight anyone in my life because I’ve had amazing support from my spouse and friends and family members, but having a spiritual force higher than myself that knows my hurt and knows everything about me yet still chooses to have a relationship with me brings me more joy and comfort than I could ever imagine.

This piece is not meant in anyone to preach at people, but to extend the hand that we are supposed to be as Christians. Anthony will tell anyone that I’m the “love everyone” type person and that is true, but that’s because God has always given me a heart for the lost and the broken. My mom will tell you, she and I always attract the odd ones, the left one ones, the broken ones, and anyone else that is lost and I believe that’s because that is something seriously lacking in our world. I always say “be the change you want to see in the world” and I try to live up to that every day. There’s a lot of hate and division in our world and honestly it’s perpetuated by both sides or every side. Everyone thinks that everyone hates them and so they need to respond back with hate. We cannot atone for the sins of our ancestors nor can we make amends for things we have not done. All we can do is wake up every day and make the conscious decision to love people despite how they look, how they act, where they are from, who they voted for, what they have done, and who they love.

To My Babes with Love

In honor of our wedding day, I wanted to share the first poem I ever wrote for Anthony. I remember asking him to read something I wrote and at the end he said “wow, who’s that about?” I was very coy about it and eventually managed to get out “well it’s about you.” He was so flattered and taken aback because I don’t think anyone had done something like that before for him. He asked if I could print it out for him with a picture of us next to it so he could keep it in the semi truck. It stayed taped to his sun visor until he eventually came to live with me. I don’t think I’ve ever titled it because well, I’m not good with that part. But without further ado, my first poem to Anthony.

I’ll meet you there. Half way between reality and fantasy. That place where you made my body sing to yours. That gap of time where it seemed as if the only thing that matter was our bodies melted and our souls intertwined resulting in nebulous cluster of stars. The outline of our souls created a road map to an alter we have built to each other. A map I will blindly follow because the path is already carved out in my heart.

Sexual Intimacy is a Win-Win

Earlier this week, Anthony and I were discussing a blog post he wanted to create about porn addiction. I made a comment about he should include a women’s view, which would be from me. He said it wasn’t really that type of post. It was more of a “man up and stop watching porn” type post. So I said maybe I’d right a counter part to his post. If you haven’t checked out his blog, please do. Biblethumpingjesusfreak.com

I was contemplating how to approach this because porn and sex are very very VERY different for women than for men. Then, as I’m reading my Love and Respect book (highly recommended) I come to a chapter about sexual intimacy in marriage. I call that coincidence a God Wink. The second half of this book is split into a wife section and husband section and they discuss values your partner has and how to best support those values. For things men value they use the acronym C.H.A.I.R.S.

  • Conquest
  • Hierarchy
  • Authority
  • Insight
  • Relationship
  • Sexuality

Now I will be candid and say that sexuality is not an area Anthony and I typically struggle in and I think it’s because I had a pretty good understanding of the male value of sex prior to us being together. However, in my encounters with married men in the past, I can say this seems to be an area a lot women struggle in and, for lack of a better term, weaponize against their husbands. I would never dismiss someones actions of cheating on their spouse, but when men cheat, it’s because they are not having their needs met at home. Sometimes the wife is doing it consciously and sometimes it’s unconsciously. Not just the physical sexual needs, but the emotional need they receive from sex. As women, we don’t feel the anatomical need for sex as men do. Granted, it’s fun for us too, but men biologically need sex.

Truly, ask your man how they feel when they don’t have sex or even masturbate for a week, a month, etc. I bet he will tell you, it physically hurts him and messes with his emotional stability. That is exactly what this chapter talks about. Depriving your husband of sex because you’re unhappy with him and feel he doesn’t meet your emotional needs. How it causes him distress and makes him pull away from you as a partner. Think about it. When your man sees you come out of the shower, his brain automatically goes into turned on mode. He can’t help it. He shouldn’t be punished for finding you physically attractive, because in reality that should be what he does. In all the places he could seek sexual stimulation (porn, other women, masturbation), why would you want to punish him for seeking it with you?

Ladies we’ve all done it. “If he thinks he’s gonna get some after how he treated me, he’s dead wrong.” I will fully admit that I’ve rolled over to my side of the bed to pout and then be angry when he has the audacity to try and make advances. Believe me, this isn’t him dismissing your feelings or saying sex is more important than meeting your emotional needs. For men, sex is a stress reliever and an emotional release. It makes them feel better so a lot of the time, they think it’ll make you feel better. Sex for them is the equivalent to you wanting to talk about your feelings.

Emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy is a two way street. “But all he wants is sex.” I know it seems like that on the surface, but that is how he gets to the level of emotional intimacy you want to get from him. Now believe me, I would never encourage someone to force themselves to have sex if they really don’t want to, but how many times as women, do we withhold sex to be malicious? When you do that, it’s the same as if you asked him to listen to your problems and he said “I’m not in the mood.” How hurt would you be? Imagine if he did that day after day, week after week, and then complained that all you want to do it talk and you don’t care about his needs.

It’s a bit daunting when the shoe is on the other foot, especially when we live in a society that promotes this idea of women using our sexuality as a weapon. They want us to feel empowered and act as if we are owed respect and love simply because we have something men need. Yet, we feel upset and used if men use emotional manipulation to get sex from us. Neither of these actions is okay. There is a way for both parties to get their needs fulfilled and you have to have both to make things work. Women need to be aware of men’s need to have physical intimacy and men need to be aware of women’s need for emotional intimacy. They go hand and hand and they are both NEEDS. Sometimes the man has to give emotional support first to receive physical support and sometimes the women needs to fulfill the physical need before her emotional need can be filled. There has to be a give and take.

So moving forward, if you feel your relationship is lacking in either of these areas, ask yourself if the other end is being fulfilled. Women, if you feel like he’s distant, ask yourself if you’ve been withholding of his need for physical intimacy. Men, if you feel like she’s being withholding, ask yourself if you’ve taken the time to meet her need for emotional intimacy. I guarantee that if both partners work to fulfill their partners need, the relationship will grow deeper and more intimate for both people involved.