For anyone that hasnt heard yet, my boyfriend has started a blog. Not sure how that’s gonna turn out, but I think it will be great. Last night he was asking me why I don’t have more of my poetry on my blog and if I had written anything recently. Welllllllll…….. the answer is no I haven’t written anything recently and I’m very self conscious about my writing. I’ve found that my writing is how I process my emotions and recently I haven’t felt the need or want to process anything, which isn’t always the healthiest approach. My poetry tends to be spontaneous and extremely emotional based so I’m never quiet sure if it’s actually good. Sometimes it’s to process my depression or my anxiety. Sometimes it’s to convey passion or love. I’m also very particular with my words. I have this deeply spiritual connection with words. So like lyrics of a song hit me more than the music itself. Honestly, its one of the ways I feel closet to God. I feel like it’s one of the ways I hear him the clearest.

I think I worry Anthony a bit when we’re in church because during worship I feel this incredibly rush of emotions and the music speaks to me so I usually end up crying. I always feel like his protective instinct kicks in and he tries to check on me, but in reality that’s my happy place. Listening to words being weaved together to express how I feel in my soul and it being so powerful that the only appropriate response for me is tears. In that limbo where you feel God’s presence and warmth and it’s like everything in your outside life doesn’t matter anymore or whatever you are feeling is validated and God hears you. For example, we went to Christmas Eve service and I was 2 days into hearing I was miscarrying and I still hadnt passed any of the miscarriage so I was in this weird in between grief stage. I wasnt feeling good physically and I was being so short with everyone, but I put on my church clothes and went anyway. We were singing this song called “God With Us” by Jesus Culture and the lyrics of the song say:

Where there was death, You brought life, Lord
Where there was fear, You brought courage
When I was afraid, You were with me
And You lifted me up, and You lifted me up

So here I am trying to hold the weight of the world on my shoulders back and we hit this part of the song and I felt God tell me it was okay to let it go. That it was okay to be scared and hurt and angry because over all of that, he had me. I probably looked like a lunatic to my step daughter because I just started bawling and letting those words become my mantra. I wish I could say I was healed in that instance, but I think it was the first time I came to God with my hurt and my pain. For someone that loves words, I really have a hard time vocalizing how I feel and I don’t think it’s because I don’t have the words, but more because I’m very intentional with my words and if I verbalize how I feel then there’s no taking it back. It’s out there and I have to deal with it. So in hopes of helping to further heal from my miscarriage a bit, I figured I’d try and write something. It’s literally off the cusp so it’s not my best and it’s untitled, but here goes nothing.

The day I lost you I was asked “When are you gonna have kids?”

I smiled through the pain and said “Maybe some day.”

I spent my day mentally burying you while carrying on with my work.

Continually pretending I was put together, but I was really held together by a single thread that was begging to be tugged at by anyone who asked if I was okay.

Every ache and pain was a harsh reminder that my body had failed you and that I would not be meeting you in August.

I would spend my summer distracting myself to keep from pretending you’d still be on your way.

I never felt you move or saw your face, but in the short time span I had you, you were mine.

I saw the future of your life play out and prayed you would have your dads courage and my love for people.

With bright blue eyes and sandy blonde hair and smile that was electric.

I never found out what you were, but my heart tells me you would’ve been a boy.

A Leo with a heart of gold that was fearless and too competitive for his own good.

It took less than thirty seconds for you to disappear from my world and all the dreams turn to ash.

The ash was okay because I wanted to watch the world burn so it was welcomed company.

Thankfully, your dad made sure I didnt stay there long and with some help from my closest friends, I came to terms with the fact that God gets to know you first.

I know you’re up there with all the babies our family has lost to show you the ropes and all four of your great grandparents to spoil you.

I don’t know if you grow up in heaven, but if you do, I couldn’t think of a better place to do it.

Surrounded by love and the best lullabies you can think of, sung by the angels.