openup

Be The One

Last week in church, we finished our final section of our study called “For The One.” This is a rebranding for our church, as before our slogan was “For the Basin” referencing the Permian Basin, for those readers that aren’t familiar with west Texas. This study had five areas we want to exemplify as Christians:

  • Follow the One
  • Reach the One
  • Serve the One
  • Gather as One
  • Be the One

Each week we studied one of these areas and learned the importance of each of these areas and how they are fundamental to not only the church, but to our individual walks with God. Sundays final lesson, “Be the One” focused on spiritual maturity and how we obtain spiritual maturity. Our pastor, Jeremiah, spoke about what spiritual maturity is and what it is not. It’s not really like Jeremiah to call anyone out, but he was a bit more fiery than usual.

He told us spiritual maturity isn’t about how long you’ve been a Christian, how much Bible knowledge you have, how elevated your morality is, or how deeply spiritual you are. This touched on so many issues we have in the church today. Things that deter new Christians from finding their sense of belonging within the church. Statements like “well I’ve been here for X amount of years so I know what’s best” or “I go to church so I’m clearly a better person than they are.” “I raise my hands and worship more openly so I clearly have a better connection with God” or “WELL ACTUALLY the Bible says blah blah blah.” I’m sure all of us at some point have heard something along these lines. We’ve all heard something that has made us feel inferior in our faith walk.

I think in today’s society we’ve become stuck in what’s called the bystander effect. This term was coined when a Kitty Genovese was being attacked and sexually assaulted outside her apartment complex. After her murder, police found that 38 people witnessed the violent attack, yet no one called the police or even went to help her. Majority of people said “I thought someone else would call/help her.” The attacker was detoured twice by lights coming on in the building but ultimately returned to Kitty for a third time to stab her to death. This is why during emergency situations, with any sort of training (CPR, EMT, etc) you are trained to point to one person and instruct them to call the police because in theory, most people will assume someone else will do it. If you elect one single person to call it eliminates varying stories about the events as well as the inaction of every person present.

How many times in our lives do we refuse to help someone we see suffering or struggling in life because we assume that someone else is going to do it? We’ve become a world of “not my problem.” I can tell you I’ve lost people in my life because all of us thought “not my problem, someone else will help them.” Even outside the realm of religion and spirituality, being “The One” for someone could save them. Being that one person who takes the time to show love and compassion to someone who is stuck or hurt could result in a single defining moment that changes everything for them. We need to ask ourselves every time we hesitate “If not me, then who?” Most of the time, there is not another “who.”

Our life is made up of small moments. Singular interactions where we only have minutes to change the path someone is going down. So step out of your comfort zone and reach out to someone the next time you feel that inkling that they’re needing someone to be their one.

Sexual Intimacy is a Win-Win

Earlier this week, Anthony and I were discussing a blog post he wanted to create about porn addiction. I made a comment about he should include a women’s view, which would be from me. He said it wasn’t really that type of post. It was more of a “man up and stop watching porn” type post. So I said maybe I’d right a counter part to his post. If you haven’t checked out his blog, please do. Biblethumpingjesusfreak.com

I was contemplating how to approach this because porn and sex are very very VERY different for women than for men. Then, as I’m reading my Love and Respect book (highly recommended) I come to a chapter about sexual intimacy in marriage. I call that coincidence a God Wink. The second half of this book is split into a wife section and husband section and they discuss values your partner has and how to best support those values. For things men value they use the acronym C.H.A.I.R.S.

  • Conquest
  • Hierarchy
  • Authority
  • Insight
  • Relationship
  • Sexuality

Now I will be candid and say that sexuality is not an area Anthony and I typically struggle in and I think it’s because I had a pretty good understanding of the male value of sex prior to us being together. However, in my encounters with married men in the past, I can say this seems to be an area a lot women struggle in and, for lack of a better term, weaponize against their husbands. I would never dismiss someones actions of cheating on their spouse, but when men cheat, it’s because they are not having their needs met at home. Sometimes the wife is doing it consciously and sometimes it’s unconsciously. Not just the physical sexual needs, but the emotional need they receive from sex. As women, we don’t feel the anatomical need for sex as men do. Granted, it’s fun for us too, but men biologically need sex.

Truly, ask your man how they feel when they don’t have sex or even masturbate for a week, a month, etc. I bet he will tell you, it physically hurts him and messes with his emotional stability. That is exactly what this chapter talks about. Depriving your husband of sex because you’re unhappy with him and feel he doesn’t meet your emotional needs. How it causes him distress and makes him pull away from you as a partner. Think about it. When your man sees you come out of the shower, his brain automatically goes into turned on mode. He can’t help it. He shouldn’t be punished for finding you physically attractive, because in reality that should be what he does. In all the places he could seek sexual stimulation (porn, other women, masturbation), why would you want to punish him for seeking it with you?

Ladies we’ve all done it. “If he thinks he’s gonna get some after how he treated me, he’s dead wrong.” I will fully admit that I’ve rolled over to my side of the bed to pout and then be angry when he has the audacity to try and make advances. Believe me, this isn’t him dismissing your feelings or saying sex is more important than meeting your emotional needs. For men, sex is a stress reliever and an emotional release. It makes them feel better so a lot of the time, they think it’ll make you feel better. Sex for them is the equivalent to you wanting to talk about your feelings.

Emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy is a two way street. “But all he wants is sex.” I know it seems like that on the surface, but that is how he gets to the level of emotional intimacy you want to get from him. Now believe me, I would never encourage someone to force themselves to have sex if they really don’t want to, but how many times as women, do we withhold sex to be malicious? When you do that, it’s the same as if you asked him to listen to your problems and he said “I’m not in the mood.” How hurt would you be? Imagine if he did that day after day, week after week, and then complained that all you want to do it talk and you don’t care about his needs.

It’s a bit daunting when the shoe is on the other foot, especially when we live in a society that promotes this idea of women using our sexuality as a weapon. They want us to feel empowered and act as if we are owed respect and love simply because we have something men need. Yet, we feel upset and used if men use emotional manipulation to get sex from us. Neither of these actions is okay. There is a way for both parties to get their needs fulfilled and you have to have both to make things work. Women need to be aware of men’s need to have physical intimacy and men need to be aware of women’s need for emotional intimacy. They go hand and hand and they are both NEEDS. Sometimes the man has to give emotional support first to receive physical support and sometimes the women needs to fulfill the physical need before her emotional need can be filled. There has to be a give and take.

So moving forward, if you feel your relationship is lacking in either of these areas, ask yourself if the other end is being fulfilled. Women, if you feel like he’s distant, ask yourself if you’ve been withholding of his need for physical intimacy. Men, if you feel like she’s being withholding, ask yourself if you’ve taken the time to meet her need for emotional intimacy. I guarantee that if both partners work to fulfill their partners need, the relationship will grow deeper and more intimate for both people involved.

Let’s Talk about Sex Baby

Content warning: It’s about to get weird. Not really, but maybe.

Well hello and welcome probably one of the more sensitive topics so far. By sensitive I mean, we dont talk about it in our society. Sex. Say it with me, “Penis, penis, penis. Vagina, vagina, vagina. ” Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way and hopefully everyone has had a good laugh we can jump right into this steamy topic. I want to start off by saying, I am no expert in the art of sex, and I say art because it is an art, but I’d like to think I’m at least at the level right below expert. The level where I think I’m pretty good, but I definitely know I’m not the best. And I’m sure my mother is probably mortified at this point, but nevertheless, I progress. I’m going to assume that most people reading this have at least had sex in some sort of way. If you’re a virgin, all I can say is don’t waste your cherry on a boy who’s gonna be a two stroke pump and dump and give you zero pleasure. This is coming from a girl who lost her virginity at 19 to a guy in a camper in the woods and definitely did not get any pleasure out of it. In fact I got my period the next day and I was scared shitless because no one told me what to expect from having sex. I mean I was told there would be blood, but then there was a lot of blood. Thankfully I counted my days and realized I had just gotten my period.

Anyway, the real purpose of this post was to encourage everyone to find the sex that rocks your world. While sex is not the most important thing in your relationship(s), it’s at least top 5. And anyone who tells you different has not had the “rock your world” sex and if you don’t think it’s that important, you are who I’m talking about. Now, don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love every little non-sexual intimate moment I have with Anthony. I love it. It’s easy and comfortable and we’re able to express love in non-sexual ways, which is also VERY important for relationships because most of the time if you’re lacking in one area, the other area is going to suffer. The chemistry you have during sex isn’t going to be there if you feel neglected by your partner in every day life. At that point sex is just a chore. I like to think of this as a danger area in relationships because if you’re not feeling fulfilled with your partner, chances are you’re going to find other outlets to feel fulfilled. I dont mean to imply that they will physically cheat on you, but over the years, I’ve met people with several coping mechanisms.

Honestly, the most common one I encounter, and not to hate on the men, is long term married men who’s wives no longer have sex with them so they seek human intimacy outside the marriage. Not always physical intimacy either. A lot of the men I’ve met just want someone to talk to and appreciate them, maybe occasionally have a hug. I had a friend that he and his wife hadn’t had sex in over a year and the one time she got drunk and they had sex, she got pregnant with their 3rd child, then went back to not having sex with him. The lack of sex and intimacy can be due to work schedules, body image issues, mental illness, and/or most of the time it’s kids. A lot of the time if the wife is the primary caregiver who ends up staying home and pouring all her time into the kids, and the last thing on her mind at the end of the day is sex. Now me, a childless woman, doesn’t quite relate, because well I have my job and that’s about it, but having friends that are moms, I’ve found most of them actually do want to have sex, but there’s always some underlying reason they can’t. They don’t find themselves attractive so they think their partner doesn’t, they already have intimacy issues because that seems like that’s all the husband wants is sex, or they pour all the love they have into their kids and there’s none left for the husband. Again, I know sex isn’t everything, but for the love of god, men: treat your wives like a queen and not a babysitter, and women: stop punishing your husband for working to support your family and stop withholding sex to prove a point. Stop using no sex as a punishment, period. I know, the vajayjay is a powerful thing, but if withholding sex isn’t a punishment for both of you, damn girl you are doing it all wrong. At the end of the day, make time for it. I’m not saying it has to be this passionate, all day affair, but there does need to be time set aside for it. Make time for each other period because one day you’re children will grow up and leave you and at that point you won’t be able to repair your marriage. If you don’t see each other every day, make it a point to reach out and tell them you love them or something nice to make their day. Don’t restrict yourself to “how’s the kids, how’s the house, how’s work, how are you?” because there’s not thought in that. It’s mundane and impersonal. Or on an even better note, find out their love language and learn how to speak it.

Moving right along from that soap box, I’m a very big advocate for sex before marriage. Now before I get boos from the balcony of piety, let me explain why. As a teen, I was all for this idea of “waiting till marriage” and making it special and blah blah blah, but then I had sex (oops). Now if I had waited and used marriage as the path to get to sex, I probably would’ve ended marrying a guy who just wanted to have sex with me and because I was young and dumb, I would’ve believed he loved me. That’s not to say that those of you who choose to wait, aren’t really in love because I have very dear friends in my life that did wait and they’re very happy. I cant speak for their sexual life, but they seem happy. I kept thinking, “what if the sex is bad? Then I’m stuck with this person for the rest of my life.” I don’t know if you’ve had some bad sex in your life, but I’ve had some terrible sex in my life. I had an ex that would last 1-2 minutes and would be covered in sweat and at the end of the 2 minutes of his jack hammering my vagina, he would give up because he couldn’t cum. I put up with that for a whole damn year. A YEAR. A year of not getting any sort of climax out of sex. Only covered in his sweat and being so naive that I thought that was normal (side note: be realistic when, not if, WHEN you talk to your kids about sex).

Even as I got older, I just assumed that if I didn’t get an orgasm it was normal, but once I started opening up and researching and talking to people, I learned that I needed to be more vocal about what I wanted and needed. So if you’re in a relationship now and the sex is not satisfying, speak up. (Side note: women: using teeth is never a good idea and men don’t care if you jiggle and men: learn to be good at foreplay because women need to be warmed up first and vagina’s are sensitive so please be gentle) That goes for both men and women. Your partner can’t change what they’re doing if you don’t tell them. On the other hand, if you’re partner asks you to try something or opens up to you about their needs, don’t be dismissive. I can’t tell you how often I’ve said what I need and it happens once and then never again (*cough cough* men can give oral too). I’m not saying go so far beyond your comfort level that you don’t enjoy yourself, but be open to new things and actually explore with your partner. It’s better to be up front and honest about things and then it not work out then to stifle yourself and be resentful and bitter. I will always be someone you can ask questions to or open up to because it really makes a difference if you have someone who listens and maybe even helps you find what you need in life.